I lost my mother in 1980 when I was 27. You kind of have a loss of innocence. I had my faith to help me through. I think that he should have counseling or maybe you could go alone. He is in a lot of pain and that is why he is lashing out. He shouldn't be taking things out on you to that degree. If you really love him I would try to work it out. ((Hug))

I just lost my parents (mom in Aug of 2014, dad in Aug of this year). I kind of treated my wife poorly. It is true, she does not understand my loss, and it is true that she loved them too. And it is true that I needed to be more understanding of her feelings as well.

Bottom line, he is out of line. He is not handling his grief properly. I doubt that he will take it well, but I suggest that you set some limits for him. But work with him if he is willing to try.

If he is feeling angry, perhaps he needs to give you a clue. It could be simple "Hon, I'm feeling an angry spell coming on" or it could be a code "touches his nose with his right hand".

I agree with you, 11 months is too long for him to be lashing out at people, but the approaching 1 year mark may be weighing heavy on his mind right now.

Angie,

No, you are not wrong in being fed up, especially since you are trying to help him. Tell him 'Look, I'm trying to help you. I can't imagine what you are going through, but you aren't making it easy on me to be supportive." I think he does need counseling because he needs someone to just vent too. Counseling isn't for everyone, come can't even imagine going to sit and tell someone their problems, even if they need it. So you can only suggest it.

It's awful that such tragedies can indeed break up a marriage or family, but it doesn't have to be the case. You are certainly doing your part.

My mom pissed me off today because I called her to say I wasn't in the mood for my stupid holiday work party (which starts at 4:00 and the longer I sit here the more I just want to go home) and her reply is "Just be happy" when I said I wasn't happy, she goes "Oh, you're crazy. You can still go and be happy even if you aren't in the mood."

I know you are trying to see things from his POV, and it's appreciated. I mentioned my story because as someone who's grieving you can imagine how hurtful and angry I was over being told to just "be happy". From his perspective, I get that need to want to just snap at people and say *fu*k everybody* but that's how I feel when people are not trying to get it. I'm tired of people pushing me to hurry up and be happy. It's very distressing.

Tell him he's lucky to have someone trying to understand and help and let him be sad as long as he needs because some people don't have anyone that cares or tries. I was pretty hurt to be told "Just be happy". To me that is ignoring my feelings and making me feel ashamed at still mourning my sister. Like "oh you need to get over that already".

What if it was the other way around? You'd need his support. I know we want to be selfish when we are grieving, but you could not bother at all. He needs to do his part to and appreciate you for you.

I remember you two! You go right ahead and vent. Yes, anger is part of the grieving process, but you're not his verbal punching bag. I'd tell him "One more outburst like that and I'm outta here, we're through!"

I don't think he's relationship material. I wasn't. So why can't he just say "I'm sorry to put you through this, I'm in a really serious funk and I don't know if I'll ever be able to pull out of it. Maybe we should end this so you can pursue other people. I want to be fair to you, I want you to be happy, and you don't deserve this"? Because he's not in his right mind.

I want to chime back in and agree with Pepperman. I liked what he said about letting you know when he is in a mood. I remember at my last job the attorneys, and just the work and job itself, pissed me off often and if a friend would come by trying to joke and talk I'd say "I can't be around people right now, just not in a talky mood" otherwise I'd snap at her and she'd do the same for me.

That was better than letting someone get on your nerves until you snap.

In my own experience, I have found not everyone will get it and say and do things that further interferes with healing.
I also have learned that I can not control how other ppl act or react and therefore I can only control myself.

IMO your finance is lashing out and unabel to cope with his losses and needs counseling. However, you can not make him get help....HOWEVER....you can help yourself. Removing yourself from the abuse and getting counseling for yourself would be helpful in deciding if you should stay or leave the relationship. Removing yourself by moving out can be temporary and not really an end to the relationship....just allowing yourself space to decide what is best for you. Do NOT let the counselor decide for you....just let her/him guide you to options and setting firm boundaries.

Perhaps when you take care of yourself, your fiance will get himself some help. Abuse is not acceptable just becuz someone is grieving.
I know you still love him and it is hard to shut off your feelings and that is why it is so confusing and difficult for you to see solutions.

