Bedwetting Support Group
Bedwetting (or nocturnal enuresis or sleepwetting) is involuntary urination while asleep. It is the normal state of affairs in infancy, but can be a source of embarrassment when it persists into school age or the teen or adult years. Find others who are coping with a bedwetting problem and share your experiences and questions.
Hi everyone... many of you probably remember me... I used to be a pretty regular contributor here for a long time before I kind of disappeared a few months ago... during that time I've been doing a lot of thinking about DS (and other sites like it), what parts were good for me, and what parts were not so good. I posted it in my journal, but I also thought I'd post it here in case any of you might be interested in reading or commenting on it. It's written in general terms but I think it should be pretty obvious how a lot of the topics relate to bedwetting (which, as most of you know, was my main reason for coming to DS in the first place). Anyway, hope you enjoy...
"The Good and the Bad of DS"
So I'm back into the world of online support after some much needed time away. One of the biggest problems I've seen with it, in myself and others (not mentioning any names!), is that once you get going and start pouring out all your struggles in a place like this, it can very easily become all-consuming and start sucking time and energy away from all the other areas of your life. Being away for a few months was GREAT for me in that it set me free to spend much less time online, and therefore much more time doing things in my life that are more important. Now, I'm realizing that DS still has (and has always had) some good things to offer for me... so we'll see if I can do a better job of using it in moderation this time. :)
Just a couple of thoughts on some of both the good and the bad of finding support on sites like this...
ANONYMITY is good... and also bad. It's good because it sets you free to open up about things you could never be open about in "real life"... and to find others who share your struggles that might be too embarrassiing for you to talk about face to face. The bad part of this is that it also gives you the ability to be a little TOO open... meaning to dump a bunch of intimate personal information on a complete stranger, often before any kind of meaningful friendship or even acquaintance is established. This can lead to awkwardness at best, and seriously uncomfortable (or downright inappropriate) situations at worst.
In particular, I really wish that there were a blanket ban on "dating" relationships or propositions on sites like this. It really makes me uncomfortable to see umpteen profiles saying things like "I'm a single guy with xxxx problem, looking to meet a woman with the same problem." If I were female, I don't think I could stand it (oddly enough, it doesn't seem to happen very often the other way around!) I'm sure there will be one or two "success stories" where people have actually met online, hooked up in real life, and gotten together and remained happy. But for every one story like that, there have to be at least a thousand cases of inappropriate "advances" of the kind that make my stomach turn... so much that I know of several women who have stopped coming to places like this because they are sick of guys hitting on them all the time. Really... I get that it is hard to find a romantic relationship when you have a difficult "secret" personal issue (I know, I did not date until I was 27 years old because of some issues in my life!) but combining dating and support, in my experience, just does not work -- and actually prevents many people from being able to share as freely as they should.
BEING ABLE TO SHARE "EMBARRASSING" INFORMATION of a personal nature is a good thing... and can also be bad, in that once you get started, it can be difficult to stop. I remember it being such a relief when I first came online and found out that many other people like me (college-age males, at the time) struggled with the same embarrassing condition that I did, when I had been sure that I was the only one, was some sort of freak, etc. The problem was that, once I got started talking about it... it just seemed like getting it out there was never enough... I had to keep talking, and talking, and talking... about the same things, over and over and over again. For a long time I didn't even realize how off-putting this was to others until I came to notice others doing exactly the same thing with me... which caused me to re-examine my own behavior.
With any kind of difficult personal struggle, it's easy to lapse into a "woe is me" mentality where you love to talk about how much your life sucks because of the problem... and to commiserate with others who have the same frustrations. The problem is, I don't want my life to suck -- I want to get the most out of my life in spite of whatever problems I have. So when I get into a chat with someone who just keeps on saying "My life sucks because..." and just REFUSES to hear you say anything at all of a positive nature to help them see the bright side of things... that is really frustrating and depressing for me. If you want to vent a little about how much you think your life sucks, fine, but if you really refuse to see any bright side of things, don't drag me down with you! I'm not blaming anyone for this because I know I used to fall into exactly that pattern way too often. But it's worth remembering that they call this Daily STRENGTH for a reason... you're supposed to get positive strength and energy to face the day, not get into endless conversations about how miserable you are and how nothing anyone can do can ever make it better.
