I am having difficulty dealing with all of this, and become my own worst enemy.

I have no family nearby, and no real friends.

I am a smoker.

I sought a smoker friendly social atmosphere before any of this happened and all I could find was the local casino.

The casino has become my escape from the grief and shock but it has taken a financial toll. I contend I am NOT addicted to gambling, if there were a smoker friendly coffee shop where I could go anytime I feel like running away I'd go there.

I need some other venue. The regimented options are not satisfying me, (i.e. Thursday evenings at 7:00 for an hour)

I am so very sorry for your loss.

I found that a set time/place for a bereavement class offered structure that helped me. But you have to do what works for you.

Gentle hugs

I am thinking about you today and am so sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry for your loss and the heartache the family is going through.
I am a smoker also and in my state smoking is banned everywhere so I learned to just take a beer or two out to the patio with me and relax. I am however trying to slow down my smoking and quit . I am the only family my boys have left so I need to stick around for awhile.

Big Hugs to you!

Thank you all for your supportive comments. It has been brutal.

I am so sorry for your loss. HUGS.

I like lost souls idea of the patio. I found it helpful to go outside after I was inside all day after my dad passed away. I watched TV and sat and stared in space. Going to the park to just feed the ducks and walk was nice to do.

It has been too cold and wet to sit outside, and I do not drink alcohol.......anymore. I fear if I started I would not stop, just like feeding the slot machines. Besides, I am taking Prozac. I don't think it would be a good mix.

I just want to run away....escape....and I don't know where to go.

I am 73.

I was feeling so guilty when dad passed away, that I had not done enough, that I should have taken him sooner to the doctor, recognized sooner that he was ill (I forced him to exercise when he begged me not to), hugged him more often, treated him to his favourite foods.

Now I can't change the past, and the future seems to hold nothing for me as mom is also sleeping most of the day. I'm stuck at home except for 6 hours a week when the government caregiver comes to give me some respite.

This means I feel alone, so alone just like you. But know that you did whatever you could based on what you knew, based on your own best ability. This is more than enough - I am telling myself this too, as I think of the loving things I did for my dad, like rubbing lotion on his back, soaking his feet and cutting his toenails.

It is okay to go out and indulge in our weaknesses to forget. I went to the food court and ate unhealthy food, I bought cheesecake and had that late at night, I found a series of TV soaps and watched non-stop so I could be tired and sleep. You'll feel guilty indulging yourself while you're "supposed to be grieving" but it's a part of keeping ourselves going.

I sit in the mall with my mind in limbo and look at families enjoying life and experience jealousy, and I have to tell myself that ultimately there is only so much we can do to determine destiny. There is a higher power who decides how long our days are - and yes, I've been shouting at God the past few months, but still I have to acknowledge my own helplessness - and this lets me forgive and love myself again.

Friends casually email about trivial problems and I don't care, family members are gone after learning that dad had nothing to leave them in his will. You are precious and valuable all on your own - if a beautiful flower grows in the forest and no one sees, it is no less beautiful. I'm trying my best to adjust to mom's coldness and indifference, and I give myself freedom to not throw dad's things away, to soak in a bubble bath while she gets upset that I'm not working my butt off serving her.

I wish I could give you a real hug - but I'm giving you a big cyber- hug and saying it's okay to feel miserable, to grieve, to cry, to not wash, to stay in your pyjamas, to have whatever makes you feel better and get through the day ... it is what has stopped me from doing harm to myself ... I pray that small moments of feeling okay will increase for you as it has for me

I love what LifeIs said, so well put. I struggle with guilt as well. Yes it is ok to feel miserable and just well feel the grief. It won't go away if you ignore it. Some days I ignore it at work just to make it through then I think of dad and get a good painful cry and while I don't feel better I do feel like I did something to acknowledge him.

I'm sorry its cold out where you are Sixty. I hope you can find some physical comfort with some blankets and tea. I know it won't make the sting of the loss go away but its nice to have a comfortable place. HUGS.

I think that, sometimes, we place too much emphasis on events that happened within a month or so of our loved ones passing.

I know that I love all my family, and if I were to pass away "now" I would never EVER be mad at my family for any spat, or outright fight, or slight, or anything else that may have been an issue between me and my family.

Because I know that we would have resolved it had I lived!

I believe that your daughter, if she could send you a message from the beyond, would tell you the same thing!

Continuing hugs

That's a good point PepperMan. I wouldn't hold it against anyone either.
HUGS.

It is so hard. I have no one to talk to, no one to comfort me.

No one.

No one

No one.

sixty you sound like you need someone to have a face to face talk with. Do you have a priest or minister? Or is there a crisis hotline in your area? A mental health drop-in center?

All of here are here for you and ready to listen to anything you want to share but I understand that online help is not the same as in-person help.

Tell us what we can do for you and we will do our best to do it.

Hello Culda.

Yes I do have a minister, and I was in therapy for depression before anyone was aware my daughter was so ill.

The 30 minute scheduled sessions once a week are not filling my needs right now.

I did have a long talk with my doctor yesterday. She seemed genuinely interested in ME and how I feel and prescribed another pill that is compatible with the proztac to help me sleep....thus rest, and I won't be so worn out at work.

.