My experience has been that the abuse will continue to escalate, so stay safe and help yourself first.
I wish you all the best and keep us in the loop...ok?
Take care

Thank you all so much for your words of support. I really needed to release this negative energy:

Veronica: I really wish he would get help because clearly he is not coping well on his own. But like others have said, I can't make him go. He went once and decided he was done with it. That was several months ago.

Pepper: Was it different for you and your wife this time around with losing your dad or did you revert back to how you were when you lost your mom? Experiencing one when you barely coming to terms with the first must be so tough on you. How did you get past the rough moments with your wife? You seem like such a level-headed person

HollowHeart: I can't totally get why you wouldn't be the least bit interested in your office holiday party. Given your mom is also grieving I am surprised at the comment she made. I suppose people deal with things in their own way and maybe she just doesn't want to see you sad? In that instance I get the frustration but he lashes out at me for things like opening a new box of kleenex before the old one runs out or this morning when we needed to fill out some paperwork he's yelling at me for "asking so many f*cking questions" ( i was asking him what was on the forms) or opening the blinds or putting box food on the canned food shelf. It finally got to me today and I snapped back.

Koolman: I don't even know if I want to give him another chance. I spent my lunch break looking at apartments. He's a whole new person and he's getting worse. i don't recognize him anymore.

Ms. Blank: he sooooo needs counseling and he refuses to get it. I can't really afford to go to counseling as often as I would like. I'm going to try to find low-cost options though. I'm really at my breaking point. I know he must be very messed up inside to act like this. I just didn't expect this sudden turn for the worst.

I'm about to head home now. I really hope he isn't there when I get there. I don't even want to look at him right now. Thank you all again for listening and reaching out. I really needed a shoulder.

(((Hugs)))

Check through your county either police department or health center for a counselor that will go on a sliding scale or offer free....or join a local support group.

I'm not an expert, but my gut is telling me that your fiance has deeper troubles than the loss of his parents and that their death may have tripped the switch.
I married an abuser and never turned him in, so I am unable to get a restraining order. I ended up kinda getting a body guard.....I can't own a dog......so this so called body guard and I have a deal worked out and so far so good.

Just play your cards close to your chest......you need to stay safe and you deserve happiness and love.
You have done all you can for your fiance.....the ball is in his court.

Oh......and don't let him lure you back in with promises or "it will never happen again" or "I'll get counseling" (let him get counseling and give it a waiting period to see if it lasts before moving back in.).
Hang in there kiddo......you can do this!

Angie,

My mother had lost most of her mind by time she passed away. She had dementia so bad that she was combining different memories into single memories, often adding things that never happened to fill in the gaps.

So when she passed it was more of a blessing, if you will.

The thing that hit me when dad died was that the family I was born into was now gone, except for me.

I wish that my wife had just said something like, "I can't begin to understand losing the last of your birth family." But she didn't. I think that the fact that I'm 62 years old factors into how I act. Had all this happened at a younger age I might have been a lot more prone to lashing out.

Does your fiancee have any family left? (Sorry if you have answered this before.) If so perhaps you can enlist their help dealing with him.

How has he handled stress in the past? Does he tend to act out in general, or is this something new? If this is 'common behavior' for him when he is stressed, then he really needs to get some new coping skills. If this is new for him, then it may just be that he is really "in over his head" when it comes to handling grief like this and desperately needs therapy to help him cope.

Only you know what is the right thing for you to do. I don't think any of us would blame you if you wrote him out of your life. But before you do this, perhaps you can find him in a calmer moment and let him know that you are just trying to help, but that you can't accept him treating you like this. Consider leaving him for a while, give him some time to think. Leave him with a positive note, perhaps "You need to get into therapy, and we need to talk about how you are treating me when you are angry."

