Bereavement Support Group
Are you grieving the loss of a loved one? Whether you lost someone recently or it's been years, grief and its accompanying emotions can be complicated to cope with. Join our online support group to connect with a supportive group of people who really know how you feel. Help is right here.
I had to write this column.Brad told me this would happen.As a child,I was very lonely and this was in the 1960s.I had a very happy childhood because my father in the summertime took us on these trips.He was a very good father and since then,I have had trouble making friends.Brad told me if anything happened to him....dont expect people to stay.It was almost like he knew and I believe that Brad planned his death.I had friends all of my life,but people change.You go to different schools.You move.You go to college.In college you try to make different friends,but in my life it didnt work out.I always had different interests and I feel that some people just dont understand.And I still feel lonely.I feel ,like I am on a island.The people who I used to bother with,while she no longer talks to me.It is like i no longer exist and I noticed when something happens to these fair weathered friends,they expect everyone to rally behind them.It is though I am to blame for what happened to Brad.When this happened,I called the minister and he said to me..."vader...why did you do?" This is what happens when you nag a man!" Number one..I never nagged Brad.Brad was his very own person.He cooked.He cleaned.he took care of the house when I worked and he was a good cleaner.The only fight I had with Brad was over money.I wanted to know where the money was going because he was spending a lot of it.ANd this question just drew resentment.It was as though I was asking him his personal business.Money can be the death for all couples.You must be truthful about money.You must discuss it.To be blamed for Brad death...is something that I will never get over.In the past two weeks before his death,I was going thru horror.He was just out of control and i feared for my cats lives.My cats were scared of him and Kramer hit in my closet.She thought that she was to blame and when she saw Brad drinking she panicked.Little Tooey ran under my bed and wouldnt come out.I knew that the end was coming.Brad was drinking and abusing drugs.And the drug of his choice was crack and he was smoking crack on a daily basis.A person on crack is not at all rational and I saw the changes in him.I feared that he would hurt me and for two weeks,I did not sleep.Noone knew of my problems.Noone knew of my pain.I tried to get Brad into rehab but without health insurance in Washington,you are screwed.When this happened,it was the memorial day weekend...all of the rehabs were closed.The emergency rooms were packed and I dont think that Brad would have gotten treated.For five years,Brad was clean and sober and we had good times.We went across country and did things that couples do.Brad took me to a high class place and we went dancing.He danced all night and he was happy but after the happiness wore off,he grew depressed.Then he would talk to me.I have got a hearing problem,I dont hear well.This was the result of Brad driving and I have tried for years to get hearing aids.I dont hear well and everyday I try.I have got close captioned on my tv,,but I hear my music and i still can sing and I am wonderfing if I will be totally deaf.One of the greatest was totally deaf and that was Beethhoven.His works are those of a genius and I am not a genius..I am just trying.I will always love Brad.He took me out of a boarding house and now I have a home.he made me realize that I can do whatever I put my mind off.But these people just dont talk to me.I think that when a famous person commits suicide.......people tend to come forward..but if you are the relative or friend of a person who comits suicide....there are really no back up.....Please dont tell me that people are overwhelmed.If they are the time to go to dinners and take the kids shopping,they can at least buy me a card and say"Vader..I heard about Brad.I am sorry.Here is a card.Enclosed you will find 20.00 for cat food." or "Vader.....I am so sorry but i have been overwhelmed.Lets go out for coffee." So if you think that this happens to other people...dont.Kindly dont.This is happening almost everyday and these ordinary people like myself need support.Just ignoring them shows that you are stupid and you lack the social skills....(but whose fault is that) Please remind yourself you are not protected from lifes tragedies and you have better be prepared when the unthinkable happens and when it happens,what will you do? Who will you turn to? WIll you desert the person this has happened to? And stop thinking of good times....think of living life to the fullest and i am doing just that..but i must realize that life is unpredicable and you must be prepared.If you not....what will you do?And for all of my fair weathered friends...let me ask this question.....When faced with a tragedy What will you do? WHo will you see ? Or will you take crack and drink to cover up your pain?
