Hello, I read your post and I do understand your fear of death. It can traumatize a child to see death. If you were not explained what death really is back when this happened it can very well mark you with fear.

You say you feel like you had a stroke, anxiety and fear can make you feel that way.

You saw your grandfather when he was dying and when he when he died, he shed he left his body in spirit form, his body may of been broken and not pretty anymore.

Your grandfather may of been suffering and in pain and he knew where he was going and he called out to God. That is a wonderful thing for you have heard from him.

Your grandfather's spirit is young and handsome again and he is with God. He does not want you to feel fear from his death but to try to understand it in this way.

We all are here for a little while, think of your grandfather on vacation and that you can send him letters (write to him tell him of your fears and anxieties that you feel because of him dying) he will see it. He may not answer you but God will answer you in different ways. It may be just a feeling of Peace (which you so greatly need).

Only on his vacation, he does not want to come back because it is so beautiful there and he is awaiting for you to join him. So he reads your letters. You will one day join him but for now you must live your life as he would like you too. Because we are all here for a reason and when we fulfill that reason, we will all join our loved ones again.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

16 For this reason we never become discouraged. Even though our physical being is gradually decaying, yet our spiritual being is renewed day after day. 17 And this small and temporary trouble we suffer will bring us a tremendous and eternal glory, much greater than the trouble. 18 For we fix our attention, not on things that are seen, but on things that are unseen. What can be seen lasts only for a time, but what cannot be seen lasts forever.

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Vs 18 seen is the dying body (stop dwelling on your grandfather's body). unseen is the renewed spirit (start seeing your grandfather alive in spirit form).

Vs 19 what lasts for a short time (his body) what lasts forever (his spirit).

This means when it is your time to go, you will see him again. I will be praying for you to look that fear in face and conquer it in Jesus name.

Caltex gave EXCELLENT advice.

My father died when I was ten. In my 20s I had a terrible fear of death, I was a hypochondriac! Your grandfather SAW something, that's why he was reaching for the ceiling. We are never alone, there is another "dimension", a spiritual one, and no one passes out of this world without help from God. Caltex was right, your grandfather saw where he was GOING and I'm here to tell YOU that this is no fairy tale, I would stake my life on this (in fact, I have). God is REAL and He has a plan for your life. FEAR does not come from God. It's VERY unlikely that a 22 year old will have a stroke, the odds must be a million to one (unless you have some physical malfunction of the brain which is HIGHLY unlikely).

I think you need to see a grief counselor or psychotherapist. There's no shame in how you feel, I understand it all too well. I am now almost 65 years old!!! SO all my fears that I would drop dead (and I had them a LONG time, into my 30s) were totally without any basis in reality, and SO ARE YOURS. Don't waste one more minute suffering in silence. Get some help. Ask your parents about this; if you are emancipated and have a small income, you qualify for medicated health insurance. Go to social services and find out if you qualify. Once you have this help, you can find a therapist. Most counties have mental health facilities where there is no payment or a very low co-payment. Perhaps some short term anti-anxiety medication will help you as you talk to your therapist to clear up these fears.

Your grandfather went in spirit to stand before God, as we all will. There's nothing to fear. But NOW: live, love, laugh. Life is short, it seems to be I was 22 just last month lol. I can remember things clearly from my childhood and throughout my lifetime. Before you know it, you'll someday be my age and look back at this time and thank God you got yourself some help so you can LIVE.

Fear of death is a universal feeling. Just one question, where were you before you were born? Nothing to fear there is there? I would strongly advise you to read some books on the subject - try starting with Dr Elizabeth Kubler Ross, She is highly intelligent but does not write "above" her readers. She tells of collected experiences she and others in the medical profession have had on the subject of death. She is easy to understand, and one sees that there is nothing to fear. It is not a bad thing to come to terms with death sooner than later. One needs to greet death as an old friend, not a monster. It is like looking at a pupa. It looks lifeless, and then a butterfly (The true nature of the creature) emerges in all its beauty, to fly, to live and let us wonder at its beauty.

My grandmother died 20 years ago. When the funeral home came to get her, they were not very graceful about it. Warning my next statement is graphic and what I remember most after all these years. Inevitably, her arm slid out of the body bag. Her white and lifeless arm just sliding out was so traumatizing to me for months. I'd have nightmares of her wanting me to help her. I was also mad at the men who had escorted her away.

With that said, for the longest time, I had a fear of dying and no one to find me. But, through the years have discovered I was doing myself a injustice in worrying about it all of the time.

So with your feelings of having a stroke or anxiety about having one I say take care of yourself as much as you can but don't dwell on it. This is life, anything can happen or nothing at all is a possibilty too. I've come to the philosophy of just dealing with things when they happen and being positive as possible.

Hope this helps! Hugs!