Bereavement Support Group
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Hi,
this is a bit lengthy I know but I want to give the full picture.
My best friend, my Mum passed away only two months ago.
It is all so very fresh, and unexpected.. I cry every day and am struggling with the emotional overflow and heartache.
I turn 30 soon and with Christmas and my birthday arising these events only echo the loneliness that is the deep wound of grief and longing for mums company once again.
I am writing for advise on a broader topic.. I have been a counsellor for four years and this year begun to lose my voice (feeling choked) and struggle through everything including work as mum was unwell and the work was draining me. When mum passed away I dropped from full to part time which was the smart thing to do.. however even with this lighter load I've developed such panic/anxiety within myself as a consequence of prolonged stress I suppose and it comes out in many of my interactions because naturally it's out of control. While i'm trying to self-care and manage it, with support, I know it spills into my work.
While no one is perfect and counsellor's are not meant to be superhuman I find myself lost, and possibly burnt out because I spent too much time in work rather than with mum in the past - and regrettably I can't get that time back. I also gave too much of myself to work that my identity has been caught up in it.. and my sense of belonging having been so intimate with my mum it's really impacted me and i've taken a king hit. I cry even as I write this to you my reader.
The advise I seek is should I relinquish my job altogether?.... I do not see any other option to put it on hold because the business does not work like this. I am replacable.
I don't want to feel driven into that choice because of anxiety (this is where i'm fuzzy) but because of the intensity of my emotions I do not feel I can cope with the work, even basic meetings that are required most days I freak out about and because incredibly anxious that I either avoid or am very visibly uncomfortable with all the panic symptoms.
I have recently considered becoming a stay at home mum and studying for interest or career change instead.. like in creative writing.
My values now shifting from such a heavy work focus to family as the truest most important value and doing things that I enjoy, making new connections, to derive greater pleasure from life.
My husband works full time so I am fortunate that finances are not the main thing to base my decision on, but of course will tighten everything up and put some financial strain but not a deal breaker amount.
So many fears emerge with a loss as deep as this.. theres been two deaths following and a relocation of my best friend to another country before my mums death... but none as significant as having to say goodbye to my mother.
Please help me.. I feel overwhelmed.. and I seem to have lost my 'gut' sense in this. I don't know what is grief or anxiety or honesty doing the talking... I know mum just wants me to be happy and that I do not desire to live my life lazily or in fear.
So here i am pouring my heart out to you.. please be gentle with it.
xox.
this is a bit lengthy I know but I want to give the full picture.
My best friend, my Mum passed away only two months ago.
It is all so very fresh, and unexpected.. I cry every day and am struggling with the emotional overflow and heartache.
I turn 30 soon and with Christmas and my birthday arising these events only echo the loneliness that is the deep wound of grief and longing for mums company once again.
I am writing for advise on a broader topic.. I have been a counsellor for four years and this year begun to lose my voice (feeling choked) and struggle through everything including work as mum was unwell and the work was draining me. When mum passed away I dropped from full to part time which was the smart thing to do.. however even with this lighter load I've developed such panic/anxiety within myself as a consequence of prolonged stress I suppose and it comes out in many of my interactions because naturally it's out of control. While i'm trying to self-care and manage it, with support, I know it spills into my work.
While no one is perfect and counsellor's are not meant to be superhuman I find myself lost, and possibly burnt out because I spent too much time in work rather than with mum in the past - and regrettably I can't get that time back. I also gave too much of myself to work that my identity has been caught up in it.. and my sense of belonging having been so intimate with my mum it's really impacted me and i've taken a king hit. I cry even as I write this to you my reader.
The advise I seek is should I relinquish my job altogether?.... I do not see any other option to put it on hold because the business does not work like this. I am replacable.
I don't want to feel driven into that choice because of anxiety (this is where i'm fuzzy) but because of the intensity of my emotions I do not feel I can cope with the work, even basic meetings that are required most days I freak out about and because incredibly anxious that I either avoid or am very visibly uncomfortable with all the panic symptoms.
I have recently considered becoming a stay at home mum and studying for interest or career change instead.. like in creative writing.
My values now shifting from such a heavy work focus to family as the truest most important value and doing things that I enjoy, making new connections, to derive greater pleasure from life.
My husband works full time so I am fortunate that finances are not the main thing to base my decision on, but of course will tighten everything up and put some financial strain but not a deal breaker amount.
So many fears emerge with a loss as deep as this.. theres been two deaths following and a relocation of my best friend to another country before my mums death... but none as significant as having to say goodbye to my mother.
Please help me.. I feel overwhelmed.. and I seem to have lost my 'gut' sense in this. I don't know what is grief or anxiety or honesty doing the talking... I know mum just wants me to be happy and that I do not desire to live my life lazily or in fear.
So here i am pouring my heart out to you.. please be gentle with it.
xox.
