Bereavement Support Group
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On may 17th, my FIance went to the ER with what we thought was a severe migraine and two days later he passed away from a brain hemorrhage. I had to return to our apartment with my wedding Dress in the closet and our wedding invitations on the kitchen table. I have spent the last month trying to figure out how to go on. I spent the first few weeks cleaning out his things but now that all the necessary stuff is done and all my friends have started to return to their normal lives (which they should) The loss of him is feeling me with such sadness I really do not know how I am going to go on. Wondering if anyone out there has lost a spouse and how did you get through it? I can't imagine my life without him and to be honest sometimes I do not want to go on. He was my soul mate and just could use any advice on how to deal with this.
First off, I am so, so sorry for your loss. Losing your other half must be devastating. I cannot imagine what it must be like for you. I lost my father and that is bad enough, but losing your soul mate? How horrible.
Unfortunatly, life does go on. For you and for everyone else. That is what makes life so hard and so painful. You will continue to feel this way for a very long time and you will never stop missing him.
He was and still is your soul mate. Your best friend, your everything and I can understand how you must be feeling, as I see it in my mother. They were married for almost 50 years. Been together since they were kids. They practically grew up together.
How to get through it? There isn't really an answer for that. It all depends on the person. There is no right or wrong way. It will be hard, nor can I say it will get better but you just trodge on.
What I said to my mother when she felt like commiting suicide, "We will all die one day. Maybe one of us sooner than the other. Death is finale, so we must live for the living because we will be dead before we even know it and so will our children and our children's children. Why shorten the process?"
I also said to her, which may offend some others was "We're not grieving for dad. We're grieving for OURSELVES." And my mother later told me, my statement helped her a little. Because at the end of the day, we're the ones left to suffer and having to deal with day to day life.
Grief is a struggle and it is horrible, but recently it is starting to get a little better for me and I hope, it does for you too.
I will not mention for you to go out and meet someone else, like someone did for my mother, but I will suggest that you go to group meetings. People just like you. Make some friends, talk, cry together and grow strong together.
But you must grieve first, let some of that pain out and start living once again. And if it helps you any, read my latest post about dreaming of our deceased loved ones. You will be suprised at the stories on there.
Do you have a belief? If not, maybe you should consider one and if you don't want to, then read the story that hit news about that experiment they did in Germany of how they believe in life after death and our souls actually have a weight. They did it on 3,000 paitents. Some died and some were brought back, everyone one of them said the exact same thing of what they experienced when their heart stopped.
It may bring some comfort to you as it did with me.
I hope this has helped you in some way and again, I am so sorry for your loss. If you ever need to talk at ANY time, send me an email and I will get back to you ASAP.
xxxxx
I lost my fiance in 2002. I may have had a nervous breakdown - never looked the term up, but I thought I was losing it. He and I had not been together too long (just 9 months, and he lived in Southern CA and me in Northern, but we'd take turns visiting on weekends, and had plans to marry, maybe even have a child - though he'd already had a family). He was 43 and seemed in good health. He had either a heart attack or stroke, we never found out. Paramedics took too long to get to him. He'd not been breathing for 20 minutes. He was in a coma for a week, until his oldest son and I took him off life support and he passed away. He was brain dead.
I could not cope. I tried, but every day was a nightmare. I did start taking anti-depressant and anti-anxiety. It was the anti-anxiety that helped the most for me. I was having panic attacks - I actually think my days were just one long panic attack. Before the anti-anxiety med, I thought I'd have to institutionalize myself, and I remember being worried because at that time I was taking care of my mom's birds while she was recovering from hip surgery!
Like Ardara suggested, a grief group for me was key. That and the anti-anxiety med helped me survive. It was a grief group specifically for those who'd lost a partner/spouse. We did cry together, laugh together, and somehow we all made it through. I found this group through a local hospice. I also did one on one grief counseling, but my biggest help was the group. I also participated in an online forum similar to this one. It helped me a lot to know there were others who knew exactly what I'd lost, how it was an unbearable pain, etc.
I am so very sorry for your loss, Jennifer. Time will soften the edges - you probably hate hearing that! I know I did when people told me that. But it is true. You will ALWAYS miss your fiance - he was the love of your life! That won't ever change.
I lost my mom a week ago, and a friend wrote me something that gave me comfort. She said something like, "Your mom will give you signs she's around. Pay attention."
When my fiance died, after his son and I had returned to my fiance's apartment after the ceremony, we were just sitting there, and I felt this incredible peace fall over me, and I felt it was my fiance. I asked his son if he was feeling that, and his son - who was no mystic, rather a very down to earth young adult - admitted he was feeling the exact same thing! That too was comforting. And when I was driving a U-Haul truck back home after we'd loaded up some of my fiance's things, it was windy on the freeway, but I felt a steadying presence guiding the truck. I've thought about that over the years, that and the peacefulness I felt in those moments following the ceremony. It was not my imagination. I like to think our fiances are with us still, with their gentle love.
