So tomorrow (the 17th) makes the second birthday i will be spending without my dad.  Without him calling me and singing happy birthday in a silly voice.  Oh how i wish I had recorded it somehow.

I tried to find myself something for myself, but everything fell short.  Nothing was good enough.  All that will ever be good enough is my dad, he he is no longer here.  I thought I would feel a little better after a year, but I still feel as horrible, and filled with hate that i did the day it happened. It has been a little over a year, and i still scream and get mad at all of the people i blame.

I am trying to let go, but every holiday or event that he should be at, makes it so hard.  I am sick of people saying they are sorry and asking if I am okay.  As bitchy as it may seem, sorry means nothing when you have lost someone so important to you, and no I am not okay, I don't think I ever will be. 

I know tomorrow will be a day of forced smiles, and fake energy when all I will want to do is stay in bed, cry and sleep.

I know that dad wouldn't want me to do this, so please don't make those comments, but it is not that easy.  He was my dad, when my real dad disowned me.  He was my dad when I felt like no one loved me.  He was the one that told me it was okay to be me when everyone told me i sucked.  He told me my voice was amazing when everyone else told me to shut up.  He told me he loved me more than anything, when we ran into biological father who acted like i didn't exist.

Daddy was the only person who treated me like i wasn't just some little girl who couldn't do anything.  He taught me so much that everyone else was perfectly fine with only teaching my brothers.

I miss him so much, and am bawling my eyes out as I write this.  It's nights like this when i wish i didn't work alone, because i have no one to talk to, and it only gets worse....