You did all you could. But in saying that you will still think, 'I could of done more'....
My Dad died of cancer in May 2007, and I still think i could of done ore. logic tells me i did all i could, but logic has no place in grief.
Don't beat yourself up over it....just deal with each day as it comes...and be kind to yourself
((((((hugs)))

No matter what or how much you did you will always think it could have been more. Maybe you didn't recognize how fast it was because maybe you weren't meant to. This way, maybe you were there for her in more of a "normal" context than you would have been able to be

I am sure you did all that you could. My hudband was ill for six years with AML, in and out of remission, BMT (successful) and then passed away Nov 2, 2007 from a rare, virus few transplant patients get. I took care of him for 6 years and still feel as if I could have done more. I keep thinking "if only I had picked up on some clue..." Like dilli said, logically I know that I did all I could have done, but logica disappears when you are grieving. We have to learn how to let the guilt go, not an easy task as I still have not accomplished it. Take it one day at a time, that is all we can do.

John,
First you did all that you could for your daughter. Loving her was the most important thing that needed to be done and you did that beautiful.

Guilt is another part of the ugly grieving process as I am sure you know. Could I have done more? Or I could have done this.

As a caregiver we expect more out of ourselves sometimes than what is humanly possible. I see it all the time in the caregivers group here on DS.

As a father I know you thought you should be able to care for you daughter and protect her and you did that the best you could. Unfortunately God had other plans and taking her home was one of them.

Try to find comfort in knowing that she is no longer sick or in pain. She is happy and will be eternally. She is watching over you and your granddaughter all the time and will never be far away.

Take care and remember you are human although sometimes we wish we were gods and could do more.

((((hugs))))

I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a child is one thing a parent should never have to go through. This ugly thing called guilt is all part of the grief you are going through. I'll bet your daughter felt and would tell you that you did everything right and she doesn't feel like you could have done more. It is normal for all of us to say, I could have done more or I would have done this differently. You did what needed to be done at the time it needed to be done. I can't imagine the strength it took. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I am sorry for your loss and can understand your feelings of I could have done more. I think we all feel that way when we lose someone we love not matter how much they are hurting. I am glad she had you to care for her and it sounds as though you did all you could.

Sounds like you loved your daughter with every ounce of your being, and you showed her that. That is the greatest gift you could have given her, and you did that perfectly, along with everything else. You are an awesome Dad, and I'm sure that your daughter is so proud of the way you took care of her. God bless you!

well, you said it yourself. you 'didn't recognize how quickly she was fading'. you are human and perfectly imperfect. when we as people become very close to a situation we lose the ability to be objective....especially when one is in the role of caretaker. don't be so hard on yourself... you know what i mean?

Hi John...I too go over in my mind about what could have been done to keep Dad going. I sometimes have the need to contact every doctor that Dad came into contact with and go over everything with them. Dad deteriorated so very quickly, right before my eyes. I truly believe that God spared Dad of any more suffering and spared us of the pain of watching him suffer.

First of all, let me say how sorry I am that you have lost your daughter. That has to be the hardest thing ever - to lose one's child. When I lost my sister in January, I too thought that I should have done more, said more - but I know I did the best I could. When my brother died in April of a surprise massive heart attack, I regretted all the things I had NOT told him, I felt guilty for not having called him more often, not emailed more often, and thought of some of things that I did say that I should have not said. But if we believe they are in a better place, we know that they understand and I find my comfort in that. I hope you can find some comfort too in knowing your daughter is not suffering and that one day - a long away in our eyes - you will be with her again. May your Christmas be filled with the peace of knowing that your daughter is celebrating His birthday with Him.

I'm so sorry that you've suffered probably the ultimate loss - that of a child.

I've learned that even professional Aides go through a period of grief after the loss of their patients. One of Mom's Aides just couldn't accept assignments for weeks after her passing.

While my Mom didn't have cancer, there are so many words from the other replies that I identify with. I'm going through "the guilts", too. I was her caregiver for 5 years - even before she was confined to a hospital bed at home. Towards the end, even with the help of Aides and friends, I can't describe my exhaustion but I would have continued. And I know you would have, too.

But I can't get over the guilt of my decisions - despite doctors' advice. (I, too, still want to talk to them but I don't expect answers.) Was this the time or not? What about earlier years' medical decisions I made that now reflected her end? Did I do right or wrong? Why did I panic her last day when I wanted to be her support? And what haunts me also are the spiritual decisions and/or mistakes I made. I live it every day.

As a caregiver, it's not like putting decisions in the hands of medical professionals feeling unresponsible for results - even though they may not have all the answers either. We're left with the loss, the grief and the guilt - even though we don't deserve it. And being told that we did our best or all that we could - never seems to ease the pain no matter how much we did. Every caregiver knows that.

My prayers to you and all caregivers. To be in our shoes, is to understand.

Honey, I feel the same way about my Dad. But in all honesty, I did all I could and my father knew that. I have no doubt that your daughter appreciated everything that you did for her. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself credit for what you have done. Peace be with you always :)

How wonderful that you were able to take care of your daughter. You gave her the best gift a MOm can give. My husband was given 3 weeks to live and died in 2 days. I also didn't do or say what I wanted to but like you I just didn't know how fast the cancer was taken over. A huge problem for us is that we just never know when do we?. But take soalce in the fact that you were able to be there for her when she truly needed you and thats a blessing. love, Alice

I am so sorry for your loss and know exactly what you meant when you said that the end came rapidly. I watched my mother deal with health issues for five years, several of them very serious, but she always made a slow recovery. It is very taxing to care for someone who is very ill and watch them decline, but nothing prepares us for that sudden shock and I think it is human nature to look back and say--why didn't I know? I spent the better part of a year berating myself after my mother passed thinking that I could have done so much more and I replayed the hospital visits and talks with the doctors in my head thinking I missed something critical. After a year, however, I saw that my mother had begun to separate from this earth months before things became critical. While I may not have been at peace with the way things played out, I do believe now that my mother was and I think that our leaving this earth is a very private and sacred experience and not something we can share with those who are still very much tied down to the mundane things in life. I had my own family and responsibilities that I had to attend to and I did the best I could under the circumstances. I'm sure the same was true for you. You obviously love your daughter very much and was there a great deal. None of us can be perfect and do everything right when we are faced with such a difficult and new experience. Try and focus on the many things you did do for your daughter, all her life, and bless you on your journey towards healing.