To clarify since my phone won't allow me to edit the post(it always hits next to the arrow button) what I meant by "bad experiences" was being forced to open up to strangers and mold myself to be as '' normal" and "relatable" as possible by a very cult like school environment that did not tolerate people not trying to be popular or have lots of friends(the teachers were equally on board, as well as administration staff, and they had lots of ways to make you pay if you didn't do it. And no matter how many red flags were being raised that something was going very wrong they would always try to convince you that that was normal and how things should be, so you should just push yourself more if you find anything is making you uncomfortable. Even though my education prospects looked great before that I had to drop out before finishing(it was a high school) and now get panic attacks from any education like environments(so it doesn't matter how different the environment, I just never will be able to go through education anymore because of really bad flashbacks and panic attacks) and interacting with strangers often does the same thing especially if they ever mention pop culture. It was something I had to learn a lot about to survive in that toxic environment even though before I hadn't cared much for most of it, so for me it tends to be the greatest trigger that puts me right back there. It makes surviving in general difficult, as it can be quite impossible to avoid the things I need to avoid.

Hi DCMe, You've probably heard a lot of what I'm about to say, but I hope you'll take time to really consider...We've ALL been there, where you're at in your life right now. First, from a developmental standpoint, girls mature sooner, and faster, than boys. But both go through hormonal changes that temporarily turn the sanest NT person a little "off-balance" (if you know what I mean). Couple that with PTSD (I got mine from my parents fighting with each other), it makes the teen years incredibly challenging. There's the social cliques, of which girls have it especially tough, and demanding, inflexible adults who can't seem to 'cut any slack' to allow for people's uniqueness. You're in, what are dubbed, the 'formative years'. Not knowing the caliber of your parents, I can only relate my own experience. My parents never should have gotten married, let alone ever produce offspring yet, here I am. I decided at about 17, when it was clear they weren't good at raising me, that "I would have to raise myself...be mine own parent". This was very empowering, but also a great relief, as if having found a viable solution. Problem was, I may have done a better job, but was far from perfect (a bit too lenient). After about 10 years of frustrations that included over 40 jobs lost, a failed 2 year marriage and substance abuse, I decided to ask God to raise me. That was 36 years ago, and I've been happy nearly every single day. Not some delusional denial of life's "negatives", but real intrinsic happiness. We talk every day, all day. I follow His advice and guidance to the letter. I never remarried, or got rich, but I'll let God 'put me where' and 'give me what' He knows will please me. I'm not trying to "convert" you, its just to let you know there's good paths to find and pursue. And, what the hell, you might even enjoy the journey!

BTW DCMe, why does your "About Me" page show an age of 13, while a posting by you on a different group said your age was 19?

Hi DGMe, so sorry things are so rough right now, it sounds like some of the things you've been through were just horrible.

It's really hard, not to mention very unfair, to be forced to behave in a way that "isn't you".

As far as some of your questions...... no one really knows the future, and there is help available for some of the things you are worried about (like the panic attacks).

My bad experiences started young, even before school. Then when I was bullied in grade school and adult said, "maybe they're teasing you to let you know you're part of the group"....yeah, they meant well, but they were really wrong. Anyway, it was a very isolating experience, but not all people are like undisciplined children or in over their head adults. I have actually met some nice people over the years.

So, don't give up hope because of 19 or 20 difficult years. Your worst fears don't need to come true. You can get a counselor and get desensitized to situations that you currently dread.
Also, just because the school staff or your parents were not understanding that does not mean no one else will be. May you meet some kind supportive people soon.

Peace and strength.
Beryl