Asperger Syndrome Support Group
Asperger syndrome - also referred to as Asperger's syndrome, Asperger's, Aspergers or just AS - is one of five neurobiological pervasive developmental disorders (PDD), and is characterized by deficiencies in social and communication skills, normal to above normal intelligence, and standard language development.
My mom is the one who concerns herself with my mental health and medication and whatnot, but my dad keeps his distance and has no part in the matter. He hasn't vocalized it, but I think he's skeptical. I don't want to play the mental disorder card, but he treats me like a normal teenager. In the bad way. Like in the way that someone thinks a paraplegic is lazy for not walking.
I mean, earlier this year, I was taken out of school for a couple months because of a manic episode that eventually plummeted into a severe depressive episode. I don't remember what it was that I said, but it prompted him to say, "Well, maybe you should actually go to school, then." He said it as if I was a lazy brat who was using excuses to stay home all day. As if there wasn't an acceptable reason for me not being at school.
He tells me that I'll never be successful if I can't learn to make eye contact when I speak to people. He gets frustrated and calls me stupid when I get confused and can't follow directions that he gives me. He acts as if he knows everything about me, and that since I'm young, I don't know a thing about myself. So he has to tell me who I am and that I'm wrong when I say otherwise. He says that I'll grow out of my social anxiety and that I'll learn to communicate properly. And he may be right about that, but he means that it's only a phase that comes along with adolescence. If I better my communication or learn to be more social, it's because I'll work to do so. Not because I'll grow out of it.
To top it all off, I react to him in the worst possible way. When he gets upset with me and starts ridiculing me, I stop talking. I mean, I physically cannot speak to him or look at him or move at all. Even if I do respond, I'll mumble and he'll yell at me to speak up. My life coach has told him this before, because hell if I can confront him about it. But he still gets angry when it happens, and he thinks that I'm being snotty and giving him the silent treatment. So, he just insults me and walks off.
I've developed a subconsciously negative idea about him. And I don't like that. I love him. But I can't help but feel dread when he gets home from work and I hear his car pull up to the house. I can't help but feel relieved when he isn't home. I just think that Dad = stress. That's the stigma my mind has attached to him.
And I don't think that'll be changing any time in the near future.
I mean, earlier this year, I was taken out of school for a couple months because of a manic episode that eventually plummeted into a severe depressive episode. I don't remember what it was that I said, but it prompted him to say, "Well, maybe you should actually go to school, then." He said it as if I was a lazy brat who was using excuses to stay home all day. As if there wasn't an acceptable reason for me not being at school.
He tells me that I'll never be successful if I can't learn to make eye contact when I speak to people. He gets frustrated and calls me stupid when I get confused and can't follow directions that he gives me. He acts as if he knows everything about me, and that since I'm young, I don't know a thing about myself. So he has to tell me who I am and that I'm wrong when I say otherwise. He says that I'll grow out of my social anxiety and that I'll learn to communicate properly. And he may be right about that, but he means that it's only a phase that comes along with adolescence. If I better my communication or learn to be more social, it's because I'll work to do so. Not because I'll grow out of it.
To top it all off, I react to him in the worst possible way. When he gets upset with me and starts ridiculing me, I stop talking. I mean, I physically cannot speak to him or look at him or move at all. Even if I do respond, I'll mumble and he'll yell at me to speak up. My life coach has told him this before, because hell if I can confront him about it. But he still gets angry when it happens, and he thinks that I'm being snotty and giving him the silent treatment. So, he just insults me and walks off.
I've developed a subconsciously negative idea about him. And I don't like that. I love him. But I can't help but feel dread when he gets home from work and I hear his car pull up to the house. I can't help but feel relieved when he isn't home. I just think that Dad = stress. That's the stigma my mind has attached to him.
And I don't think that'll be changing any time in the near future.
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I find myself going places in the car and not wanting to get out of the car. I come back home and I don't want to get out of the car. I think it's the only time I spend reflecting. Chronic tiredness from Long Covid plus the immunosupressing meds for my Crohn's is slowing me down but everything just seems a massive effort. I am dealing with the paperwork following my father's death but it's not...
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Wow, it's the middle of the week already!Today is our 11 year anniversary, so we're going out to a nice dinner. I'm losing a lot of sleep these days, hence a wonky schedule and uncomfortable feelings. But I know it will pass, eventually.I hope all of you have a peaceful day, and may good things come your way!
I feel your pain you are not alone in this, your dad sounds JUST LIKE MY HUSBAND....