MAKING ONLINE FRIENDS is good... a tremendous blessing, really (and I will be the first to say I have made some GREAT friends here!)... but it can also lead to some bad things, if you allow your online friends to become a substitute for "real-life" friends, or if you expect them to fill some sort of void in your life that your real-life friends are currently lacking. Attaching that sort of expectation to an online friendship is not fair to your online friend or to yourself. Nothing against any of my online friends -- as I said, I have some excellent ones here! -- but an online friendship is just not the same as a friendship where you can actually see and spend time with a person face to face. Because of the anonymity and distance of online friendships -- the very things that make it easier to "break the ice" and form the friendship in the first place -- online friendships simply can never develop the same level of trust, intimacy, and depth of support that only real-life friendships can provide.
An important reality to remember about online friendships is that until you have actually met a person face to face... you can never be 100% sure that they actually are who you think they are. I have found this out the hard way too many times to list... although thankfully nothing that ever developed into a serious crisis, because I have always taken enough precautions to keep my identity and location a secret from online contacts. Still, it can be pretty disheartening to have poured out yout heart and soul to a person who you thought was a peer of your own age in similar circumstances... and then to find out that they are actually many years older, or younger, or a different gender or profession, than what you thought they were.
That's not a complete list by any means but it is some of my reflections during my time away from DS (and other forms of online support). If you've read this far, I hope it was thought-provoking for you, and I would love to hear your comments (pro or con) on anything I've written here, or on any of your own experiences with online support in general that I haven't covered here. Thanks for reading, and stay strong!! :)
"The Good and the Bad of DS"
So I'm back into the world of online support after some much needed time away. One of the biggest problems I've seen with it, in myself and others (not mentioning any names!), is that once you get going and start pouring out all your struggles in a place like this, it can very easily become all-consuming and start sucking time and energy away from all the other areas of your life. Being away for a few months was GREAT for me in that it set me free to spend much less time online, and therefore much more time doing things in my life that are more important. Now, I'm realizing that DS still has (and has always had) some good things to offer for me... so we'll see if I can do a better job of using it in moderation this time. :)
Just a couple of thoughts on some of both the good and the bad of finding support on sites like this...
ANONYMITY is good... and also bad. It's good because it sets you free to open up about things you could never be open about in "real life"... and to find others who share your struggles that might be too embarrassiing for you to talk about face to face. The bad part of this is that it also gives you the ability to be a little TOO open... meaning to dump a bunch of intimate personal information on a complete stranger, often before any kind of meaningful friendship or even acquaintance is established. This can lead to awkwardness at best, and seriously uncomfortable (or downright inappropriate) situations at worst.
In particular, I really wish that there were a blanket ban on "dating" relationships or propositions on sites like this. It really makes me uncomfortable to see umpteen profiles saying things like "I'm a single guy with xxxx problem, looking to meet a woman with the same problem." If I were female, I don't think I could stand it (oddly enough, it doesn't seem to happen very often the other way around!) I'm sure there will be one or two "success stories" where people have actually met online, hooked up in real life, and gotten together and remained happy. But for every one story like that, there have to be at least a thousand cases of inappropriate "advances" of the kind that make my stomach turn... so much that I know of several women who have stopped coming to places like this because they are sick of guys hitting on them all the time. Really... I get that it is hard to find a romantic relationship when you have a difficult "secret" personal issue (I know, I did not date until I was 27 years old because of some issues in my life!) but combining dating and support, in my experience, just does not work -- and actually prevents many people from being able to share as freely as they should.
BEING ABLE TO SHARE "EMBARRASSING" INFORMATION of a personal nature is a good thing... and can also be bad, in that once you get started, it can be difficult to stop. I remember it being such a relief when I first came online and found out that many other people like me (college-age males, at the time) struggled with the same embarrassing condition that I did, when I had been sure that I was the only one, was some sort of freak, etc. The problem was that, once I got started talking about it... it just seemed like getting it out there was never enough... I had to keep talking, and talking, and talking... about the same things, over and over and over again. For a long time I didn't even realize how off-putting this was to others until I came to notice others doing exactly the same thing with me... which caused me to re-examine my own behavior.
