First of all welcome to the group.

It sounds like it has been at least a couple of years since he passed away. With other issues you have, this must be weighing very heavy on you.

I lost my father last August, my sister and my mother passed away before him. Part of me was angry that dad and I never took that trip to visit his family before he passed. It would have been a 10 day car trip, or we could have broken it down to 2 shorter trips. There were other things we wanted to do.

But rather than be sad I realized that if a person passes away without any thing they were planning to do, then the only option is that they had already done all they wanted, and had just sat down doing nothing waiting to die.

I'm not trying to be gloomy, but I believe that we should always have things we want to do, words we want to say, and dreams we want to dream. Passing away without any of those is the sad thing. It is unfortunate that he passed away when there were more words unsaid than you wanted.

My local hospital has a grieving class that they offer, it is free. The counselor is good, not great, but she does care and she does lead us through the emotions associated with grieving. Perhaps your local hospital has a similar class.

Gentle hugs

Thank you. Yes, I knew he was getting sick, but there was nothing I could do. He didn't want me to see that. Eventually I stopped hearing from him. It took me a long time to feel like I was ready to find out if he passed. All that time not knowing gave me a sliver of hope, but deep down I knew it was a false hope.

Hi, I am sorry for your loss. One thing that might be helpful for you is to write him a letter and tell him all the things you feel were unsaid by you. The other is to set aside time each day to have a "conversation" with him - and say out loud whatever you feel you need to say to him. I am a widow, and I have done both of these things, and it was helpful to release those thoughts and emotions that way.

It is good you are working with a counselor through this as well. I had counseling, as did my sons, and it was a big help for us. I hope it helps you, too.

I read a number of grief books after my husband died, and the one that helped me the most was "Seven Choices - Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World" by Elizabeth Harper Neeld. You might find something like that helpful. It's been out awhile, so you may find it at your public library, along with other books on grieving, and I know it is available on Amazon and such. For people who are very private, sometimes reading books is a good step towards healing. I found Neeld's book to be like a gentle guide, and it was instrumental in me putting my life back together. Just a thought.

Most couples have unresolved issues when one partner passes. Intimate and intense relationships tend to have those. What I mean is that there are always things that are under discussion or even in dispute at any given time simply because the relationship is so close. No one really argues with strangers, do they? Unfortunately, it can also mean that those of us left behind will run everything through our heads over and over and over again and beat ourselves up for every little thing - and feel guilty about it. Don't fall into that trap. In grieving, guilt is the single most useless emotion you will experience. It serves no purpose and will only rob you of strength. Let it go if it hits you.

I hope this helps, and again I am sorry for your loss.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Thank you so much. I will definitely take your advice and check out that book also. I suppose you're right, there was always more to say, although towards the end we said less because it didn't even need saying.

Hi. How? Say those words to someone else. And focus on forming FRIENDSHIPS rather than romantic love.

Um, ty, but I already have enough friends. I'm pretty introverted, so I don't feel the need to have as much general social interaction as others might. It's just that losing my bf has left a hole in my heart.