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I start to do okay for awhile, and then something happens which causes me to go back to feeling numb and anti-social.
This last time, we had friends over for what was supposed to be a farewell party for other friends of ours, but they never showed. Anyway, during the course of the evening, the conversation abruptly turned to my mother's passing and how strained our relationship was.
I have been having a very difficult time lately just trying to adjust. No matter how much I feel like there is too much on my plate right now, trying to figure what I can let go to lessen the load at the moment is more stressful than all of the activities. As a result, I realized that I'm being too hard on my children. They are only 1.5 and 2.5 years, so it's unreasonable of me to think they are capable of sitting still or being quiet long enough for me to get something done.
I was just telling my husband last night that I'm being too hard on them. His response was that they need to learn. Well, he's right in that they need to learn there are boundaries. Although brief, I had a moment last night that I thought my daughter and I would turn out to have the same relationship my mother and I had.
No matter what I do, I can't seem to get past the guilt and regrets, and it's starting to affect my children. I thought that maybe I could begin to make peace with everything by continuing on with RCIA and church services. What was supposed to have been an exciting and happy day, I ended up being angry and frustrated the whole time.
When I started attending RCIA classes, I was excited and happy to be on that journey. So much has changed since then, and now I just feel numb to everything. And nothing we had planned, has gone according to plan. I registered for RCIA on the belief that my children and I could all be baptized together at the Easter Vigil. According to my sponsor, that is no longer the case, as she said the Pastor told her that he will be only be baptizing the adults at that time. My husband doesn't seem to care that it WON'T be on Easter as originally planned, and refuses to speak with the Pastor or anyone about it, and we haven't been at church since the subject came either.
This last time, we had friends over for what was supposed to be a farewell party for other friends of ours, but they never showed. Anyway, during the course of the evening, the conversation abruptly turned to my mother's passing and how strained our relationship was.
I have been having a very difficult time lately just trying to adjust. No matter how much I feel like there is too much on my plate right now, trying to figure what I can let go to lessen the load at the moment is more stressful than all of the activities. As a result, I realized that I'm being too hard on my children. They are only 1.5 and 2.5 years, so it's unreasonable of me to think they are capable of sitting still or being quiet long enough for me to get something done.
I was just telling my husband last night that I'm being too hard on them. His response was that they need to learn. Well, he's right in that they need to learn there are boundaries. Although brief, I had a moment last night that I thought my daughter and I would turn out to have the same relationship my mother and I had.
No matter what I do, I can't seem to get past the guilt and regrets, and it's starting to affect my children. I thought that maybe I could begin to make peace with everything by continuing on with RCIA and church services. What was supposed to have been an exciting and happy day, I ended up being angry and frustrated the whole time.
When I started attending RCIA classes, I was excited and happy to be on that journey. So much has changed since then, and now I just feel numb to everything. And nothing we had planned, has gone according to plan. I registered for RCIA on the belief that my children and I could all be baptized together at the Easter Vigil. According to my sponsor, that is no longer the case, as she said the Pastor told her that he will be only be baptizing the adults at that time. My husband doesn't seem to care that it WON'T be on Easter as originally planned, and refuses to speak with the Pastor or anyone about it, and we haven't been at church since the subject came either.
Ah young children! Mine are more than 10 times that age, so I may be looking at it through a rose colored rear view mirror! I found that when my children frustrated me the most likely cause was that I was expecting too much of them as well. So drop your expectations, pick tasks they can do and let other things wait until they are asleep.
When my mom joined a new church (due to a move or once because she disagreed with the way a church was being run and left) she wanted to join on Easter Sunday. So I understand your desire to join on that date. I too wish the Pastor would change his mind. (Can you talk to the pastor???)
Gentle Hugs
I wonder if your emotions are getting all wound together, by losing your mom, feeling guilty, and then feeling the need to be baptized at the Easter Vigil. I'm wondering, could the baptism wait until next year, when you would hopefully feel better and stronger?
