Bereavement Support Group
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Three weeks ago my boyfriend suddenly passed away. We had been together almost 5 years and living together for the past year with his daughter and my son. We have had our struggles over the years but from very early on I absolutely adored his daughter and no matter what was going on with us he wanted to make sure I was still a part of her life because he knew how much we meant to each other. I consider her as if she was my daughter. She and my son are as much brother and sister as blood siblings. He is 4 years younger, but they are very close. She looks out for him at school and as his teacher puts it 'she hung the moon' in his eyes. After years of struggle with his ex-wife we finally got her full time in October. Even before then when it was suppose to be 50/50 she spent more time with us, either because her mom asked us to keep her for various reasons or because she just wanted to be. Since October she had spent a total of maybe 4 days at her mother. Each time she was suppose to be there for the whole weekend but would end up calling after a few hours wanting to come home. Our family was my entire world. As chaotic and exhausting as it could get I absolutely loved every minute of it. When my boyfriend passed away she was with her mother and has been ever since. I had a feeling that the moment she could find a reason to not let her see me she would take it. Everything seemed ok throughout the first week. Her mom and I were on good terms and had even been friends for a short period of time several years ago. But a week later she did exactly what I feared. She took a miscommunication between us, relying on her daughter to relay information to me when she should have been doing it herself, and used it to tell me to stay away. All the situation needed was a phone call to say hey we didn't want her to do that is all that was necessary. So now I have lost the love of my life and my daughter within a week of each other. My son and I are trying to find our new normal, but this house seems so empty and quiet. My son is handling things well. He misses them both, but especially his sister. He is not use to being the only kid in the house. Everything (at home or not) reminds me of them. Has anyone had anything similar happen, how did it end, and how did you cope with it?
Have you considered getting therapy for grief? And the same for your son?
If some person is the act of using this young girl to pass on information to you, and this information may cause additional confusion for the child (considering that she may need therapy in order to deal with the loss of her father) then, it may be better for you to move on and try to uphold the wishes of her mother, which to me seems that she would prefer that you not be involved at this point. You have to consider what's in the best interest of the child, and as you have feelings of her as your very own child, I think that you will realize that backing away and giving her time to find her own emotional strength and safety is really more satisfying in this matter.
You should check to see if your son can get counseling at school - my younger son received his grief counseling from his school psychologisy and his guidance counselor, and it was free. It also helped that his teachers knew what he was dealing with - they were very helpful in getting him additional support from his peers as well.
You may also want to consider joining us in the Widows & Widowers Group - it is fior anyone who has lost their spouse or partner. I am one of the Community Leaders for that group. Here is a link:
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Widows-Widowers/support-group
Hope this helps.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
You have explained your plans very well. It appears that you are attempting to uphold what is in the best interest of all of you and that is caring and fair. It would be so nice if life's lessons could be gained without suffering though. I have faith that all will become healthy, positive, especially where the children are involved. You are doing your best to make things right and that is all that can be expected at this time.
Oh, and thanks for bringing to light that part of your story that sheds more light on your future plans with your departed loved one. I have no doubt that he would be pleased with how you are handling the matter with courage. Best to you.