Bereavement Support Group

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Death & Dying
/ Bereavement Support Group

how does a person give comfort?

vader
vader
I am writing this column because a great deal of people simply do not know how to give comfort.I still get asked about Brad and when I tell people how he died....they say?"Was he depressed?"Dont they know that sometimes this isnt the case.Another question that you are asked (especailly at the funeral home) How did he die? Now this is an ignorant question.What do you want to know the details for? Are you writing a book?If you dont know what to say...please do not show any signs of ignorance.Just do not say anything and a simple card will do.ANd on the day of the memorial or funeral....if you say that you will be there...Come.Make an effort to give support..do not talk about it.And if the person is crying and upset...they have got a right to be do so and if just do not have the right to tell them "get over it" Or things will get better in time?How do you know? Please do not say that the person is in a better place.This shows ignorance.....Once again...how do you know? If you are not experienced and have not experienced sudden death like me and it you do not know what to say....then do not say anything and give the grieving person a big hug.Thanks to all...vader..........................
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi Vader, I am so sorry for your loss. I know I don't know you but I can feel your pain in your post here. Please don't be angry with people or think they are all ignorant. I know some of the comments sound empty to you. You are right that people don't know what to say. It sure is hard to know what to say to someone who is suffering so badly. People have a natural tendency to want to "fix" someone's pain and suffering and they can't. Death and mourning can't be fixed with words. People show up at funerals to show some kind of respect and support to the person who died and to the loved ones left behind. Think back to when you went to a funeral. There was no perfect thing to say and sometimes people feel like a hug isn't enough and they "have" to say something.
Try to remember that most of those people that you speak of have also lost a loved one in their lifetime too and people didn't quite know what to say to them either.
I pray for comfort for you. And I'm glad you are out here because we are all wanting to be here for each other even if we don't have the perfect words to comfort.
I wish happiness for you and with time it will slowly come. Your loved one wants that for you.
koolman
koolman
They're simply trying to understand, Vader. Don't resent them for simply asking questions out of a desire to understand. Little do we mortals know...
deleted_user
deleted_user
One thing I know in my experience with loss...there are no words....

I say "There are no word" & give the person a hug...

My son always says "There is no substitute for presence" , so I do try to show up...

Thinking of you...