Today it is 7 weeks that I lost my brad and the things that I am finding out about him makes me wonder if he was the person that i spent 12 and half years with.Why did Brad lie to me? Why was he pretending someone that he wasnt? Why all the lies? Is it because he was leading a double life....And my heart is broken.Well..I am doing very well thank you because I realize now that i have to go forward.I cant dwell on this and talk about it to the other s because it is bringing me down.I am in the process of looking for a part time job because Brad left me with limited funds.In fact,my name isnt on the insurance..there is no mention of me at all.And I am finding out when I meet some of his work mates...he never mentioned me at all.In fact...people were surprized that he had a girlfriend.Brad never talked about me at all.In fact,I never existed.Why? Why did he keep our relationship quiet? Why? Why was he deceiving people? Do I sound angry? You bet your sweet lips I am.Its at though I was being used for my paycheck.Men like Brad are a dime a dozxen now and it wont happen to me again.I refuse to get involve because every guy that I meet have children or grandchildren and I am not going to be a step mother.I have never wanted a family and my decision because of my bi polar has been wise.I refuse.As for me...I go out every day and i do things.i am singing again and doing things.I am back going to a few concerts and i realize this...Brad never loved me at all.I happen to be in the right place at the right time.On July 24th...there will be a mass and brad ashes will be laid to rest and this will be the last of Brad for me and forever..for I will be truly free and noone who has experienced a suicide should go through this horrible pain and people dont know what to say to me....when I told them Brad killed himself...there was silence...people dont know what to say.They are overwhelmed and they change the subject and you are left with a bigger hole then the one you started with.I have got a question..why Brad why? We had everything.We had 3 cats that loved all of us and we had a nice house..Not to mention a good neighborhood and we had it all.But I decided to move forward and I will say this...Hope is on the way.It has showed and it will has and will helpm me all of my life and thanks to alll and I will write again about more pleasnt subject.vader and the catd..kramer,little tooey and chelsea.