... so I am 28, i never had any major language delays, not in comparison to my little sister who didn't learn how to speak till she was 9, but I had pretty much all the other problems...

My family was kind of fucked up my first couple years of life, so when i started in kindergarten the school was not warned that i was a bit special, and put me on the bus with the regular kids for awhile, till i wondered off and got lost. o_o i have trouble recognizing people, and I zone out. the kindergarteners were given much older "bus buddies" but my buddy proved not attentive enough cuz well, in line i zoned out, walked without thinking or processing, came to, looked around, recognized no one and nothing and walked around lost for awhile till my buddy found me, this happened a few times, the last time the buddy didnt find me in good enough time and was found out. Then they put me on the short bus with 2 other students, and had a teacher aid walk me to the bus.

They didn't bother doing any evaluation on me though, but they did still put me in special ed, extra help, along with the short bus =3

grade 3 they finally gave me a formal evaluation, the psychiatrist said I showed little to no expression. blank look, monotone voice. and very bad attention. she noted that she had to keep making sure i was not only just looking at her, but interactive and responsive. kept mind wandering off.

she, teachers and parents noted my rocking habits, and hair pulling habits.

as for the academic part, i got the answers right, but it took me a hell of a long time getting there. particular strength in math, very poor spelling and other communication. I showed above average intelligence in some areas, and well below in others. range went from 15 to 80 percentile. (80 one was visual, i have always been a bit of an artist, or rather artistic mind i like to say)

she came to the conclusion after the data part of it that i had some sort of processing disorder, and an attention disorder.

when the psychiatrist was done interviewing me she said "well i had a lot of questions for you, do you have any for me?" and mine was well... i dont get to ask questions a lot, i am way too shy and dont want to ask them afraid that i should already know it and I will get called stupid for it. so i asked something that had been bugging me. "if you get cut and need stitches, but wait a long time to get them, is it too late?" and the psychiatrist interpreted that as me being sensitive and concerned about my surroundings.

my mom had gotten a divorce, we had moved multiple times, and my mom described me as being very sensitive and emotional.

so the parting end said that i had a processing disorder and an attention disorder, but the lagging of academics probably had more to do with my home situation and was not worth diagnosing exactly what unless it persisted or got worse.

I managed to get much much better for awhile.

Then 8th grade hit and i had a huge bully problem, which affected my grades terribly. (physically, not emotionally, though that could have been too. ... they destroyed my projects at school and stole my calculators before math/science tests and the teacher was an ASSHOLE who wouldn't loan me on or make concessions. so even the easy ones i was not able to get, because they needed a calculater. example: cosign of 80. ... simple to punch into a calculator. getting it without? not so much.

so... that didn't help me any. so they gave me another eval.

They wanted me to be diagnosed with ADHD so they could put me on ritatlin. The results were a rating of 0 hyperactivity on 2 reports (parent and teacher filled out a survery thingy about me) and 7 and 8 for the attention problem one.

results, i had a huge attention problem, but NOTHING for hyper activity. they could not get an adhd diagnosis from the school psychiatrist. so the school sent my parents to one outside of the school. this new guy did not even TALK to me. Like we didn't even exchange hellos. he talked to my parents for a little while, gave me a check up, then gave me an ADHD diagnosis. .... WHAT THE FUCK!

WITH RITALIN

and i had to take it. =/ such an incredible BS diagnosis. Crazy. Insane.

All the while i was trying to prove to everyone that i was normal, not stupid or retarded (my stepdad's words not mine, as i said my homelife was... not fun, and very fucked up.)

... okay home story is becoming more relevant. as said i used to rock and pull my hair. and generally act oddly... and way WAY out of it. my stepdad made fun of me for being stupid/retarded all the time, and if I DARED to say "no i'm not" I was hit for "talking back". ... so i got it in my head early, that i was a fucking stupid retarded kid on the short bus, and that was unforgivable, made me unloveable. my mom hated me (weird family thing, she hated me but it wasn't my fault, it was my dad's fault, and she was sorry but she still hated me. she isnt a bad person just very... not sane), my dad used to love me but was gone and left me with mom and stepdad, and stepdad was hated beyond belief. I wanted him DEAD, i tried to poison him when i was 10 by using a toxic marker at the bottom of a cup and putting pop in it and giving it to him. I thought the acid in the pop would erode the toxic ink and poison him... >_>;

my parents are both academics, and taught me the most important things wasn't being pretty but what was in your head. being stupid? not attractive. undesirable. So I couldn't let anyone know that i had trouble, ever. being stupid was my deep dark secret. I couldn't let someone diagnose me with an LD of any kind, that means admitting being defective, retarded, stupid. That would give my stepdad, a paper, black and white PROOF that everything he said was true and I couldn't have that. So I tried, like all hell, to be normal, to do well in school, and when something bad happened i would be ashamed to tell anyone, to admit weakness.

