Everyone grieves differently. Sounds like you are still shock.

((((((((( Andelene )))))))))). You're numb right now. You'll cry, don't worry.

I urge you to find a certified grief counselor, especially one with experience in child loss. Your panic attacks are "normal"; your numbness is your subconscious mind protecting you from too much, too soon. There's medication for anxiety attacks, particularly Xanax and Klonipin. They are essentially the "same" drug except that Xanax (and the generic for these is very cheap) kicks in (as low as .25 MG) in about 15 minutes but has a shorter half life while Klonipin has no apparent immediate effect but a longer half life. I prefer the Xanax. So long as you limit yourself to the dose and number of times a day your Dr. prescribes, you're fine, don't worry about addiction. I've been taking Xanax for years, it saved my life in the past 2 years.

I can't wait for night time either. I sleep 12 hours a night. And don't even talk about the nightmares I have (OY the one I had last night was a doozy)! My psychiatrist just started me on an alpha blocker at bedtime to reduce the nightmares and make it easier to sleep.

My heart to yours, sister. Losing a precious daughter is the worst nightmare any woman can experience. You go to
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/formomsonly

For Moms Only right here on DS - you will find strength and comfort and love and will make many friends who care. God bless you, I will pray for you.

Andelene,
Grief is a long road and there are many twists and turns. Your crochet and computer games occupy your time. I played solitaire so much that somehow I was able to do it without thinking, almost subconsciously. Now it is hard for me to win a game.

They tell us the steps are denial, anger, etc... like it is 1,2,3 but each loss is extremely different. I admit I wait for night time too, but when it comes I fight it so I can sleep part of the day... I don't understand myself either, but I have learned many lessons from this painful, horrible loss.

Prayers and love,
Leda

It's been 6 months since I lost my father to a heart attack. He was in the hospital for a whole different reason but on that morning, they took me out of school and I cried that day for hours, I cried all 3 days of the funeral(2 funeral days and the last day was church and then he was cremated) and I cried on easter(my first holiday without my dad. Since then, I haven't cried. My therapist said its normal but crying would make me feel a lot better. It's just that I can't do it. I don't understand why but as everyone says, we all grieve differently and some of us are still in shock for months. If you do finally cry, trust me, you'll feel a lot better after words. Take care and be strong!

It hollows you out to the core, for sure.

Maybe you just had a different kind of relationship with your little angel, Colleen, than you did with your husband and your cousin.

Try to sleep deeply on it. Maybe you'll meet her in a dream! All is fixed in dreams.