Please accept this hug from someone who's lost her fiance too. I hope you will begin to find a new life, begin to rebuild when you're ready .... I don't think for a minute it's going to be easy. You've lost everything, and I'm so very very sorry, Jennifer.
Big warm hug to you,
Kathy
I hope tomorrow might be a bit easier on you. Regardless, know that you are being supported by us all here and we all know something of what you're experiencing :( I'm so sorry you lost your Danny. But that is wonderful, you can hear him saying "I adore you." Let that carry you through each and every day. Mine would say "I found my queen" and that has carried me through a long long time. We were lucky to have our men in our lives! I'm so sorry your journey was such a short one, and yes, you lost your future with your fiance. {{{{{{{{Jennifer}}}}}}} Be gentle with yourself
When I lost John, I came here because I felt like I couldn't cope. Like Veronica, I joined the Widow & Widowers group and got fantastic support from some amazing people - some who I still count as friends.
I learned that I needed to be kind to myself. There are going to be some very trying times. Do not hesitate to lean on people here for support. The pain will not go away, but it will change and you will find you can breathe again. Don't be afraid to talk, cry, laugh or celebrate your fiance.
Hugs, again, to you.
I can't imagine what you are going through....my Dad lost my Mom last June...he says he feels like a zombie most days... they were together since high school...I did ask if he thought someday he might get married again...He said he didn't think there was another one of her out there... Yes that subject came up faster than he thought it would but understood that we are concerned for him...He tries to take it one minute at a time...people say Day by Day but he says he can't do that.
Family and friends try and help but some days it he is still so sad.
I wish that his nightmare was over...but nope that isn't happening....he just lost a dear grandson yesterday...and that is more night mares for him.
I am sending prayers for you as you journey through some tough times.
ttfn
The first thing I did when my wife, Carol, died unexpectedly in March was to seek out a grief counselor. And I've read books. And I took a road trip (this month) from Ohio to Texas. I attended one group session that seemed promising.
I'm not a religious person, so when I went to wake up Carol the morning after she came home from the hospital for a rather routine surgery, and found her eyes open and body stiff, my soul let out a silent scream of horror that hasn't stopped since.
When I was in Austin visiting my sister a couple weeks ago, she took me to a wonderful bookstore called BookPeople where I found just the right book for me about the afterlife. I couldn't just SUDDENLY believe Carol was in heaven. I needed a more modern explanation. But I just could not accept that at one moment Carol was here in this world and in the next moment there was nothing but a body to be buried.
Anyway I won't presume that you'd be interested, but if you are let me know & I'll send you the title and author. I love this book!
Something else I did was to create a memorial website for Carol. I'm nearly 67 years old, so Carol REALLY IS my soul mate :) I pour my heart out there and hope she hears. The site is forevermissed if you're interested, then search Carol Pilkington.
I hope this doesn't sound too self-involved. You asked how others are coping, and I'm responding to that.
Everyone's journey is different. I wish you the best :)
My mom died unexpectedly a year ago. The first anniversary of her passing is coming up on the 19th. I CANNOT believe it has been a whole year - it honestly feels like it was just a month ago that I got the surprise phone call.
My mom was quite young and healthy up until the acute leukemia that quickly took her away from us. My father just experienced, last week, what would have been their 40th wedding anniversary. I feel sorriest for him and my brother the most. The three of them lived in the same town, whereas I live across the country and can almost pretend that she's still alive since I didn't see her daily anyway.
Anyway, my father made an actual memorial inside their bedroom. He made a big poster of my mom by enlarging a photo of her and putting it on a wall, and then he put a dresser drawer set underneath the poster, which contains many different things of hers, as well as her ashes. On top of the dresser are the most special photos of us as a family, a memorial book I bought my father, her favorite jewelry, etc. The memorial is a way for my father to feel like, in a way, she is still there with him. It's a good transition, rather than just getting rid of all of her things and having her absence stick out.
My father also wrote a group email to our entire family with his thoughts about where she is now and what her beliefs were regarding an afterlife and God. He also exchanged emails frequently with me and spent a lot of time hanging out with my brother.
Jennifer, perhaps if you make a small memorial of Danny, his presence will feel more poignant. Also, spend as much time as possible with others who loved him, and make sure to talk about the good times you all shared together. In my case, my pain has softened as time has passed, and it sounds like the others are saying that the same is true of losing your significant other. I know in my case, with each day that passes, I remember more of the good times and feel less of the hurt. One more thing, taking a Xanax pill when I was at my most unbearable moments helped so much, and I don't know what I would have done without that help. It would relax me and put me into a peaceful sleep.