Wishing you peace,
Pepper

MsBlank: you hit the nail on the head. His mom' passing awakened some daemons I didn't realize were there. His father is alive but abandoned him when he was 3 years old. His mother and grandma raised him and they are both gone now and he is furious that his dad is still alive. He use to say that he wasn't affected by his father's absence but it is obvious now that he is. Thankfully he wasn't home when I got here and in hoping he stays out all night

Pepper: its so hard to know exactly what to say to your partner during a time like this. You don't know what will offend or comfort. Its a very helpless feeling but I'm sure your wife not saying those "right" things didn't come from a place of insensitivity. We are so ill prepared for loss. He has a younger sister and she is probably the one person who gives him a sense of purpose. He doesn't see her as a peer but a helpless child to be rescued.Shes 23 and he is 38. They didn't even really talk much until recently. Besides she is grieving too so I woukdnt want to put this on her shoulders.
As far as how he handled stress in the past, I would say in a normal way. We argued like any other couple but he has never been this disrespectful. Calling me names, criticizing every little thing, shutting me out...this is all new and overwhelming. He had just proposed 2 months before she died.we were happy and smiling and planning our wedding. His mother took his soul when she left this earth.

Knowing about his father does make more sense in how he is acting and I'm not sure it will get better. He has abandonment issues and resents the one person being alive that dumped him. He's 'angry at the world' and while I get it that's not your problem.

Him getting mad about the blinds and the Kleenex is displaced anger. He has rage at his absentee father, the fact he's still alive and anger at his mom for having to die and leave him. Anger at a situation he can't change. I get that 100%. A drastic measure might be him seeing he's losing you. Or maybe he really does need time alone for a while.

Too many people who are grieving try to be the hero; protecting their siblings or children from the emotional blows of a relative passing.

I have a couple of friends IRL who have done this. They are finally seeing that this is counter productive not only for them but for their grown relatives.

His sister is much younger than he is, but she is an adult. He should be relating to her as an adult sister, not a kid sister.

It really sounds like you need some physical separation from him, and leave him with an assignment to get help.

Gentle hugs, this is a hard path you are walking.

ps I really agree with Hollow, his father's abandonment is very likely a crucial part of his emotions. Learning how to deal with that may be the best way for him to start to heal.

Hollowheart and Pepper: I agree with you both. I need time away from him and I told him so last night. i wasn't as calm as I would like to have been but I told him that even though I have no idea of the turmoil he is dealing with, I know that the way he's been treating me is not acceptable. I also told him that whether he wants to admit it or not, he needs help and he can't handle this on his own. i told him I was leaving because I have to remove myself from this unhealthy environment before it becomes more chaotic. I packed a few things and went to my sister's house. He sent me a text this morning which said:

"Before you quit on us for good, can we go back to that counselor?"

I don't know how to feel about this. I don't want him to use counseling as a means to win me back but i know he really does need the help. I also don't think I want to "give in" too soon.

Anyway, TGIF.

You can tell him you will go back to the counselor after he has been 4 or 5 times. You can also tell him you are not quitting him for good; you are taking a break from the relationship until he learns that lashing out at you is not an acceptable way for him to deal with stress.

Gentle hugs, and support for what ever decisions you make.

Angie ~ IMO he NEEDS his own counselor and you NEED your own counselor. After 6 months find a couples counselor and go to both.
There are things you both need to work on individually and to share a counselor would be a conflict of interest.

DO NOT move back in with him until he PROVES to you consistently that he has made improvements. Then take it slow.

Trust me.....he is gonna try EVERY tactic to suck you back in (he will play on your emotions like a fiddle).....STAND STRONG.
When you change, he will be forced to change.
A relationship takes two ppl working on it together. In my case.....my ex felt I was the problem and didn't go to therapy until AFTER I left. He forgot to tell his therapist about the physical and financial abuse he inflicted on me.....and that was several months into therapy.
He invited me to join him and I asked him if he had told her why I left......he said he forgot......soooooooooo we were already on our way to therapy, so I could not back out and I was anxious to tell MY side of the story (btw.....we were separated at that point.....we tried therapy while together and that bombed out).
When I told my side of the story his therapist quickly took my side....looked him in the eyes and told him that abuse of any kind was unacceptable and that I was NOT to return home until he got the proper help! Unfortunately.....he stopped therapy and we divorced!
I have now regained my composure....continued therapy and am now a whole and happy person. I'm thriving and that is why I come back to these groups is to tell others that you too can overcome anything and become victorious!
Be on your guard and don't be tricked.
I use the mantra/saying...
"If someone SHOWS you who they are the first time.....believe them!" ~ Maya Angelou