Hello,
Im hoping another perspective will help you to understand and communicate your thoughts and feelings appropriately with your mother. And it is important that you understand that the goal is not only to understand your mother but to ensure that she understands you.

Let me say that Im so sorry for the sad circumstances surrounding you now. Its horrible not to have had immediate knowledge of your dads passing. Even more profound is that your mother is saying cruel things about him in death and that while living as a couple they had a complicated relationship. Because of this fact, it still is very important to achieve a therapeutic approach to your route of communication with her during this matter so, its honorable that you understand that hurtful language about his character is not helpful for you, nor is her attitude acceptable in the matter of mapping out your very own useful approach to healing, which is by dealing with the turmoil of issues surrounding his death and the grief with a loving mind and gentleness.

In order for you to better understand your mother, it may be better for you to depend on how your mother BEHAVES during this time rather than believing what she shares verbally about the past relationship with your father. And keep in mind that people deal with grief by strange emotions and in different ways of coping. It can be that she is merely translating the faults of their relationship in this odd way only to ease her own past emotional suffering and not to just offend you and she most likely is not intending to hurt you emotionally at all. Look at the matter in this way. Has she, at any time, encouraged you NOT to participate in providing your love and care to the planning of his funeral services? This is a very important question to think about- for if this were the case, then she would be intentionally attempting to persuade you to submit to her will and accept her crude words. However, if she is encouraging you or supporting your plan to help with important details concerning the settlement of estate or of your dads final wishes, then most likely her lack of verbal control does not directly involve the love which you feel for him, and her rude words are only for a personal reason and not to make you feel uncomfortable.

If you are not ready to approach your mother with your respectful thoughts about how her hurtful words offend you, then perhaps a trusted family member or friend may do so on your behalf, or be there with you as you explain to her. Certainly, your mother will appreciate that your pain was brought to her attention immediately for your personal relief and she will be happy to reconsider not sharing her bad memories of your dad while in your presence.

Blessings to you.

volatile I can understand how hurtful it is to hear mom state bad things about dad better not say anything but allow mom to say what she wants to say no matter how un pleasant it is to your ears. greiving is something that takes a life of its own and with it can be some very unpleasant things but each has their own memories and personal relationship with that person who has passed away and it becomes a single process individually to work through try not to judge mom as i am sure each family member has some not so good moments but i am sure there were some great moments as well and right now the bad is in the forefront they must be sorted out first before the good will come to light...............god bless

I have a similar situation, except that it isn't my mom spouting off, it is my mom's youngest sister which has caused tremendous pain for my mom and I. My aunt never liked my dad and tried to break my parents up for years (my dad was not the nicest person....but he also did many good things too and that is what my mom and I wish to hold onto).
My mom did confront her sister on this issue, but she just shrugged it off as "no big deal". It is a "big deal" for my mom and I, but the damage is already done which is making the grief that much worse.
I don't have an answer, but just wanted you to know you are not alone (my dad passed away 4 weeks ago).

This is awful. It is difficult to deal with it, but the best way is to ignore it completely (Easier said than done, I hear you say) The thing is, that reaction is what gives this sort of behaviour a life of it's own - no response, what can the person do next? Soon your mother will realise that her bad mouthing achieves nothing, and it will stop, I promise you. It is also doing nothing to make her feel better. I can understand that bitterness is the cause of her behaviour, but you need not buy into it. You need to mourn YOUR way. Regardless of the wrong he might have done, you love him. That is something of great value. Strength to you babes, feel free to speak here, we will do whatever we can for you. We also pray for mom and her anger. Love to all. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx