I am so sorry to hear about your loss and your "post traumatic" thoughts. I lost my dad on 10/15/15. Like you, I too have disturbing thoughts and images in my minds eye, playing over and over again. It is haunting! Everything you wrote reminded me of myself. I will say that it has been a few months since my dad past and it does get easier. I try to keep my mind focused on other things instead of the horrible images. It helps. I too want to see my dad and talk to him. :(

Hello Mivvy, thanks for sharing. I'm sorry for your loss - it must be so painful still. I thought I was the only one like this. And so I sit up in bed watching mindless Youtube movies until I can no longer stay awake. Mom and I are sharing a room now but she's old too and sleeps easily. I try to remember the good times with dad, but those memories escape me.

I went to Walmart this week and bought a photo album and will start putting in it some old pictures of dad and mom and us in happier times - hopefully this will help.

I am so very sorry that you have these memories of your dad. I like your idea about a photo album! Remember that your life with your father was like a mosaic made out of a lot of squares of color of various sizes and shapes. You only really appreciate the beauty of it when you view it from a bit of a distance.

Gentle hugs

my name is vader.I am 68 years old and old enough to be your grandmother.I am sorry to hear about your loss and since I found my boyfriends body on 5/22/2009 I am also haunted by the way that he died.What has helped me? I been going to grief therapy and have gotten to the practice of writing journals.This has helped me and I recently brought 3 photo albumbs.I put in the pictures of Brad and me In happier times and this has helped.I also call a friend when I am so down and this is important to have a support group.I hope this has been of help to you.I am sending you a hug.Vader.

Thank you for the encouragement and hugs - I need these so much as mom has not given me one single hug after dad passed. She was never very affectionate and doesn't know how to deal with my grief so she just walks away when I cry and this leaves me feeling so alone.

I've reached out to a counsellor from work but all the words sound like cliches from her, so I'm glad I found this group as you all have suffered the pain and turmoil. I found it very exhausting caring for dad, but I would trade anything to do this once again ...

I am so sorry for your loss. I have trouble sleeping because of my mothers images too, so I can at least try to understand what you're going through. Some nights are so terrible I am at a complete loss. I get told to think of her in a time she was 'happier' but thats the thing when you lose someone to sickness, it's hard to get past the images of the ICU and all related to that. The only thing that helps me when I get like this is writing. I can't think of another way. That's the only way I'm able to get them out of my head. Talking is another way too, but it's hard to find someone who would listen to us talk about our lost loved one at 3:00 am even if it's the closest friend ever. Only someone who has been through it can understand. All my prayers with you, I hope you find the strength to go on.

When I think of my children I see a mosaic of images of them; from when they were babies, children, and the young adults they are now. I can't help it.

Perhaps your friends do have a point; work hard to be able to see your parents as a blend of all the parental memories you have: the young parent taking you to school, the older parent struggling with you during your teenage years, the even older parent who was there for you during your young adult years.

I know it is hard. I still hear my dad calling me, thinking he had been dropped off in Mexico and needing a ride home. But I balance that with the image of my dad as SuperDad who could pick me up, toss me high in the sky, and then catch me and save me from crashing down!

I'm so sorry you have these post traumatic images as well. I know all to well about that. I found my sister passed away in her sleep. Even more unnerving is that she was not doing well at all when I left her and I decided to take her to the hospital in the morning and she didn't make it through the night, so on top of finding her passed away, I have the guilt of leaving her there to die. Seeing her face still haunts me, and the 911 operator wanted me to give her mouth to mouth and I couldn't even get her mouth open, it's like her mouth was stuck shut with something, saliva or something. It was horrifying.

So yes, I definitely know trying to shake those images and they play in HD when you are trying to sleep. Over time I noticed that I was able to dream about other stuff, but those images do come back to haunt me from time to time.

Believe me, pat yourself on the back for being able to gather pictures of your dad with a smile on your face and create a photo stream. I can barely look at pictures of my sister now because it makes me so very sad and depressed. You are doing much better than you think.

You have PTSD and you should talk to your therapist about it. We can't just stop our thoughts and that can drive you mad. Talking about it helps because you're getting it out and not just holding it in and thinking about it constantly. Looking at pictures of better times will start to make you put other images in your head of good memories. Our memories does not make this better or take away the pain, but it's good if you can see him like you did before. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my Mom on 10/16/15 and I feel like I have more thoughts and dreams about her last days more now than when she first passed. I hate remembering my Mom that way but I'm glad I was there to tell her it was ok to go if she was ready and that I love her. I'm not sure which is worse, remembering how she was as she died or the crazy dreams. She had lung cancer and compared to other family members that passed with cancer, she went rather peacefully and that I am thankful for. People say it gets better with time but I'm not sure if it really does. Hang in there. You have my prayers.

HUGS. Just wanted to check up on you to see how you're doing. I started having thoughts of saying goodbye to my dad after he passed and when they came to pick him up. It was and is so horrible.

I know nothing I say can make it better but hopefully there is some comfort in hearing others talk and ask how you are. I know this group has brought me comfort and I read the responses a couple times. HUGS.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Are there any VIDEOS of your father ALIVE AND WELL, when he was younger and healthier, that you could watch religiously, that could replace those tragic final moments of his life in your psyche with more pleasant, wonderful moments? I had to do this to recall my brother in a pleasant, wonderful way. It helped me disassociate my mind from his horrific final moments on this Earth. It's been 9 years since my brother passing, and now I'm able to recall BOTH earlier memories of my brother AND his final horrific moments, without experiencing those PTSD "aftershocks", in their proper "perspective". All those moments were part of his life, his experience here on Earth. It just takes time, to develop this "perspective".