With any kind of difficult personal struggle, it's easy to lapse into a "woe is me" mentality where you love to talk about how much your life sucks because of the problem... and to commiserate with others who have the same frustrations. The problem is, I don't want my life to suck -- I want to get the most out of my life in spite of whatever problems I have. So when I get into a chat with someone who just keeps on saying "My life sucks because..." and just REFUSES to hear you say anything at all of a positive nature to help them see the bright side of things... that is really frustrating and depressing for me. If you want to vent a little about how much you think your life sucks, fine, but if you really refuse to see any bright side of things, don't drag me down with you! I'm not blaming anyone for this because I know I used to fall into exactly that pattern way too often. But it's worth remembering that they call this Daily STRENGTH for a reason... you're supposed to get positive strength and energy to face the day, not get into endless conversations about how miserable you are and how nothing anyone can do can ever make it better.
MAKING ONLINE FRIENDS is good... a tremendous blessing, really (and I will be the first to say I have made some GREAT friends here!)... but it can also lead to some bad things, if you allow your online friends to become a substitute for "real-life" friends, or if you expect them to fill some sort of void in your life that your real-life friends are currently lacking. Attaching that sort of expectation to an online friendship is not fair to your online friend or to yourself. Nothing against any of my online friends -- as I said, I have some excellent ones here! -- but an online friendship is just not the same as a friendship where you can actually see and spend time with a person face to face. Because of the anonymity and distance of online friendships -- the very things that make it easier to "break the ice" and form the friendship in the first place -- online friendships simply can never develop the same level of trust, intimacy, and depth of support that only real-life friendships can provide.
An important reality to remember about online friendships is that until you have actually met a person face to face... you can never be 100% sure that they actually are who you think they are. I have found this out the hard way too many times to list... although thankfully nothing that ever developed into a serious crisis, because I have always taken enough precautions to keep my identity and location a secret from online contacts. Still, it can be pretty disheartening to have poured out yout heart and soul to a person who you thought was a peer of your own age in similar circumstances... and then to find out that they are actually many years older, or younger, or a different gender or profession, than what you thought they were.
That's not a complete list by any means but it is some of my reflections during my time away from DS (and other forms of online support). If you've read this far, I hope it was thought-provoking for you, and I would love to hear your comments (pro or con) on anything I've written here, or on any of your own experiences with online support in general that I haven't covered here. Thanks for reading, and stay strong!! :)
I too find it incredibly sad that, not just here, but on virtually every bedwetting support site that has ever been created online, the "support" function has quickly been lost to individuals who are fixated only on diapers, and there is no place for those genuine bedwetters who do not wish to use diapers, or those who wish to stop using diapers, to find genuine support for their goals and plans. I will say that I think DS's Bedwetting page has been somewhat better in that respect than most other pages I have visited. However, that is not so much a credit to DS's page as a statement of how sad the overall situation is for people who look online to find genuine support for bedwetting.
I would echo MJinMN's plea to all those for whom diapers are the only subject of conversation you wish to have -- go to one of the many dozens of diaper websites that are available. Leave this site to the parents, children, and young adults who are hoping to STOP wetting and STOP needing to wear diapers. That is unquestionably what it was created for.
I think part of the problem is simply a lack of understanding that what one person decides is the best solution for them is not necessarily the best solution for everyone. I often read comments here like "I couldn't imagine what life would be like without diapers anymore" or "diapers make things so much easier for me than they used to be". Which is all well and good for the person making the statement -- but that does not mean that the same sentiments will be shared by everyone. Too often it degenerates into negative comments (e.g. "Why would you not wear a diaper and wake up in a cold smelly puddle? That's just gross"... etc.). Ironically, comments like that display the very kind of insensitivity that those who use diapers find upsetting when they are on the receiving end of it.
I am not offended if anyone chooses to use diapers to manage their bedwetting, regardless of their circumstances -- I think it is entirely a matter of personal choice. What bothers me is that some of those who do use (and in some cases enjoy) diapers seem to be personally offended by the fact that I choose not to do so. It is one thing to enjoy your own use of diapers (although again, that is not really the purpose of this group)... but it is another thing to act like others MUST share your enjoyment of diapers in order to cope with their situation correctly. That sort of behavior is what I see going on way too much here, and virtually everywhere else that discusses bedwetting. And it does drive a lot of people away. It doesn't have to be "borderline pedophilia", or even a genuine Diaper Lover. It simply is a lack of respect for the choice of others not to use diapers, just as you wish them to respect your choice to use diapers.
That's what I think the real problem is that MJinMN and I are getting at here -- lack of respect for the choices of others. Again, I welcome ANY constructive feedback to this, from any perspective.