Bereavement Support Group
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It's Easter today and I thought I could be strong after watching a few uplifting church services on TV. I tried to organize and pack some of dad's things away, and came across one of those mint sponges for cleaning his mouth. I used several of those trying to sneak him some water after the hospital doctors and nurses forbade me to give him liquids, thus causing him to die.
I could not stop bawling thinking of my dear father, my strength, my hero, my best friend. I wish I could die right now and join him in heaven. Mom is still acting like nothing happened, happily drinking her tea. And no, she doesn't have dementia, just no feelings at all! Will this pain ever get less?
There's nothing for me to look forward to, except for mom getting sick and dying too. I can only get out 6 hours a week when the government gives us a few free hours of care for her. If only I could get away and not be so reminded of dad's suffering as he died at home, and mom moved in to share my room, so I have to do my office work right where his bed was.
Anyway at least I have a hope that daddy's safe in heaven now, with no more tears and pain - wish I could give him a big hug and hold his big hands in mine just one more time, sob!
I could not stop bawling thinking of my dear father, my strength, my hero, my best friend. I wish I could die right now and join him in heaven. Mom is still acting like nothing happened, happily drinking her tea. And no, she doesn't have dementia, just no feelings at all! Will this pain ever get less?
There's nothing for me to look forward to, except for mom getting sick and dying too. I can only get out 6 hours a week when the government gives us a few free hours of care for her. If only I could get away and not be so reminded of dad's suffering as he died at home, and mom moved in to share my room, so I have to do my office work right where his bed was.
Anyway at least I have a hope that daddy's safe in heaven now, with no more tears and pain - wish I could give him a big hug and hold his big hands in mine just one more time, sob!
It sounds like your mother has "moved on" in her own way. Please don't hitch your recovery to her wagon. Yes, she and you should be huge partners in that journey.
Gentle hugs
I feel your heartbreak and sorrow in every word you right. Grief is so isolating, especially when you really ARE isolated. I am glad that you did find this place to talk. I hope there is a way you can find a grief counselor. Maybe even check with the hospital and see if they have some referrals. I know therapy is not for everyone and not everyone can get therapy, but if that is an option for I urge you to take it.
The only way I felt like I could get through it was therapy because I needed to talk, talk, talk about what happened and about my pain and there was NO ONE. The one person that I would have talked to was the one I needed to talk about. It was horrible.
You are traumatized and have PTSD. I totally understand where you are coming in wanting to just die to end this mental and emotional suffering. There is nothing worse than that, even torture ends. But you can't escape your mind and your thoughts.
My mom had sort of the same reaction. A couple of days later she was happily wanting to put up pics of my sister and talking about her in heaven. I think she was just in denial. I know that I spent way to long analyzing her grief, and I think that's probably what you are doing with your mom. It's hard when she is all you have left now and you are not even connecting with her. So you have someone but you are still essentially alone.
Don't expect her to change. Find a way to help and heal yourself. Be that therapy or counseling or whatever.