(I apologize in advance for my LONG post...if you like skimming- my post may not be the one for you.  But I do hope you stay and read on)!  :)

Hello all, I am new to the group and have been trying to find SOMETHING to just guide me, or help me to reflect on my thoughts...anything really- since the loss of my 15 year old daughter July 12th, 2018. My daughter, Cienna was amazing- she got on my nerves; but she was an amazing daughter and an amazing sister.  Her death was completely unexpected.  I recieved a call mid afternoon while at work from whom I thought was my mom.  My mother lives out of state and my daughter was visiting her for the summer.  Cienna was so excited to have gone by herself; without her sisters- because having time alone with anyone with siblings is impossible.  I knew that something wasn't right because my mom knew I was at work and never calls me in the middle of the day.  When I answered the phone, my response was "What is wrong."  All I heard was wailing and screaming and a man's voice came on saying that he was a paramedic with the county EMS.  They were called to my mothers house because my mother had found my daughter unresponsive in her room and she was not breathing on her own.  I immediately left work and called my husband who was out of state as well for work.  He immediately booked a flight to be with Cienna, but it would not arrive for hours.  But I just wanted someone with her.  They transported her to the hospital and not even an hour after recieving the call that she was found unresponsive; my father called me to tell me that Cienna could not be revived.   

I was lost.  I never imagined this.  6 months previous, my friend lost her 17 year old daughter unexpectedly.  Her daughter and my oldest daughter were close and it hit home.  I went to her home, missed work, cooked her family dinner, took up food, helped at the funeral...anything I could do, I did.  I remember my husband asking why I was doing all of this- and I said, "if this happened to me, I would want people to think of our family."  And here it was...happening to us.    It was a struggle, because we initially thought that it was a blood clot in her brain because my daughter had severe migraines for which she took daily preventative medication.  But her medical exam came back as healthy.  They had to send samples out to a larger medical examiner for further testing- so we were left in limbo as to what caused her death. 

There are days when I think that I am kidding myself- I am not sure if I have really broken down- or maybe I have; everything has been a blur and I have 3 other children to continue living for- so I can't possibly lose it.  I have never been one to be extremely emotional and I remember the day I recieved the call like it was yesterday.  I screamed so loudly for an hour, hyperventilating, shaking; my body was numb...but I think I was such in shock and I had yet to tell my 6 year old and 3 year old, that I began cleaning- shaking while I cleaned, but I was just trying to not think.  

July 27th, 2018 we celebrated my daughters life.  The church was full and I was amazed at the amount of people- family, friends, her friends...people that I had not seen in years come to support us and honor her life.  It was an amazing celebration- she would have loved it. 

People can tell me all the things that I already know- everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time...I have heard it all- I have said it all to other people; but you don't ever imagine that you would have to listen to those own things.  Days, I wonder if I am not honoring her enough- or sometimes, I am honoring her too much.  It is a constant battle of wanting to remember everything I can about her; without letting it take over my life thinking about it constantly.  

I miss her terribly.  I think about her daily- several times a day, sometimes.  And when I do things; I imagine that she would have enjoyed it.  I try to make things as normal as possible with my younger daughters so that they know that this is life and that talking about their sister and remembering these things makes her life real- so my daughters talk about her often.  Sometimes we laugh, sometimes we cry, but in the end; it makes us feel better.  

It was not until mid September that we finally got the coroner's report.  My daughter had an undetected heart condition; possibly genetic that caused her unexpected and sudden death.  They said that there was nothing that we could have done.  My daughter would have had to be within a minute from a doctor performing CPR for it to help her in anyway.  They told us that it could have happened anywhere at anytime.  This lifted such guild for my mother who was living in constant guilt and anger with herself that she didn't check earlier on my daughter or didn't do enough. 

In retrospect- I know this sounds incredibly odd- but I have some peace. I am not a religious person by any means, but I believe in a higher power and believe in the power of the Universe and fate.  My daughter was not supposed to go to my mom's.  She had gotten a bad grade in math a couple weeks prior to school ended.  She was told that if the grade did not come up, she wasn't going.  She brought the grade up and at the last minute, she was able to go. I CANNOT imagine having to have found her like this- or have her sisters have found her.  I do not think I would be able to go on.  I thanked my mom for being there for my daugther and doing what I know my husband and I could not have.  She took on this burden that she will have to live with for the rest of her life.

The day that my daughter left with my mother; she lingered.  Cienna was not the lovey dovey type and she was always on the go; but that day she was taking her time to say goodbye to her sisters.  She even went back into the house and got two dolls for her younger sisters- an Owl named Lily for her 6 year old sister, and Olaf for her 3 year old sister. She asked both of them to take care of them for her while she was gone and they all three got emotional.  I even had to tell her to hurry up and made a comment that we would see her in a a few weeks.  Cienna was such a different girl there with my mom.  We talked often, she didn't fight with her sisters- her relationships with everyone had improved.  She took the time to enjoy being out in the country, taking care of horses- helping with the land.  She was truly at peace there.  The night before she passed; my mom told me; that she went to say goodnight to Cienna.  Cienna was looking at the closet strangely- not scared; but just looking.  My mom said that Cienna asked her to close the closet door and when my mom asked why, Cienna said that there were two spirits there.  They had been there since she had gotten there.  She told my mom that they were not scary; they were just there.  I cannot help but believe that they were there for my sweet girl- to help her transition to her next stage of life.  This gives me incredible peave.  To know that Cienna's loved ones who went before her were there to prepare her and help her.  My daughter went quickly and the doctors describe that there was no pain.  My daughter no longer struggles with migraine pain and I imagine that she is with us always in some way.  

Ironically, butterflies were something that she gravitated to.  Shortly after losing my daughter, my family and I decided to move to be closer to family.  I struggled with this decision; but felt it necessary.  We realized so quickly the important of QUALITY of life rather than quantity- and I wanted to live life to honor my daughter- not to mourn her in depression.  So we moved.  Since then, in times when I am missing her; there is a single butterfly that literally flies in my path.  It is such a beautiful reminder of my daugther.  

I have not sought help previously because I am not sure how much it would change things- how much it would make me feel better or any worse...While I feel like I am doing okay- I also feel like I need to do something.  Talking with my family is sometimes hard, because it makes it too real; but, more that, there are things that I want to say- but I fear making them too sad, or making myself too emotional.  I go through the normal struggles of days when I am feel the myriad of "this was the plan" and "I feel at peace", and the others when I question "why my daughter"  "who chooses who goes and who stays..." Mostly questions that I know will never be answered; and that is a struggle in itself.  Because as much peace as I feel sometimes with this, there is still an undescribeable pain- a hole that can never be filled.

Writing has always been easy; so here I am. Seeing where this takes me in the unfortunate path of grief.