Please be kind to yourself. I see your words as I also know loss. I do not know if it ever gets easier, but please do not let that darkness consume you. I lost my 3 best friends in an accident where they died in front of me, and I hated myself more than any could know. I lived in guilt, depression and despair. I even tried to end my life, But I believe somehow and some way that a glimmer of light I could still see and I slowly walked to that light and still am trying to walk to that light each and every day. Just look for that light and I believe somehow and some way, you will find it,

I'm so sad Joanne, that you had to go through that and desperately trying to save her to no avail. I'm sure 4 years feels still like yesterday. Many of us on this website are very well acquainted with grief, some of us process a little quicker, some slower, but each with our own story of survival.
Do you have any "outlets", like things or places you like to go that remind you of your mom? Special memories of a recipe you both liked to cook or a time of the year that brought smiles to your faces? Perhaps walking through some of those seasons and/or places to help you recover and let go inch by inch some of the grief that can tighten around us?
I use journaling, praying, sometimes I'll find myself talking out loud to my sister, who passed on 9 months ago. I talk like she's right there in the room with me. Sometimes you just need to get it out and off your chest to be able to move on, at least its that way with me. The point? Find your unique special way of processing while not holding it all in bottled up where it can hurt you even more. Find an outlet to "get it out". Grief support groups are great because you can talk openly and people "get it". I hope you find peace and give yourself a much needed break. We understand.

Thank you for reaching out an sharing. I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. It is so hard to lose a parent and it doesn't matter if it just happened or many years later. My prayers are with you. Many churches offer grief groups which help with loss. As for your depression and other physical pains. Have you seen a doctor? It is important that you take care of yourself.

I lost my mom seven years ago and my dad this December to Covid. Whenever I think of the special times with them, it brings comfort in my heart to know they are no longer in pain or suffering. I also treasure those memories.

I also struggle with anxiety and depression. What helps me is working on my thoughts and telling myself uplifting positive things. I also listen to uplifting music, like God Will Make a Way and pray. You will be in my prayers. Please continue to reach out; know you are not alone. We are here for you. Hugs and God Bless

Big hug for you Joanne.... I am so sorry for your loss and your pain.... I miss my mom terribly at times as well

I agree that a real life bereavement group or therapist might help you a great deal after Covid is over...

You could write your mom a letter and read it to her..... Another hug and a blessing... xo

How are you doing? I have been praying for you. Hugs

Thank you all so much for posting back to me with advice and information I've now got a appointment with my doctor wensday so I let you all know how it goes it means so much to me that there so many people who care out there thank you so much from the bottom of my heart ♥ all the best joanne x

Did you have your appt. today? How did it go? I continue to be praying for you. Hugs

Thank you caring 2018 and everyone else yes I did have my appointment they put me on anti depression meds and gave me some thing to help me sleep and I going to be haveing seeing a counsellor to talk about how I feel and blame myself plus going to be haveing many more visits from the mental health team as they are worried about my mental health and self harming thank God I have my boyfriend they asked him to keep a eye on me and give me my meds when I have to take them they also told him to lay off me till iam better as he wants a baby but I couldn't cope right now as iam haveing too many problems and can't even look after myself let alone a baby I've also been put on oxybutin for my bladder problems and being booked up at the hospital after but I will have to wait a bit due to COVID 19 I just wish this viris would go away it's so scary as soon as lockdown is over iam going to visit the grave and get flowers to lay there once again thank you so much everyone I will keep you posted

anne,
Just joined this group and was touched by your posts.
You are not alone in your feelings. I lost my mom almost 2 years ago and I was her caregiver, so I feel responsible for her death too.
It is good you are getting therapy because the emotions can really do a number on you. I now have PTSD, Agoraphobia and Anxiety Disorder.
So, take time to be patient with yourself and take care of YOURSELF.
My thoughts and prayers will be with you.

Thank you 4myhealth for your reply

I am so so sorry for your loss-I lost my mom too. It is hard and I am sorry you are experiencing so much stress and sadness. Have you considered starting a journal to sort and organize your thoughts and feelings? I have used my journal to help me work through my sadness as well. Please post back and let us know how you are doing. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

Momof2kids thanks for the great idea I may well give that a go iam getting by by taking one day at a time