So...I know that I am going to be told I shouldn't feel this way...but I can't help.

I have felt a lot of pain.  I feel like instead of healing, I am just going farther down hill...and then I realized why.  I feel guilty.  Not neccesarily for dad's death, because I didn't kill him, but because I wasn't there.  

After letting a so called friend use me, I worked 3 jobs, and was barely home.  The last father's day that I would have had with him, I ended up working all day, and he was asleep when I got home.  For the last year of his illness, I was almost always gone before he woke up, and he would be asleep when I got home.  I would sit with mom and ask how he did that day, and sometimes I would just watch him sleep, knowing i would regret all of these days that I had to work.

I feel guilty because I should have done more, somehow made DSS give him medicaid.  I should have gone to more doctors appointments (unable to get off work), and those two weeks he was in the hospital, I should have visited him more.

I have so many regrets now, and I feel like I am never going to work past them.  I have been debating on books about grief, but constantly tell myself that it will do no good and I shouldn't waste my money.

I miss my dad so much.  A few days ago marked 7 months, and I tried to ignore the date, but every time I turned around it was like a blinking neon light.  Every month the 26th is the hardest day...

I'm trying to heal...but it feels like I am just going backwards...