Has anyone else who lost a parent during their school years felt a distinct type of grief for the loss of someone to fill that role specifically, separate from the loss of the person themselves?

My father died when I was a kid. I was forced to sort through some old childhood items from before and during my fathers severe disability (he died as a result of this 5 years ago) and it was strange. I ended up sobbing, and when I saw something he had given me I sobbed harder. It was like experiencing the grief in a new way, a way I haven’t in a long time. I also saw a dad and his teen daughter messing around recently and something inside me ached so intensely I nearly cried. I still long so deeply for the family structure I had as a young child, the one I lost, and that relationship between father and teenage daughter I never got to experience.

 I often feel so intensely regarding the relationship and the role he left behind empty. It is very separate from the grief for him as a person. I grieve for the presence of a dad, like when I graduated I nearly didn’t walk because of that gaping hole in my heart. When I watch movies with dads and daughters sharing special moments or see happy fathers and their daughters, I feel agony inside. 

I just wish I had a dad. He never got to have meaningful conversations with me as a teenager. My main memories of us are silly banter and play, besides from the horrifying memories of his sickness and death, and I feel a gaping hole where his advice and guidance in life would have been. I miss him, I miss the life I could have had.