Bereavement Support Group
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Growing up and even in adulthood, Ive heard my dad use the phrase, trying times. It wasnt until recently that I understood what he meant. And I must say, the holiday break over Christmas and New Years was definitely trying times.
In the beginning of Decembera couple of weeks after ThanksgivingI learned through a FB posting that my mother had passed away. Then on Christmas Eve, I emailed my boss that I had to leave. I wasnt feeling good, and came down with a terribly high fever, which spread to my husband and children by Christmas morning. Neither one of my children wanted to even look at their Christmas presents.
Then on Saturday, December 26th I got my mothers death certificate in the mail. Im sure it came before Christmas day, but we didnt check the mail until after. I thought I would be better able to accept her passing if I knew what the cause of death was. As it turns out, reading the death certificate only raised more questions. The immediate cause of death was recorded as Sepsis, which was caused by a number of different things stemming from her diabetes and CHF.
I knew she had remarried, but to someone who I assumed was only using her to get his green card. He was named as her spouse on the death certificate. I still have not heard back from my aunt either. My mother and I didnt have a very good relationship, if you can even call what we had a relationship at all.
I keep going back to the last time she called me. It was in 2012, and at the time, I thought she was only calling because she had gotten herself into yet another jamb. All of my life, all I ever did was take care of her. It was like I was the parent, and she was the child. She couldnt much care for herself, let alone a child. I dont know how I even survived my childhood with her. My dad was always working to provide for the family, so he wasnt around much. So of course, by the time I became an adult, I had grown tired of continuously taking care of her. But I keep thinking about that phone call in 2012. What if she was calling to tell me that she was ill? From what I can understand of her death certificate, she had been suffering for years.
Since October 2015 I have been taking RCIA classes at our church. On Thursday, we will be resuming our regular class schedule. However, Im not sure if I even want to continue going. My husband told one of the ladies at church about my mothers passing. Im a little upset with him about it. I believe he was just trying to help, but it wasnt his place to tell anyone. He has never met my mother, nor did he ever speak with her. She didnt even know that I was remarried myself, and have children. Im trying to deal with all of this, on top of everything else going on (i.e. being a wife & mother, working full-time in a very demanding job, and attending religion conversion classes). Its not easy!
Today I walk into my office to find my desk cluttered with candies and a huge bouquet of white flowers. My first thought was that my boss or his fiance had a condolences bouquet sent over. His fiance knows that Ive been having a hard time lately. I later come to find out that its leftover decorations from a party a resident hosted for NYE. Then right after my boss got in, my phone alerted me to a new Google+ Assistant from photos of my daughter from 2 years ago. Of course, I took a minute to view it and reminisce about how much shes grown in the last two years. My boss tells me, Its time to focus on work; not on things from 2 years ago.
All of Decemberdespite everything that was happening in my personal lifeI have managed to get all of my work done and ensure that the residents were tended to in a timely, polite and professional manner. The long hours I was putting in came at a cost, though. I never took a real break all month long, nor did I take lunch. The few times I managed to grab a bite, I ended scarfing my food down. I feel like Ive been out of myself for quite some timesince learning about my mothers passing, anyway. I dont know what to do anymore. Im POed about everything, and still feel utterly guilty about not taking that phone call in 2012.
Sorry for the long postneeded to vent a little!
In the beginning of Decembera couple of weeks after ThanksgivingI learned through a FB posting that my mother had passed away. Then on Christmas Eve, I emailed my boss that I had to leave. I wasnt feeling good, and came down with a terribly high fever, which spread to my husband and children by Christmas morning. Neither one of my children wanted to even look at their Christmas presents.
Then on Saturday, December 26th I got my mothers death certificate in the mail. Im sure it came before Christmas day, but we didnt check the mail until after. I thought I would be better able to accept her passing if I knew what the cause of death was. As it turns out, reading the death certificate only raised more questions. The immediate cause of death was recorded as Sepsis, which was caused by a number of different things stemming from her diabetes and CHF.
I knew she had remarried, but to someone who I assumed was only using her to get his green card. He was named as her spouse on the death certificate. I still have not heard back from my aunt either. My mother and I didnt have a very good relationship, if you can even call what we had a relationship at all.
I keep going back to the last time she called me. It was in 2012, and at the time, I thought she was only calling because she had gotten herself into yet another jamb. All of my life, all I ever did was take care of her. It was like I was the parent, and she was the child. She couldnt much care for herself, let alone a child. I dont know how I even survived my childhood with her. My dad was always working to provide for the family, so he wasnt around much. So of course, by the time I became an adult, I had grown tired of continuously taking care of her. But I keep thinking about that phone call in 2012. What if she was calling to tell me that she was ill? From what I can understand of her death certificate, she had been suffering for years.
