I'm just at my braking point. I feel so hopeless and alone. Everything just feels so hard. Relationships are nearly impossible for me to form or maintain im so tired of trying to. Worst of all I'm tired of all of the painful memories from before my diagnosis. All of the bullying and peer rejection. All of the one sided friendships. I remember in elementary school being the person no one ever wanted to be with. I remember in middle school the peer rejection continued and the bullying. I can recall being depressed and often staring out the window in class most often just wanting to go home. I remember being told I just needed to talk to people no one understood it was never just that easy. I remember in middle school gym class not being the last picked but not even picked at all. I remember all those days in high school walking alone through the hallways because I didn't have any friends to walk with. Even here no one wanted to work with me if they did they did reluctantly. What made it harder was that I ended up growing up with undiagnosed depression and anxiety to. I was left to believe that constant sense of sadness and greyness I felt was just a normal part of me and that anxiety was just apart of my personality.  I have difficult memories of often feeling sad and not knowing why. I knew I was different for years and learned about autism in middle school and began to suspect I was but didn't know how to communicate that. I realized I was showing signs for years but no one noticed. I feel like all of the adults in my life were either oblivious that anything was wrong or were in denial about the whole thing.  I just feel like my life has no purpose or meaning. Being autistic made me a much more independent thinker then some of my peers which made being raised in the Catholic Church very hard and likely contributed to my depression because I just couldn't fit in with my Catholic peers and struggled to just conform to what the church taught me. Being Catholic I was told that god had a plan for my life everyone around me seemed to have some intuitive knowledge of what gods plan was for there life but I never did.  I feel like I've missed out on so much in life dating friendship sex (as early as high school some kids were loosing there virginity) strong family relationships I even struggled to maintain relationships with my family even my cousins I couldn't maintain relationships with. I remember I was so rule oriented I didn't experiment with alcohol as a teenager like I heard alot of people did. I just feel like I've missed out on my life like it's already been lived. Like I missed out on all of the normal things other people did.