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Well, I'm thankful that the month of February is over and done with. It was a very tough month!
On the bright side--if there is even a bright side to things at the moment--I finally brought myself to reach out to my aunt. I sent her a Valentine's Day card. I realized after I had mailed that I didn't include my email address or phone number, so if she feels compelled to respond, I guess she'll have to by mail.
At least it was a start. I couldn't help but think yesterday what if my aunt thinks that I don't know? I included our 2014 family picture with Santa. Only time will tell, but I'm not trying to think about what COULD happen too much. I'll only drive myself more crazy, and hubby, too.
Now if I could only bring myself back to studying my course material. A new month, a new beginning! I guess it would if I could actually create some goals for myself. Who knows, maybe throughout the course of establishing some new goals and accomplishing then, I can finally begin to understand why things happen when they do.
Ever since this past Saturday, I couldn't help wonder why did I find out the way I did? What was the reasoning for it? If I hadn't logged onto FB that day, maybe I never would've known. The more I got to thinking about it, I realized that I hadn't seen my mother in nearly 16 years.
On the bright side--if there is even a bright side to things at the moment--I finally brought myself to reach out to my aunt. I sent her a Valentine's Day card. I realized after I had mailed that I didn't include my email address or phone number, so if she feels compelled to respond, I guess she'll have to by mail.
At least it was a start. I couldn't help but think yesterday what if my aunt thinks that I don't know? I included our 2014 family picture with Santa. Only time will tell, but I'm not trying to think about what COULD happen too much. I'll only drive myself more crazy, and hubby, too.
Now if I could only bring myself back to studying my course material. A new month, a new beginning! I guess it would if I could actually create some goals for myself. Who knows, maybe throughout the course of establishing some new goals and accomplishing then, I can finally begin to understand why things happen when they do.
Ever since this past Saturday, I couldn't help wonder why did I find out the way I did? What was the reasoning for it? If I hadn't logged onto FB that day, maybe I never would've known. The more I got to thinking about it, I realized that I hadn't seen my mother in nearly 16 years.
I believe that there is a special pain we feel when a person we are estranged from passes. Part of that pain is the realization that we can never resolve things and have some positive moments.
Continuing hugs
I've been told that I should be on antidepressants to help ease the symptoms, but I'm not comfortable with solving every little problem with medication.
As someone mentioned, baby steps! Creating some goals--nothing too big--is a start. Let's just hope that I don't procrastinate or get lazy as before.
First things first, helping hubby clean out our bedroom this weekend. Out with the old and unused, and in with organization of "keepers." Who knows, as we do our early "spring cleaning," maybe I'll find something my mom gave me or was hers. If not, I'll just have to accept that what I did have is gone.
About a year or so before she passed, I cleaned out some of my "mementos" and threw away several things way, some of which were items that she gave me. I ended up crying myself to sleep for what seems like weeks on end just because I couldn't find them. I couldn't remember if I had actually thrown them away or not, but I guess I did. And now I can't even remember what the items were.
I believe that it is very important to understand the cause of our depression before we start taking medication. Therapy is always a good way to start, but only if you find a therapist who is a good match for you. A therapist who worked wonders for me may be a miserable failure for you, yet a therapist who drove me more nuts than I was in the first place may be the perfect match for you!
There are many possible causes of depression. Mostly they boil down to just a few: situational (including life experiences), genetic, and brain chemistry.
Medication may be required if our depression is caused by brain chemistry.
If our depression comes from our situation in life, meds may help take the edge off, but we are going to have to come to terms with our past before we can truly move forward.
I am not sure what meds can do for genetic based depression.
From what you have written, the depression or anxiety or what ever you are dealing with are caused by your mom's passing and unresolved issues that you had with her. Confront those issues head on (or as near head on as you can), and I believe that you will start to find the peace you are looking for.
I know my anxiety and depression is because of my current life situation. I have been down and slightly depressed before (when I was fired) but it was nothing I felt I needed meds for. This was something I needed meds for. I wanted to kill myself because I couldn't sleep and get a moments peace from my thoughts. I'm on sleeping pills and Zoloft and I need a higher dose. If my depression was from a fixable situation then I would not want to go the medication route. Some people with clinical depression may need that and they may have some fixable problems in their life that they can change. That's when I think depression can be handled better.
Beeyore, it's understandable you feel that way about throwing out your moms stuff. Suddenly I feel like everything my sis owned needs to be in a museum or something. It's all sacred somehow because that is all that is left. They bring back all the memories of what we shared together, things she loved, things she used, etc.
Looking at it now has new meaning then when they were here. All we're left with are memories and reminders and it's not enough.
I was prescribed Oxy after my son was born. I had a C-section, and they sent me home with prescriptions for Oxy and Tylenol with codeine. I was given Percocet in the hospital and felt fine afterwards. It's very different at home when it's just you and baby during the day. After only a couple of weeks, I started taking the Oxy just to sleep. Ended up throwing the pills down the diaper pail and the bottle in the trash.
It's so funny--not funny, ha-ha--how life works out. This is the first devastating and tragic event I've endured without the use of alcohol.