Bereavement Support Group
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How do you cope with sudden death? Does anyone out there have an answer? What do you say to the widow and children? How can you give comfort?But suppose it is someone that you grew up with? What do I say? Before he died,my late brother Frank called me in June of 2004 and told me that one of the kids that he used to coach died.He was in his 50s and here is what happens.He had been complaing about his health.He went to a doctor 2 weeks before.The doctor gave him all sorts of tests.They found nothing.When he came home from the doctor.he complained about being sick and he went to bed early.The next day my classmate went to wake him up and he was did not wake up.He was stone cold and apparently he died in bed and in the middle of the night.At this point..noone really knows.Because they are of the Jewish Faith.,no autospys will be performed.It is forbidden by the religion as it pierced ears and body piercing.The mother who was Catholic like me told her that she wanted to know what happened,so in this case it seems that everyone will relent.Frank never told me what happened at all.But from what I have heard and sent by e mail-i think that he died of a heart attack and sometimes heart problems cannot be detected.Noone knows for sure.She is devasted without him.They went all through grade school and she had known him all of his life.Now she is a widow and she does not know how to begin.How do you start a life without someone whom you known for 40 years? In three years,we will have my high school reunion and it will be our 45th and I hope to see her,I do not know what to say.I havent seen her or him since 1996.How does anyone cope with sudden death? And what do you really say? DO you have services? These are questions that everyone back in Syracuse,.New York is asking.One of them told her "Ask Vader.She Knows everything."
But this time,I Vader,am at a lost for words.Vader.
But this time,I Vader,am at a lost for words.Vader.
As to what to say to the widow - Just say "I'm sorry! It's a terrible, hard thing!" There is nothing else you can say. And it's the truth - It is a terrible, hard thing and you are sorry.
Mostly, give her a hug, that says more than words ever could in terms of I'm here for you and you have my support and love.
I'm Jewish too and I didn't want any autopsy. It didn't matter to me how he died - it wasn't going to bring him back. But everyone has to do what's right for them and it would be a shame to let differences of opinion over this cause tension just at a time when you most need to cling to each other.
I'm sorry for this loss. It's a terrible thing!
Sue
I can only share my experiences, so I hope that helps. I guess it's different for others.
I have had to live through both types of death, many times in my life.
You get through it day by day and some times minute by horrible minute. It never ever gets any better,that hurt never really goes away, but with the passing of time it gets easier to cope with the hurt and loss.
I still miss each and every one of my lost loved ones, and I always will.
Just do your best to be a source of comfort to your friend.Ask her what would help her most right now. Tell her you care and that you are her for her.
Sometimes just cooking a simple meal for someone can be a big help, because when people are grieving it can be difficult for them to think about the practicalities of living, such as eating or cleaning house or grocery shopping.
There is really no advice that you can give to a grieving person, just be a friend, listen, care and love them in whatever ways that you can.
Sudden death is hard, as there is no chance for the last good-byes or final words and thoughts. All though I'm not sure if it's any easier than a long drawn out sickness. My husband collapsed one night last year playing roller hockey, massive heart failure, we didn't even know he had heart disease. He was only 36 years old, and we have 3 children, then ages 6, 4 and 8 months old. It's a daily struggle for me knowing that their dad won't be here for their growing years and special occasions. It's hard being a mother of 3 children, especially since I do not have much family around, and I'm doing most of it alone.
I was in total shock and a bit of denial for almost the first 6 months, I never thought I would get through this. I agree with the response of "We're fine" just because it was too painful to explain and I really didn't think they would listen. However, meals, chores, errands, yardwork (huge one for me) is so extremely helpful. And you might get a "no, I'm fine, I don't need anything" from her. But still drop a meal by, or find somebody to cut her grass, it will be very helpful.
As far as services go, we had a Catholic service, James wasn't Catholic but did go to mass with me and the kids, we had all of the children baptized, and he was thinking about going through the adult RCIA. He never did, but I was still able to have the funeral at my church. Hopefully this can be resolved, and all the family will be satisfied. It can be a very stressful situation getting all of the plans in place, so hopefully there will be something that everyone will be at peace with.
Heart disease is taking too many lives. James family had history, he should have been checked, I won't go into details, but I think they missed this with him, and they could have found it and he could still be here with us today. More must be done, more mandatory testing, more effective tests, it's America's #1 killer, we need to do more, the doctors need to do more.
Blessings,
Heather
Also, I remember all the food brought to the house, all the friends who showed up (without being asked) to take care of his things. Mostly I remember people just "doing" things. Like mowing the lawn, taking the dog for a couple weeks, getting groceries, going to lunch, taking me to apts. Just being surrounded by loving people makes all the difference!