I suppose I'm talking relinquish the job because it's an emotions based job. It's something that uses emotional energy and focus, and I simply can not do the job properly anymore..
I'm probably a little bored with it and it feels unenjoyable now. I am having such difficulty shifting this attitude or feelings/thoughts about it.
There's more to my story.. The stress of my mum getting sick and dying has meant that my voice gets super strained and croaky and tight (physical symptoms of anxiety and grief) when I try to do my job as well as panic attacks in front of colleagues or clients, as well as all those grief symptoms.
You are right in saying that it's important to take a moment.. this is hard to do but I'm trying.
I am getting counselling once a month personally and go by the saying even counsellors need counsellor's.. it's a good idea to do something nice for myself...
Still I've been contemplating quitting and returning to a part time basic job that is not so emotions and problem solving based..?!?! such a big decision for me because my current job is close to home and i enjoy the part with kids and the hours are okay but I dread all those uncontrollable physical symptoms that are Not going away despite my efforts.
I am so indecisive about this, but am leaning towards resigning now mainly because of my physical symptoms and anxiety that is setting in :(
It does sound like it is time for a change in careers... It doesn't mean that it is a final change, it just works for now. I am sure you are completely exhausted, drained and in need of time for you... You need to be able to grieve, you need to be able to receive right now not give. I will pray that you make the right decision! God Bless you for all you do to help others, but now let others help you...
Mary
Stop blaming yourself for working instead of being with Mom. Oh that's easy to say, isn't it, but haven't you said it at least a hundred times to your patients? 'This was not your fault; self blame is normal in grief." Now, something beautiful has come of something very ugly, actually two beautiful things:
First, your awareness that family is everything. With a loving and supportive husband, you can re-parent yourself by being a full time mother for as long as it takes for you to set aside your own problems and go back to patients. Your children are children for a short time, they need you, this is good.
Second, this hiatus in your career will give you SO MUCH to offer future patients. The process of coming to terms with your grief and loss will help you in a way that few acquire and you may very well save lives because of it.
Pray. Seek your own counselor. There's no lack of work in the field of therapy. In a couple of years (or even more) you may have become a therapist such as the one I have, who has literally saved my life.
I think that you help me see that I am blaming myself and suffering needlessly in my job.. but also that there is richness even amongst all this pain. The learning of family as priority and the importance of greeting others into my life to help me through this as well as the ones mentioned.
I really appreciate your prayer and Romans 8.28 comes to mind.. we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
I don't want to lose that purpose..
I found your inquiry to be rather well written. Maybe a career in creative writing is right up your alley! I'm reading a book called, "Unstuck" by James Gordon. Perhaps you've heard of it? I like the authors style of addressing deep emotional turmoil as an affliction of the soul, a cry for change.
If you're lucky enough to not have any financial issues with a career change, I say go for it! Now could be a perfect opportunity. You could always go back to counseling somewhere down the road, right?
The only caution I offer to quitting your job is this... be careful not to curl up with your pain. When you don't know how to move forward, staying put becomes quite seductive. Make grief your journey and not your final destination.
Grief is certainly not my final destination, but I can understand and relate to the taunt and the temptation of staying put. Wise advice.
In a way staying put could be staying in the job as well as quitting and not moving forward with something more satisfying.
I'm also aware there are different seasons in life, and I am trying to read this one, albeit with difficulty.
I find myself in two worlds about this decision because I'm not sure where grief ends, and the need for change begins.
This decision unsettles me and I'm the most unsettled I've ever been within myself due to the loss of my mum and what I expected the future to be. A big fat question mark hovers above my headhow do I navigate this grief for my life destiny and purpose? How am I best to spend my precious time?
Risk is involved in breaking away from a 'convenient, well paid and well regarded job'... for the unknown and so many questions and much self-doubt arises.
I just don't think I'm effective in the work right now.
My throat gets tight even thinking about it but I wonder if that's the case because it feels like everything is too much right now and I just don't feel vital or vibrant, but instead almost constantly drained and very often socially anxious.
My level of vicarious trauma and compassion fatigue is completely normal but I feel burnt out. Grief is such a wound that needs time, and more to heal. A loss like this cant be compared to the other losses in ones life.
To break it down... I wonder what others would do in my shoes, I really do. Which is the most suitable path to walk down and choose for this time.
I'm so used to imagining what it would be like to be in others shoes so I question why is it so difficult to be objective in my own!?
Emotions can be so blinding and I'm lost in the sadness of it all, trying to grab hold of the blessings of having had an amazing mum and best friend, and any positive experiences or people that I have in my life.
Thank you for your patience and listening to my thoughts spring to life.
I do type quickly so tend to become quite wordy very easily.
Take care and be happy,
Spirit.
xox.
All things said and done I choose not to live in guilt nor regret.. but it does not make the anxiety disappear - it just reminds me to release myself from any additional self inflicted pain as much as is possible, and to continue to let go and let God because time is precious and all we have is one moment to the next.