So... when highschool came I fought like hell for them to take me out of sped. Lucky me highschool is when people have to fight to get INTO special ed. so i got out of it. =D and i managed to do much much better on the social front as well!


Now though, I am 28, and much wiser and secure. Self esteem right up there, and happy as hell. Stepdad long gone for the most part (he is my little bro's dad so i have to see him occasionally for him), and mom is limited. Moved out into my own little basement apartment. =]

Anyhow. When i moved i took my important documents with me. Including the old diagnostic papers I told you about above. Learning that i had an undiagnosed disorder, really really bugged me, I wanted to figure out what it was. So... I went on a search. looked up a lot of stuff, found similarities to a lot, but none seemed to really fit.

The closest one to me looked like autism, but the stigma of it grated on me, my past, etc. also certain things in the info i was using didn't fit, so i dropped it. For years.


Then, a friend who has high functioning autism, got to talking, and we had a ton in common, he suggested i might have it too that they are more symptoms in autism, when i listed the info i had read about that made me think i did not have it, he explained autism further, corrected the old myths, and explained some of the things I had told him about.

Like... how white drove me batty. My stepdad used to put me in the white kitchen, on the white kitchen table, and expect me to do my homework while my mom helped my sister at the dining room table. (she didn;t like me so it had to be him). and the white drove me insane... like i couldn't read the paper, i would try reading what i was supposed to do over and over again but the words wouldn't process, and my head... I can't even explain it. it was just really really hard, I would rock and then my stepdad would hit me/make fun of me for acting retarded, because of it. so I stopped, and started pulling out my hair, and digging my nails into my arms instead (not scratching, just indenting digging). The pain helped. was better than the other feeling. hate white, white sucks, i hate pastels too cuz they have white in them. Especially pink. because you cant even get pink without white. White drives me BATTY! Blech!

... anyhow. my friend was like that sounds like a sensory problem, something common in autism.

and he also explained my anti touch thing (which i had previously explained to myself as a problem with my homelife, which makes sense, i would get hit a lot out of nowhere, so when a hand comes near my head or i feel a light brush I duck).

... I am good for hugs and cuddles for the most part though. but only for awhile. I am like a cat, okay for a bit, then it is like get the fuck away from me! >=O

and then there is the touch panic. Every now and then i get touch panic, someone touches me and i HAVE to get away from it. best way to describe it is a hot pan on the burner, you brush up against it but before you burn your brain sends a signal to get the FUCK away NOW before you get burned. You never feel the burn, or the heat, cuz you got away in time. but it is that knee jerk pan burn instinct reaction to get the fuck away. only there is no hot pain or anything... just a light touch.

he also explained this as sensory problem.

OH and dry rough things, i can't stand touching things like that. like dry dirt (but i love mud, just not dry), or sand, or sand paper. to the point i cant even watch people touch it. or the beach, the sand stuck to bare feet... gives me the heeby jeebies... just seeing someone with it, i can imagine it on my own skin, how it feels, and its like... D= AHHHHH!!!! T_T i do not like sand. must wash hands, and apply moisturizer. no dryness bleh. just thinking about it i can feel it T_T

I was like well.... i read that people with autism do not have empathy, and I have too much of it.. I can't even dare to watch people take out cookies from the oven because i am horrified they might burn themselves. and growing up i always had issues of being oversensitive and emotional.

he explained that was old info, and recent findings show the opposite, and gave me some reading material on it. the material, on reading it, i was just like yes yes so me! it fit.

Last problem. Meltdowns. I do not throw tantrums, I am incapable of it. Hell i can't even hit a pillow even when i am not mad. For some reason it feels very very odd extending your arm and applying quick pressure. ...I cant do it. Even in a fight, getting my ass kicked, i can't fight back because i can't punch. its like there is something in my brain that shorts me out if i try.

and when i get emotional i shut down. I find it a lot harder to do... anything. i get a lot more clumsy, disconnected, from my own body. its like... trying to control a marionette. or playing a new videogame you haven't quite learned the controls for yet. awkward. hard to move, takes more concentration and will. Talking becomes a lot harder too, varying from stuttering to not being able to talk at all. other times i try to talk, and i end up breaking down and hyperventilating, but sometimes i just plain can't form words.

... and then i find out, that there is another form of a meltdown, called a shutdown. ... exact kind of wording i used to describe it. and I am like "wow" O_O


so i have just been doing more and more research, and more and more things just... fit. Things I had no explanations to before or didn't even imagine being caused by something have an explanation, a reason. It is like wow the world, my world, finally makes sense. my mind is blown. I am 100% sure i have autism or aspergers, everything just fits so well with it, and it doesn't make me feel less/retarded for having it. intstead it just explains why things are the way they are, and it has nothing to do with a lack of intelligence or retardation.

So, now i am going to try and go through the process of getting formally diagnosed, but my previous evaluations show clear signs, especially the 3rd grade one.

Even if I don't get it, i know it, i know it is true. Nothing has ever felt more right or amazing. my life is changed having actual knowledge of myself has helped immeasurably.