Since October 2015 I have been taking RCIA classes at our church. On Thursday, we will be resuming our regular class schedule. However, Im not sure if I even want to continue going. My husband told one of the ladies at church about my mothers passing. Im a little upset with him about it. I believe he was just trying to help, but it wasnt his place to tell anyone. He has never met my mother, nor did he ever speak with her. She didnt even know that I was remarried myself, and have children. Im trying to deal with all of this, on top of everything else going on (i.e. being a wife & mother, working full-time in a very demanding job, and attending religion conversion classes). Its not easy!
Today I walk into my office to find my desk cluttered with candies and a huge bouquet of white flowers. My first thought was that my boss or his fiance had a condolences bouquet sent over. His fiance knows that Ive been having a hard time lately. I later come to find out that its leftover decorations from a party a resident hosted for NYE. Then right after my boss got in, my phone alerted me to a new Google+ Assistant from photos of my daughter from 2 years ago. Of course, I took a minute to view it and reminisce about how much shes grown in the last two years. My boss tells me, Its time to focus on work; not on things from 2 years ago.
All of Decemberdespite everything that was happening in my personal lifeI have managed to get all of my work done and ensure that the residents were tended to in a timely, polite and professional manner. The long hours I was putting in came at a cost, though. I never took a real break all month long, nor did I take lunch. The few times I managed to grab a bite, I ended scarfing my food down. I feel like Ive been out of myself for quite some timesince learning about my mothers passing, anyway. I dont know what to do anymore. Im POed about everything, and still feel utterly guilty about not taking that phone call in 2012.
Sorry for the long postneeded to vent a little!
It sounds like you are morning both the loss of your mother, and the loss of the mother you wish you had. Perhaps grieve each of those separately for awhile before you grieve the combined loss?
Sometimes giving too much at a job for too long makes people expect it of you. Any chance you can talk to your boss and let her/him know just how time consuming your work has been?
Gentle hugs
I wish I knew what to do about guilt. I remember reading some article about understanding if you really were directly responsible or just feel that way. I wish I had the article, but it did make some good points. It's still very hard to let go of that guilt, at least for me because the result was my sister losing her life because I didn't act fast enough or have sense to just call an ambulance.
That is hard to forgive yourself for. I also can't bring myself to read her death certificate because I know she died of something that was caused because she was laying there so long with no help, and no thanks to us. Regardless of her heart problems, us waiting contributed to her death. How can you forgive yourself for that?
I'm sorry you had such crappy work experiences too. I think bad work days are worse because it's like you are book ended by a bad work day then go home and you're still dealing with your loss so there is no reprieve. We usually look forward to going home and relaxing. But now most of us can't even enjoy that.
The left over flowers was awful. Why would anyone do that? At least someone could have asked if you wanted the flowers just because they were pretty flowers and not leave them there like they were specifically ordered for you. What if you had just jumped up and thanked someone for the flowers? That would have been horrible. Ugh.
Oh and last but not least, your boss saying something about you looking at the pictures, that really cut deep because I've been there before, as in doing something for a split second and a hard ass boss coming by to say get back to work. The one time you take two seconds to do something they see it and try to make like you were sitting there 4 hours looking at pictures. It never fails. Oh and in my last job I can see an email suddenly going around to say "no looking at personal pictures during work hours"
And your grief makes it worse because you are falling apart in your world but everyone else has forgotten you are even still having a hard time (and don't care) so he just saw you looking at the pics as slacking off rather than you having a moment in your life that recently had a very heartbreaking change.
I'm glad you can come here to vent. It's very hard to find someone that gets it nowadays.
My vacation time since then has been used for moving, maternity leave, or not used at all. I thought it better to put in a written request to transfer last year's time to this year to cover our trip to my husband's country when he has to go for his Visa interview, which I hope will finally be this year.
And, hollowheart, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's hard to make the right decision, let alone even know what the right decision is sometimes.
I'm doing my best to hold it together. A few months ago, I was asked by a colleague about the relationship with my mother, since she never heard me speak about her. My dad drives me crazy most of the time, but we're still very close. Despite his hatred towards her, he has been the most open-minded person in my life about this. He asked me how I would feel if he told my grandmother about her passing, which I still don't think is a good idea. My grandmother (my father's mother) hated her more than my dad did. As for everyone else, I'm not sure they really understand. I never really spoke about her to anyone, so I guess everyone just assumes that we never got along. They never asked either.
At least I'm coming to terms with some days will be better than others. Hopefully with time I can learn to accept things. I spent so much of my childhood and adolescent years making sure she was taken care of and had food in the fridge. I have been wracking my brain trying to remember at least one good memory of her. I honestly don't remember anything. It's hard when the child has to be the grown-up.
Please don't focus on that phone call from 2012. There is an emotion associated with grieving that I call the "what if" dilemma. There are too many movies that suggest that if we can go back in time and change one thing, just one tiny thing, that it can have an enormous impact on how events turned out.
While it is true that there are events like that in our lives, for example, a chance meeting that led to getting married, most of our lives are shaped by a long history of events. For your mother and her health, it sounds like she had a very long history of poor medical and health events and decisions that led to her CHF. I doubt that one missed phone call from 3 or 4 years ago could have changed all that history.
