MsBlank: I am so glad you replied. I was really conflicted and you make perfect sense. i know he is playing on my emotional side and you're right. he needs to get his own counseling. I want so much to believe that this is not who he truly is and that losing his mom so suddenly is bringing out the worst side of him. I believe all the issues he's collected over the years and left unresolved is boiling over right about now. I really hope he does get help. I want him to feel better and have joy in his life again.

Pepper: I like your suggestion of having him start on his own first. and then me joining eventually. I really want us to work but not at the expense of my own happiness and well-being. I really don't want to give up on him or feel like I'm leaving him to fend for himself. 3 of our 4 years together have been good ones.

Hollowheart: I thought about what you said about his possible abandonment issues and I hope my walking out doesn't cause anxiety in that regard. I feel like a pandora's box has been kicked open.

my name is vader.I am 68 years old and old enough to be your grandmother.I feel for you and I sense your pain.I lost my mother in 2003 and then following year I lost my dear brother.I and man I was so bitter and man I was so angy.ANger is part of the grieving process and it will take a good counseling to get through this.I had to go and it helped me.He does not have the right to take things out on you and he needs something to help him deal with this pain for it is a very difficult thing to get over it and everyone needs help.Vader.

Angie, I hope I didn't worry you about leaving him causing more grief. But it sounds like he had a 'uh oh" moment when you left and he figured he better shape up. As Blank and Pepperman already said, I do think it's a ploy to keep you, so as long as you make it clear that he has to go to counseling and just him saying he wants to go to counseling doesn't mean you're running back into his arms, things might turn around.

Maybe it's just me and I may be to gullible, but I don't want to believe that he had all these issues hiding and was always this way and his moms death brought them out. Tragic events do change you. I know that I have changed and I do find myself feeling much more anger than I used to, but I have never been an angry person. I know I feel anger at having to deal with my situation at all and there being nothing I can do about it. I admit to resenting others who are still happy and have their loved ones.

And I do agree that he needs his own counselor. Couples counseling is not what he needs right now, this is not just a couples thing. Forced counseling doesn't always work, but since he DID bring it up he should be less resistant so it might do him some good.

Hallowheart ~ No one wants to think someone we fall for is covering up their true person.
When I met my now ex....it was about a little over a year after the loss of my brother. I had not even begun to deal with my brother's death and I thought my ex was my knight in shining armor (Ha).
He was WONDERFUL to me at first......but the mask fell off AFTER 3 years (there were a few red flags, but I ignored them). He didn't take the first swing at me until we had been married 3 years. However, he had a few temper tantrums a few times a year....but I blew them off thinking it was my fault (the good ol "gas lighting" tactic).
Whenever my ex thought he was losing me.....he'd go out and buy something pretty or do something nice to lure me into staying (abusers are lazy.....they don't wanna have to train a newbie).
My ex has a TON of unresolved issues that he (and his family) refuse to work on. They made me their whipping post and a place to dump blame for their anger and issues.

I have a degree in psychology becuz I thought about becoming a domestic violence counselor, but then I'd probably end up in jail for maiming all the abusers (I'm just saying). So I garden instead :P
All my life experience could never hold a candle to becoming a counselor.....I think I'll stick to other things that make me feel better instead. I'll come here and other places on DS and use my super powers to help others for free :)

Ya'll stay safe and know I love ya'll!!!

Hi Vader: Yes, anger is part of the process but when it turns into abuse, it's a serious problem. I'm so glad to hear you sought help. Many people struggle with just admitting they need it.

MsBlank: I feel like you are telling much of my story and that really worries me. He has been sending me texts all day telling me how much he needs me and loves me and how he's going to work so hard to change and be better for me and damn this heart of mine, it is getting to me. I love him and I want us to work but I have come to realize that if we are going to work out it is going to be a process and I have to stand my ground to make sure he gets the help he needs. More for his sake than mine.

HollowHeart: I guess grief does change you. I've heard that before from friends who have lost a parent. They say it changes you forever.

I can't thank you all enough for your support. You all are a blessing to me and have helped more than you could know.

(((hugs)))

Angie ~ STAND STRONG. If you are feeling weak to his texts....block him! Take control!
I know it is difficult becuz our hearts and heads are not always together.
He will tug at those heart strings.....becuz it works!!!! Then you go on the honeymoon phase.....then BOOM.....the cycle starts all over again. That is how my ex kept me hooked for 27 years!

If you ever have the opportunity to watch Tyler Perry's movie, "Madea's Family Reunion", watch it!!! it will put abuse into the perspective of how it works. My favorite part is when the girl plays "grit ball" with her fiance on their wedding day!
Altho your I'm hoping your fiance has not crossed the line of physical....I have been there with the physical.....wish I had played "grit ball" (you have to watch the movie in order to understand that...lol). I will say that the mental and verbal is far worse than physical....altho it is a close second.
My gut says that YOUR fiance will probably cross the line into physical abuse......eventually. A bad temper is usually the gateway to other abuses.
You have to ask yourself.....is that what you want for the rest of your life?
I count myself lucky to get out alive. However, my ex dragged me through a 5 year divorce and sued me twice with bogus lawsuits.
Trust me......he was always that mean.....he was just really good at hiding it for a few years.....then the true him shown through loud and clear!!!! He turned our kids against me.....all of them and took 3 out of 4 grand kids too.
They NEVER fight fair and find out your weaknesses and use it against you.
I really hope your fiance is not that bad...and I don't mean to project my issues on your situation. It's just I have seen this time and time again (I'm a hairdresser and really DO know everything about my clients....lol).
Hang in there........

MsBlank: I'm doing my best. I called the domestic violence hotline and the advocate told me all about the honeymoon phase. She also let me know that therapy for him may take years so I shoukdnt believe that he can just change within a few days or weeks of my being absent. He told me he was going to get help and work hard so I figure I should give myself at least a month of no contact to get my mind right. Blocking him is probably a good idea but at this moment I can't bring myself to do that. Maybe after the first week. Baby steps, you know.

I'm chuckling over your Tyler Perry reference. I did see the movie and the grit ball scene is one of my faves. It has only been a day and I miss him so much. But after speaking to the DV advocate, I know I can't build a life with him unless he's serious about getting help. I hope to God that he is. He's a good man and he's been through a lot and I do somehow feel like I abandoned him. This is such a confusing emotional time. I got some info on a free support group in my area. I'm going to start that after the holidays. I'm hanging in there. My family is doing a great job of keeping me occupied. I will be ok

Angie,

Thank you for letting us know how you are doing. It sounds like you have a rough time ahead of you, but at least you are starting to know more about the path you face.

Knowledge is power!

Pepper