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Question for some of you. I'm looking to see another viewpoint other than my own right now. This week is the 6 month anniversary of my boyfriends death. We had been together for 2 years and he died from alcoholism last March. It was one of the saddest things I've ever been through.
This Friday, his parents have decided to host a remembrance dinner with his siblings and some of his closest friends. We all suffered from his alcoholism and it was a battle for all of us and a very private time for some of us. This wasn't something I talked about freely because it was so painful towards the end.
Before we met, my boyfriend was in a long term relationship of 5 years with the girl who broke his heart. Well, I found out yesterday, that this girl has been invited to the dinner and my feelings are very hurt. She broke up with him 3 years ago and it makes me uncomfortable to have a meal with an ex-girlfriend. An ex-girlfriend who hadn't been involved in his life for quite some time. I was really looking forward to spending time with family and friends and remembering my boyfriend. But, now, I feel incredibly uncomfortable. She wasn't a part of his life while he was alive for the past 3 years. And, now that he is gone, she is included on something that was so important to me. I know that his parents are probably reaching out to the people who were close to him at one time, but I'm incredibly hurt. yet I know it wasn't done intentionally. I don't want to sit around a dinner table and share our favorite stories with her. I don't want to here about his relationship with her and I don't want to share information about mine. Can someone help me understand this from a different point of view? As of right now, I don't even want to attend this remembrance dinner. We are all grieving and I feel like this will be a setback for me.... Please. Any advice.
This Friday, his parents have decided to host a remembrance dinner with his siblings and some of his closest friends. We all suffered from his alcoholism and it was a battle for all of us and a very private time for some of us. This wasn't something I talked about freely because it was so painful towards the end.
Before we met, my boyfriend was in a long term relationship of 5 years with the girl who broke his heart. Well, I found out yesterday, that this girl has been invited to the dinner and my feelings are very hurt. She broke up with him 3 years ago and it makes me uncomfortable to have a meal with an ex-girlfriend. An ex-girlfriend who hadn't been involved in his life for quite some time. I was really looking forward to spending time with family and friends and remembering my boyfriend. But, now, I feel incredibly uncomfortable. She wasn't a part of his life while he was alive for the past 3 years. And, now that he is gone, she is included on something that was so important to me. I know that his parents are probably reaching out to the people who were close to him at one time, but I'm incredibly hurt. yet I know it wasn't done intentionally. I don't want to sit around a dinner table and share our favorite stories with her. I don't want to here about his relationship with her and I don't want to share information about mine. Can someone help me understand this from a different point of view? As of right now, I don't even want to attend this remembrance dinner. We are all grieving and I feel like this will be a setback for me.... Please. Any advice.
First, I am sorry for the loss of your boyfriend. I know how hard it is to lose someone so close. I hope you are coping a little better as each day passes.
As for the situation you've described... You need to do what YOU are comfortable with. While it's easier said than done, try not to think about how hurt your feelings are by the ex being invited. You have no control over it and it will do you no good to think and dwell on it. I am sure they did not invite her to hurt you, rather to be surrounded by people who were once close to their son. If you don't feel comfortable being in her presence, you don't have to go. In my opinion, she should not be going to this dinner. I would've hoped that she would realize how uncomfortable this would be for you and that she would respect you and the situation enough to stay home. By you not going, it doesn't mean that you love your boyfriend any less or that you don't care as much. I'll be totally honest... If I were in your situation, I wouldn't be going. I don't like being in uncomfortable situations and if I can avoid them, I do. Your boyfriend is still with you and he knows how much you love him and miss him. Not going to this remembrance dinner doesn't change that fact.
Good luck with your decision - either way you choose, you can't lose. Keep us posted. Wishing you more smiles than tears. Be well.
I can understand you not wanting to be sharing your memories.Talk to his parents about this line, I am sure it didn't help his issues with alcohol. Invite the Parents for dinner with you. Separate.
I can almost hear her 'Glamorizing" their relationship. or Being overly attention getting( Boo Hoo I'f I had stayed with him...this wouldn't have happened" Just plain catty stuff.
You are not to bame, but.. You might feel like you are being blamed since you were with him....
...Only because I seen it happen from my end in a form.
.
So talk with his parents, even give them a letter of what he shared, funny stories, caring stories, about his "Family, friends" and protect your heart. It's already fragile in this area.
I am sorry for this and your loss.
Unless you are on close terms with the ex-girlfriend who will be there mourning and remembering the loss of your boyfriend, and you feel that your presence is an absolute must, I can't see a reason to go. I believe it was a poor choice to have invited her.
If the bereaved have any class, they should understand your feelings and be grateful that you thought of it before any potential drama or scene occurred at their loved ones remembrance, which you don't want or need. That's their problem and not yours.
If you want to be comfort in remembrance to one of the survivors, there are other ways. By all means, call, visit them at home, or send them something from the florist.
Remember that you were present at the services after he died and that's sufficient. You don't have to continue when his family invites his ex-girlfriend.
And we all mourn in our own way and it's not necessary to detail or state how you mourn and for how long. Appearing at public remembrances is not a requirement to prove to anyone that you are still mourning.
I had been thinking of you this past weekend. Just curious as to whether you went to the remembrance dinner for your boyfriend. Whatever you chose, it was the right decision. Be well :)