Please, please, please, know that you matter and that there are people that care and understand what you're going through. Please call 1-800-273-8255. It is the National Suicide Prevention hotline. They can refer you to a crisis clinic in your area . It helps to talk to a non- biased third party. As tough as things seem right now, things can get better. Your insurance is coming through and that is great. Call the closest hospital and ask them to a refer you to a cardiologist or EP. Even though you don't know me, I do care. Things really can get better. I am praying for you.

Thanks for the prayers. I don't call anyone or anything. I don't go out because I'm afraid to go by myself with a baby. I did have a girl coming in and helping with him. I was finally feeling better. My family criticized me for it.
I don't understand why they are so mean. I've always been there for everyone. Through thick and thin, and now that it's my turn, they've all abandoned ship on me.
There's no way I can go to a clinic, they would ostracize me for it. Or whatever the word is. I try not to talk too much or do the wrong things just to avoid getting into trouble. I just play it safe most of the time and stay in my own little world. It's just hard sometimes.

Taking the first step is always the hardest thing to do. You need some kind of a support system. Are there any friends, relatives, neighbors, ministers that you can reach out to? Your baby needs you and needs you to be the healthiest mom that you can be. Can you at least see a cardiologist? Maybe just having your meds adjusted and or changed will help you to feel better. I know that you are scared and I am hoping and praying for your sake as well as your baby's that you find the courage to get the help that you need and deserve.

First of all Jill, read the post below... this post was from December. The person gives great advice and I think knows you well:

"In my panic I trolled around the net when I could stop shaking enough. Somehow, after a few days this just was in front of me, and getting those "hugs" helped. I know, it's cheesy and all, but I felt that there was some genuine help and kind words for me in my time of stress.
I'm still not over it all yet, but trust that as time goes on I will feel better.
I am working hard at the stress too as others are.
I also feel that no matter how dumb I sound you all will correct me in a nice way. LOL!
jill"

Next... take your depression seriously... winning the lottery doesn't make depressed people feel better.

Last: Use the people here, not your family, for your support as they don't get it like you do. Let your feelings out. I have a tendency to repress feelings. I just wrote a blog about watching movies that have meaning as far as people and relationships are concerned and how they make me think about things other than afib.

Another topic was how friends and family react to our afib and why they don't react well. Read them.

Priority number 1 is getting depression help though. Your baby needs you. So does the group.

You really need to find a good primary care doctor who can deal with all your health issues. It's possible that some of the medications you are on for the afib could be causing or contributing to the depression. I know when you have several issues going on it can be over-whelming to know where to go for help. If you have a primary care doctor he can evaluate all your concerns and refer you to the right place for help.

My mother recently went through a severe depression to the point where she attempted to take her own life and we had to place her in a psyciatric hospital for emergency treatment. I can tell you that your baby NEEDS you to get the help you need.

There is help available. My Mom is a completely different person today. At the time of her depression she didn't understand why we kept pushing her to listen to the doctors. She just thought we didn't understand and were being mean to her. She has now made a full recovery from the depression and now looking back she can't understand why she had the thoughts and beliefs she had back then.

Please call the hotline that RN52 suggested or call and make an appointment with a doctor. Life can and will get better for you.

Aiden is not my baby, he's my grandson. But I'm his primary caretaker. He lives here. His mommy does too, but is gone more often than not.
I don't feel that I'm depressed, maybe somewhat. I'm just sick of everyone around me.
The atitudes. You know the day I was released from the hospital, my husband had the nerve to ask about sex. As you all know, I was shaking with fear and drugs and whatever. Now that time has gone on, he has no concern, (or doesn't act like it) and I feel sure that he has girlfriends. Just kind of makes me sick ya know? Plus, he's started drinking again, which makes him meaner. And insulting.
I tend to be an optimist usually, and my optimism keeps getting knocked down with the debby downers in my house.
One thing you all got me to do, watch tv. I never watched it, at all. Maybe a movie on netflix once a month, maybe. For Christmas, (actually a little before) I got a Roku and a flat screen small tv., just 32 in. Fine for me. I'll have to say, many of those times when I couldn't think straight or just couldn't focus on any one thing found me watching tv. Not usually during the day, mostly at night when I'm forced to hold still. Then I feel my heartbeat. Didn't seem to matter what show, comedy is the usual. Doc Martin and other types of shows.
No, my husband has effectively made sure I don't have friends anymore. Whenever I did anything, he always busted in and ruined everything. I was trying to go to church, but then get afraid at the last minute. There's one nearby that would be close enough so I'm not driving alone for too long.
Well, now that I've vented, I'm a bit embarrassed about it all. But I'll post it anyway.
Oh, I'm only on one med, that's, well, now I forgot the name of it. Oh, and baby aspirin. Lora something.

