I lost my dad last month & have so many regrets. However, I'm trying to focus on what I have to be grateful for, even regarding certain blessings that were involved regarding the way he passed away (he was at home, I wasn't there, but my mom was, he just kind of passed on, didn't suffer as much as others who have what he did, etc.) Having said all this, it's still brutal. I'm a teacher and while I have a love/hate relationship with work, at least it's a distraction during the day. Problem is, sometimes I feel like a snail without a shell...I'm so sensitive! At any rate, I don't know what your religious or spiritual beliefs are, but it's easy to second guess yourself or Monday-morning quarterback after the fact. What I did was write my dad a letter asking for forgiveness for all the things I did or didn't do as he would've wished, concerning his passing and afterwards. Beyond that, I turned it over to God. Love & peace to you.

I lost my Dad this summer and questioned every decision we made (even though I knew logically we followed his wishes). I have come to the conclusion that this is grief talking. "What if this would have been different, would he have lived longer?" "What if...etc." He had a good life until it wasn't good anymore. I have come to the conclusion that anything done for parents out of LOVE is not wrong and we should not feel guilty about it. If you had to work and missed the cemetery, it's okay. You remembered her in your heart where it counts the most. If intentions are set out of love, nothing is wrong. I am coming to peace with the fact we did all we could for my father. I hope you find the same peace.

If it could be proven that every "what if" you are questioning now was done right you would find something else to guilt over. Please don't!

Hang in, Val

I'd like to thank all who have replied to this thread and others of mine. I've experienced some computer problems (getting worse), so getting in here has been slow. But I just found this thread - and I'm so thankful for you all. God bless you!

I dealt with more guilt over my little sister than a person can carry. I usually don't allow myself to go there though sometimes it does happen again (like last night) it basically comes down to this. We do what we do at the time with the information we have available to us. Sure, if we could look at it before we live it - we may make other choices, but then we would just have different regrets. Life continues and you have no choice but to continue with it. It is normal and natural and has no reflection on the loved ones you have lost. That's just the way life is.

Sometimes for me it gets confusing because while I have no regrets in that I know my Mom and Dad both knew I loved them beyond words and that I only had the best and most unselfish intentions in any decisions I made ...I still at times think to myself (especially concerning my Mom because I took care of her) is there something, anything that I could have done different had I known more? And more importantly would it have truly made a difference? I don't so much know that I can call it guilt but for sure there are times when I am hurting and missing her so much that it is almost a way of punishing myself to allow my mind to go there to those "What if" questions. That probably didnt make any sense did it? Sorry.

Hugs
xxx

The main thing I feel guilty for is attempting to detach mentally from what my eyes were seeing, my brother laying there in the hospital bed shrinking down to nothing in horrible, agonizing pain...the mind didn't want to accept what the eyes were seeing...and feeling guilty for thinking "I'm glad that's him and not me" (good ole' survival, self-preservation instinct kicking in). YES...I feel guilty...like a schmuck, for thinking that.

I also feel guilt. Supposedly it is common when you are grieving.

My guilt isn't general ... but it is probably unfounded. There is something I could have told the doctor before her angioplasty that I assumed he already knew, that he should have known, had he read her records well enough. Right before the surgery, I was asked if she ever had surgery and completely forgot to mention the surgery she had a year earlier (by a doc in the same group as the surgeon about to do her angioplasty) ... so shouldn't he have known??). I didn't say it and the doc tried to use a blocked artery for the angioplasty that I already knew about. Nobody said to me later "why didn't you tell me?" but I did "give it" to the doc when he came out of her surgery. I even had a picture the first doctor drew for me, of what was blocked and what was not. I couldn't believe he didn't know. She ended up with internal bleeding ..... and eventually she died of acute kidney failure. I don't know if it's because of that artery. Doc says no.
Also I do not understand why when she had the heart cath the year before, she had to have another one before the angioplasty (2 days before). First doc said that the second doc will do at the same time. Second doc didn't do that.
Sounds like second doc had no idea about the heart cath the year before.

I am also angry -- hospital/doctor issues. This overwhelms me.

I didn't start feeling guilt until a week or two after her death, when I started "thinking" .......

I don't know if this helped. How do I handle? I don't. I just sob when it overcomes me.

Missing her is one thing, but the entire hospital ordeal, for me, is almost a separate part ... I wonder if she would still be here.

I know I'm supposed to be supportive, and I'm trying to be, I'm letting you know that yes, I feel guilt too.

And I've been told it's normal to feel some guilt when you're grieving, and that everyone is different.

Everyone tells me that I can rest because I did the best I could, risking my job with 2 LOA's and caretaking, etc.

Why can't I leave it at that, is beyond me.

Are we punishing ourselves?