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Just thought I would join this group now that I am a widower. My wife passed away May 28th. She was "The Wind Beneath My Wings". When I met her, I was a drunken, dope smoking, fighting, hell raising biker. She told me if I could get rid of the inner storm within me, that I could be a blessing to people. God placed her in my path to stop me. I have been drug and alcohol free now for 53...
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My husband and I got our foster license last month, after 3 years of hard work (we had to start over multiple times due to family dramas and Mom's open heart surgery). We spent a year preparing the whole house, guest rooms, and children's bathroom for older kids of 7 yr old and up. Then we got a call that we have been approved to receive twin newborn premies. What, what?!! Babies!? Premies?!...
if the people were brad's friends more so, it makes it harder to see you because its like okay where is brad. its confusing. people get confused very easily especially when it comes to emotion.
try joining new things and meeting new friends, bowling, charitable groups, animal rescues, holding infants who are abandoned at hospitals, there are soooo many people who need help and need people. the world is full of friends we haven't met yet.
ultimately, for every single person, it's our resposnsibility to take care of ourselves. if you don't have support from your regular group of friends - find others. not so simple, i know. when i was where you've been stuck someone told me that the definition of insanity/stupidity is to do the same thing over and over again and expect different results.
everyone who has lost a loved one to suicide has been where you've been, where you are. staying angry is a great way to avoid the deeper grief, te feelings of guilt. anger is a great cocoon...but it doesn't get you anywhere.
Vadar if you need to vent about your anger this is the place to do it and I'm glad you have. You need to express exactly how you feel until you feel better.
There is no time limit on feelings and feelings don't have an IQ - they come when they come - not when they are supposed to come - and NO ONE is entitled to tell you that your feelings are wrong.
Everyone deals with their pain in their own way.
My family and a couple of friends from our Troop were cleaning our my burnt out house this weekend, I asked a neighbor to help move some things that wouldn't have taken 10 -15 min out of his day. He said he would be over in approx 15 min. He never showed up... Mind you this is someone my husband and I used to help ALL the time... another set of my neighbors came over to help and it literally took all of 5 min. with all of them helping... I truly wasn't asking for much.
So, to all those people who say "call me if you need me". Please be there when we DO call...
When tragedy, death, financial reverses, health or family problems arise, "friends" seem to be very scarce, that is, unless they need something.
It hurts.... because this is the time we are the most vulnerable and emotionally fragile. We don't need that hurt on top of the grief we're already experiencing. I guess on the positive side, some people have really stepped up during this time and have been supportive. I agree with Patti, showing respect while someone is grieving is important.
I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, and remain positive though. I choose to believe that most people do have kindness and sympathy in their hearts for someone who has suffered a recent death of a loved one. However, I think it's like most people just don't feel comfortable dealing with it. They're not sure if they should mention it, because maybe you are not currently thinking about it, and they feel awkward mentioning it. Now we, as the grievers, know that they should just say something, anything to show that they care. We know that no matter what, we are always thinking about it; as it is too big of a deal to ever really leave our minds.
I actually wrote a blog post that talks about this exact issue, how we should treat people who have suffered a great personal loss. If you want to read it you can find it at thereislifeafterdeath dot com. I saw the way that society often deals with death, as exemplified by the media treatment of a recent American Idol contestant who had lost her best friend. So that's what prompted me to write the blog, but also, we need to help educate people on the right way to treat someone who has lost a loved one. We can't just assume that they know what they should do, and that they're not doing it because they must not care. That honestly could be the case for some people, and if it is, then you don't need them in your life anyway. But most people, I believe, just don't feel comfortable with the subject, so often they will choose to just avoid it.
We as the grievers don't have that option. We have to deal with it, and so we'd hope that people could get over their issues and just offer support. But it doesn't always work that way. I'm very sorry that you've been treated in that insensitive manner. You have obviously suffered a tremendous loss, and that deserves to be acknowledged. You should also know that in no way, shape, or form, was Brad's death in any way caused by you. You should never let anyone tell you otherwise. As other people have mentioned, there are other things (and people) that can help you in this world. But you've got to be willing to help yourself. You are worth it and you deserve it. Keep searching for help and keep reaching out. It is all a process, but it's life. And death.
Good luck, take care, and God bless!!!