Lorazepam for anxiety?

I think you need a support group for dealing with a drinking, possessive, "whatever else" husband.

Just remembered the medication, dilitizium, or something like that.
Well, he stopped drinking, but then decided to do it again. His family up north is trying to get him to move up there and is always devising new reasons for it. So, then he gets torn. After his AA meeting, he then decided he can't go because the first thing his family did was to buy him a case of beer. REALLY?
But, he'll change his mind. He changes his mind 20 times a day on something. Which is now why I have to rush, since now he decided he is not working in the garage. It's my chance to get out of the house, even if it is just the post office. I'll devise a few of my own errands just to get some exercise.

Those of us on this site certainly do care about you and your concerns. I'm no doctor but I do know that you need some help from outside of your husband and family. They sound like very controlling people and this is a dangerous situation for you and your grandson.
Is it possible for you to move out and take the baby with you as his parents obviously aren't there for him? I know financially it would be hard, but it might be the best thing thats ever happened to you. Please keep us posted on how you are doing - we really do understand and really do care!

Thank you all,
No, can't take him. He has no Daddy, never did find him. His mommy lilves here, but has anger and other issues. I give Aiden all the love I can, praise, schooling etc. His mommy gets angry very easy at him, things that are normal for a 3 yr old. Yesterday was awful. She gave him coffee, fast food, and then left. Yeah, he cried more on than off yesterday. Poor kid, was bouncing off the walls and melting down. I did some horrible things to calm him down, I went and bought some organic ice cream and gave him a little, and I (gasp) let him watch his show on netflix. Thank goodness he is back to normal today. No meltdowns once today.
Yeah, what's weird is my husband says that I control everything. If I ask him what exactly I control he just cusses at me. You know he doesn't have an answer. Even when we went to counseling, she tried to pin him on that exact excuse, and she asked him if letting me control something was a bad thing. LOL! She knew he was full of bull and lying. I'm going to try to find a new counselor, I think she was too easy on him, and didn't really understand. She told me to kick the baby and his mommy out. I just couldn't do that to the little guy. This is the only home he's known.
Well, off to keep moving. Some days if I get distracted, busy I can almost forget about it for awhile. Then when I remember I'm amazed that I actually went through a space of time forgetting about it. Hard to explain, but it's kind of nice to not feel it even if it's not for very long.

If you have been to counseling in the past with your husband, why would it be any different if you went alone now? You say that you would be ostracized by your family. From the sounds of it, you already are being ostracized. I do not walk in your shoes, so I don't know what consequences you think you will endure if you go for help. There are times when you have to do what is in yours and your grandchild's best interest and forget about what your other family members say or think. Things can get better, but you need to take that first step. It does not sound like your grandson has a good male role model in your husband. From your description, your husband is emotionally abusive. I hope that your grandchild is not also witnessing any physical abuse. I will continue to pray and hope that you find the courage to get the help that you need. Just remember that I care and so do many others.

I think you did the perfect thing with the ice cream and Netflix.....it was not horrible at all! I have a grandson with ADHD and the meltdowns are just no fun. I will do almost anything to help him out when its going on - and if ice cream and a movie works, great! These little guys can't control it yet.

I agree that you can't kick the child out, but what about his mother? I'm sure she's taking advantage of you and that is a situation you do have control over. You know that in the long run she is not going to want the baby with her.

If you are going for counselling "to deal with afib" I guess you could cover "everything" without anyone knowing.

Jill, Just ;small steps to get out of a bad place. Each of us responding to you have had bad times. It is hard work sometimes just getting your head to a place where you can see the good stuff. Planting the beets is a step. Helping your grandson calm down is a step.

Look for the good stuff Jill. It is there.

You said insurance is now available. Go ahead and call and describe your symptoms. The docs will get it. As you can see from this website there are lots of us with the same symptoms and it pretty much sounds like this a fib stuff has been around for a while.

It might take more than one visit to get meds or your treatment right for you. I think we start thinking the docs should be able to fix us in 30 minutes or less... we see it on TV all the time. Someone gets sick and they are completely recovered from some horrible medical problem in one hour. Oh... right.. that's pretend medicine. We have to go through the waiting for the next appointment and the next medicine to help us find the right combination to our A Fib or other problem.

I wish all the best for you and for your family. My prayers are with you.