Big hug for you Luvlee….. I am so sorry for your loss

I'm glad that you were able to spend some good time together..... A RL bereavement group might be a good support for you

Do you mind writing what his "unhealthy choices' were.... The reason that I ask is if it's something like an addiction a group like Al anon or Nar Anon might really help you

Hi, SunCloudJD his unhealthy choices were drugs, alcohol, and procreating to many children. I am the eldest out of 13 children. That's all I know about him.

Have you considered that it is not only the death of the biological father but the death of a dream (to have a relationship with one's father). My friend had a unloving father and when he died, the siblings went to pieces because they would now never get the love they wanted from their father due to his death. My friend had gotten a lot of therapy and accepted that their father was flawed and incapable of giving the love that the child needed. Kind of like forgiveness but also letting go of wanting more from the father because the father was just simply incapable of doing more loving than he did. Each of us has flaws as a human and sometimes these flaws impact our children. Sometimes it helps to see the parent for the flawed human they are and find compassion for them rather than holding on to anger or a desperate need for the parent to give love (when they are not capable). Sometimes the death of the dream of receiving the love of the incapable of loving parent is very hard to deal with. Counseling helped my friend see that not being love properly was not my friend's fault.

Hi, urbangardener! I have considered the death of the relationship and more. I am seeking counseling. At first, I was hesitant because I am studying mental health in grad school and naturally thought I had the answers. I am seeking counseling and starting group counseling. I also found myself saying of "this my fault that was flawed from start to finish". It's been an overwhelming pill for me to swallow and accept and that's why I decided not to push through work and school. I am not taking classes this upcoming summer and work on me. I have/need to rebuild a healthy a better Keyonta` that's my name because it's a jigsaw puzzle trying to put the pieces together if that makes sense.

When someone is actively using I don't think that they can feel an awful lot for anything but the substance sadly and so much damage can be done

A group like Al anon or Nar anon might be a real help to you.... It's free and I've seen 12 step groups help people here on the PTSD board that suffer from complex trauma a great deal.....

Another hug.....xo