Why does it bother you that people know about your mother's passing? To be honest, I do not understand the need to control who knows what about various people. (My wife's family is a bit like that.) Especially if it is mostly "public domain" information. Your grandmother, who you say did not like your mother at all, may welcome news of her passing as a way for her to finally let go of her anger at her former daughter in law.
How long are the RCIA classes? You may regret quitting now only to have to retake them again later. Can you talk to a priest about this? Let him know what is going on in your life. Let him know that you have a lot of anger, and frustration in your life. He may have some good advice for you. Perhaps you can finish the class, but get some therapy from the church before you make your final decision about joining the church or not.
You are not alone in this, it sounds like you have some very good people in your life who want to be there for you! Being open with them about stuff (like your mother) lets them get closer to you and will help them be more sympathetic to your needs. They may not have the answers you are seeking, but they will be able to provide a better network of support!
Continuing hugs
I don't know why it bothers me so much about people finding out about her death. It still feels too new and sudden to have people know. Although it has been 2 months since she passed, I guess I'm still in denial. I found out through FB. If my aunt can post the details of the funeral on her FB page, then she should be able to respond to my email. Unless she doesn't what to respond with....
My aunt has dealt with a lot of loss herself in the last five years. In 2010, my grandfather passed away. Then a couple of years ago, she lost her youngest son (my cousin) and who--I assume is a friend of the family--to cancer. Then in 2015, my mother (her sister) and her sister-in-law. I have been trying to put myself in her shoes to try and understand her position. Receiving an email from her estranged niece not long after she had the funeral for her sister? But regardless of how strained our relationship, SOMEONE from my mother's side of the family should've notified me.
Ever since my uncle was released from prison (he was convicted of manslaughter due to drunk driving when my cousins' were little), my aunt stopped sending birthday and Christmas cards. At the same time, I was going through a divorce.
I keep going back to that phone call because I made assumptions, rather than listening. I understand that it probably wouldn't have changed the outcome, but if she was calling to tell me herself that she was ill or in failing health, I could've at least been prepared for the inevitable or even had the chance to say goodbye to her, despite how our relationship was.
The phone call probably wouldn't have made any difference, you probably would have still felt how you were already feeling. I'm in the same boat as you in the "what if" game. It never goes away.
Do you think you don't want family to know about your mother because then people will start contacting you and you don't want to have to talk about it? I know there have been times when I don't want people to know something because then I have to discuss it or pretend to feel a certain way about it and I just don't want to be bothered.
With her passing people might expect you to feel a certain way, despite your relationship. I think people deserve to know that she passed. What do you think your grandmother will say? Are you worried she won't care or say something bad?
My father died from (my opinion) due to complications of his hip replacement surgery. The surgery "failed" and they had to go in later that day to fix it. He had 2 heart bypass operations in his life, and since his cause of death was heart failure, that had to be part of it.
There are several "what if"s I could dwell on: should I have fought against his hip surgery, should I have demanded that they either go back in immediately and fix things or let him come completely out of meds and then back in for the fix the next day, should I have pushed him for years to lose weight, should I should I should I.
I think that we all play the "what if" game in our head. But I doubt that anything positive has eve come of it, other than getting it out of our system.
Continuing hugs.
I could have fought my father on the decision to have the hip replacement surgery. But he was of sound mind, and he had several friends who had the same thing done. He would have resented me for the rest of his life if I had done that.
The weight loss thing, yea, I'll give you that one.
Would it have mattered if he had the second surgery immediately after it was discovered that he needed it? Or the next day??? I'll never know, and I see no point in getting to the bottom of it.
One HUGE thing about the "what if" thing is that we can not go back in time and change any of those decisions. So why go down that path? What good comes from it? At best we will be proven wrong (ie, our what if was incorrect), and at worst we will be proven correct, and then we will spend the rest of our life trying to get over things?
My circumstances are just so awful I can't get over it. Her absence and death haunts me. To just have her gone is just to much for me to deal with I think, and I dont' know what else to do obsess over her how I could have saved her, even though I can do nothing about it now.
I might bring it up to my therapist again because we sorta talked about it but I felt like she sorta left it up to me to work that out on my own, but I can't do it.
Beeyore, how are you doing?
Maybe I will feel a little calmer once I go to my class tonight. I was preparing my bag last night, and I realized that I had a month to catch up on the reading assignments. I started getting a little angry with myself because I procrastinated. Then I remembered something a co-worker told me, "Don't beat yourself up over the little things." For a brief moment, I thought again about just putting the whole conversion thing on hold.
She's probably right in that I've been taking on too much, especially right now. But I do know that if I decide to continue with my classes, I will regret not going tonight, despite not having the readings completed.
I agree with both of you on the "what if" thing. But I do believe that with time, the whole "what if" thing becomes easier to accept. In the beginning is when it is and has been the most difficult. I went through the same sort of mentality prior to my divorce being finalized. But once all was said and done with that, my life was much better.