Our son Timmy is 13 and has a habit of asking the same question over and over again, I being his mom have learned that this is just a part of who he is, and I can appreciate that.... :) For instance this morning I set his drink right in front of him and said "time to take your meds", he asked "Is this my drink???"..... PAPPA Bear who happened to be sitting at the table looks at him and says "well did she just put the cup in front of YOU??? who elses would it be GOD ..TIMMY"....... I HATE when this happens..... :(
This may not make you feel better about your situation, but I have learned that it is hard for the fathers in our lives to admit that their sons are not "NORMAL"..... not mainstream like the other kids.... when Timmy was diagnosed Aspergers.... my husband refused to believe it, I finally had to tell him to "get over it, he is still your son and you will treat him as such".... he is slowly starting to realize this, but OFTEN needs subtle reminders that his treatment of Timmy really bothers me..... like this morning..... :(
I really hope for your sake that your father will one day understand.... you are who you are and I am sure you are a WONDERFUL PERSON..... :)
How does your mom approach your dad with his treatment of you?? I know it can not be easy for her either.....
While clearly you are mature and capable, your father is the adult. It seems you have done the best you can and really he should meet you half way.
The other adult of course is your mother - have you asked for her help with this?
It's possible some of the things your father has said are technically correct, as you get older you are more able to deal with things such as social anxiety. However he's clearly not taking the right route to communicate with you.
One thing I have learnt about parents is that they are people. As wonderful and flawed as anyone else and some of them are not really cut out to be a parent. Your father seems to be one.
I wish I had something more positive and practical to say -
THAT SAID- I know what you are dealing with, but you cannot fix him- you have to change YOUR perspective. You will have to do the impossible: tune out the personal and mean remarks and learn to look for what you can use to help yourself...Are you up for it? Because it's worth it to be able to tune out the mean comments and help yourself improve!
What you can do is what we learned in therapy- start a private (or have your mom join in) list that answers two basic questions: "what do i do too much of?" and "what do do too little of?"...For example: he says "YOU... ... NEED TO MAKE BETTER EYE CONTACT" SO, add that to your "what i do too little of" list, as follows- #1: Need to make better eye contact. - Drop the other mean words and nonsense from the paper and from your mind...It's not useful for you to help yourself, so blow it off and sift through the to find things for your LIST...
THEN- use your LIST with your life skills therapist! When they ask how you are since last session, you pull out your LIST and say: "I need to work on these skills! Give me some tips, tricks, and lets set some goals."
ALSO get tips for stress management so you can get through the garble at home, i mean good grief, you'll need it! lol
Get proactive for YOU, Sweetheart- YOU have to be your own best advocate and don't let his words be the things that defines who your are- and by the way- there are some pretty successful people with aspergers- Temple Grandon, Albert Einstein, Tom Hanks, ... and myself- I'm also an Aspergirl and I have come a long way when I stopped letting someone else decide if I was to be happy that day! You have a lot of fight left in you because you wrote what you did up there. Just remember- You need to be your own best advocate- even if you do it quietly, insist on doing what is right for you and don't let negativity take you over!
acuriousfish -- In such aspects, no, I must admit that he isn't the greatest of parents. I have a half-brother who's eleven years older than me, and he's bipolar too, but he went undiagnosed for awhile and he was much more unruly. I think it's safe to say that my dad bases a lot of his parenting on that whole situation, there.
AspergirlsRock -- Oh wow, thanks so much. What Lyndee said! That's all very helpful. :)
Other people do change, though. Maybe your dad will also "grow out of it" in 10 or 20 years. Negativity seemed to be passed along in my husband's family in the male line, but my husband lightened up a lot through the years and his dad did too.
It is especially difficult if you are paralyzed by the conflict, but if there is any way you can break free a little, just enough to come up with your own positive response--maybe a memorized one, like "You're right, I'll do that" and look him in the eye, if that is what he is saying; or, get up and leave if he is telling you to grow up, etc. Maybe you can practice it on your mom when he isn't home.
Do you find that repetition helps the Asperger aspects of your condition? That has been what has helped me the most, including memorizing lines that I can say in given situations.
Yesterday, my husband mowed over a little leaf pile my son and his sister made. My daughter was a little mad but my son took it personally as usual. He decided that my husband and I (don't know how I got drug into it but anyway) he decided he'd show us. He put my daughter's knee pads on my husbands lamp turned it on and put a plastic bag over it. The house almost caught on fire! he did not mean that. I think he just wanted to cause us trouble. I thought husband would flip! He didn't! He talked to our son and apologized about mowing the pile over and explained why what he did was not a good thing and suggested I get JJ to help.
Just this weeked he called my son "BOY" in a negative way. I told him to not do that cause it hurts his feelings. Husband was so less than happy when JJ's dx was changed from PDD to aspergers. I was lilke"wait a minute this is good!" He hasn't read anything doesn't know anything about any of this only what I tell him and sometimes he doesn't listen. I do what ever I can to help him learn.
Maybe your dad will come around too. I hope so. I feel for you. I wish I could hug you and tell you its ok. I wish I could talk for you and get you through this. You are a worthiwhile person derserving of understanding and love. I just don't think your dad doesn't know how. Maybe you will be able to communicate better as you get older.
Take care and you can talk to me anytime you want. I don't want you to feel alone.
Good luck to you, and I hope things get better for you. It does get greater later.
Trinity