I wouldn't have minded that, but we have a routine at home that works. When I get home on class nights (which is every Thursday), I play with the children for a bit, then start dinner for them. Once I've got them strapped in their booster seat and high chair, Daddy steps in, so I can calmly exit without a scene. At least I've convinced my husband to talk to the Pastor with me. We weren't able to attend Mass this past Saturday, so my husband said he will speak with the Pastor's helper before Mass this weekend.
According to our Church, we are unable to baptize the children together, unless my husband and I are both Catholic. It's important to my husband that the are baptized prior to their 3rd birthday (well, he's said 2, but we're already behind on that), but it's equally important to me they're done together. The only thing to do at this point is speak with the Pastor.
Responding to another post got me thinking...I wonder if I'm having such a difficult time now since I really never allowed myself time TO actually grieve? When our friends brought up the subject this past weekend, it just reminded me of everything going on.
I had thought that I could start to make peace with things BY continuing on, but now I just feel like it's hopeless.
Overall, I think your unresolved grief and your guilt and regrets are keeping you in a holding pattern. I always say my guilt and regrets regarding my sister are like a bad groove in a record--the needle goes smoothly then gets to that groove and can't go any further, just skipping and repeating over and over. That is how I am.
Dealing with TWO toddlers during this time is enough to drive you insane. It is no surprise you are having a hard time with that. Grief takes a lot out of you and takes away your focus and motivation. What you were once able to deal with and tolerate is intolerable now. You need an outlet for your grief. You need to be able to vent. Is there anything at your church that is available? A grief counselor? I can't remember if you mentioned if you had some access to therapy.
Maybe it's just me, but I'm all about venting. there are so many stupid things I encounter in a day that I wish I had someone to tell it too, even small little things. I know I'm much angrier and meaner now because of that. Holding all that in definitely changes you. Also, me still feeling guilty over my responsibility in my sisters passing doesn't help. I know I didn't do enough and now I have to live with it and know I possibly cost her her life. Hard thing to reconcile with.
It's not hopeless. Soon your kids will be baptized and that situation will be resolved. This sounds cliche, but it is about baby steps. Also, you can make peace by continuing on, but you can't expect doing one or two things will make something so tragic and complicated OK. You have a long history with your mom and her death, some things you might have to talk out. Some of it you can maybe let go and let be, and some things you have to try to figure out how to deal with it and live with it.
Unfortunately, our church doesn't offer any support group or counseling. And to be honest, I'm a little afraid of even seeing a therapist or counselor. Back in 2011, I had a date with someone who I thought was a good guy. Well, I was completely wrong. I should've known had an "agenda" when he invited himself over to my place for a beer, then made himself at home and stayed for dinner.
I had only been with my ex-husband before that, so I was very naive and ignorant. And I have never been a big drinker either (not until then anyway). In the past, whenever I had a drink it was a cocktail, never any beer. And I've always been somewhat of a lightweight.
LSS, I contacted a woman's crisis counselor a few weeks after, who basically blamed me for anything happening. That I should've known better not to invite a stranger over, let alone have a drink with them in my home should something take place.
A year after, I met my husband. Although he'd had a number of girlfriends before me, there was something different about him. I still haven't told him anything about it. As it turns out, they knew each other; worked for the same company for a short period of time.
This past month it has been one thing after another. I started to feel a little calmer, like I could finally breathe after the Rite of Election had passed. Then the RCIA leaders reminded us that the Scrutinies are coming up, which we are required to arrive at least 30 minutes for rehearsal. Where did the time go? OMG!
Now on top of all THAT, mutual friends we have (I met them through my husband), are supposed to moving back home. They were all set for the drive with their trucks and trailers all packed up (they intended on driving back), but due to the situation at the border with the crooked border patrol officers and the cartels, they're now thinking of selling all their stuff and just flying home.
My husband has now decided that he wants one of the trucks, and of course, the biggest one. Our friend spent a considerable amount upgrading it, and asking for 5x what we can afford. It's a mess, and I just pray that it all works out well for everyone.