I am going to make my comment from the perspective of a retired physician who is married to someone who is high functioning with a genius IQ, with an autism-spectrum Asperger-like problem, in my opinion.

On one occasion, I found our Alaskan husky outside, in acute distress, standing and heaving, and at once realized she had "bloat" or a torsion or twisting of her stomach so that nothing, including air, could pass through from the stomach.

This is an extreme medical emergency. If the air in the stomach is not decompressed in time, it will explode, and the dog will die. I had no way of knowing how long she had been in this condition.

I ran inside, told my husband that the dog was very sick, and I thought she had bloat, and called the vet. I called the vet on call--all our pet emergencies happen after hours. She said to bring the dog in immediately and she would meet us at the vet hospital. It is at least a twenty minute drive in from where we lived, and the first four miles and a half miles are on gravel roads, with a 20--25 mph speed limit. I usually drove 40 mph on them, but my husband is a very cautious careful driver, He drove, and I held the dog--a seventy pound husky in my lap! to try to comfort and reassure her, in her agony, as much as I could.

My husband started out driving down our long gravel driveway at ten miles an hour, and continued through the whole first part on gravel roads at 20 miles an hour. I was beside myself with anxiety that he was driving so slowly, knowing she could die before we made it to the vet, but from my experience of living with him for 10 or more years, I knew that if I suggested he go faster, he would probably slow down, so I didn't say anything, and just bit my lip and concentrated on staying quiet.

Did he not care about the dog? I know he cared very much about her--he just operates and perceives the world so much differently that I don't think he was aware that that the delay while he drove carefully at the speed limit might result in her death.

I didn't know how to communicate effectively with him. Now I think I might have handled it differently. I might have asked what he knew about bloat. If he didn't know that she might rupture her stomach and die at any moment, I could have told him that in a matter of fact way, explaining that this was an emergency that vets worry must be treated as quickly as humanly possible to prevent the dog from dying. Then I might have suggested that this was a case in which he should think of himself as driving an ambulance, rather than a car. Giving him information, and a neutral helpful way to problem solve would have probably been effective, while pleading with him to speed up would have not helped him look at the problem differently, and would not have improved his behavior. We had frequent trips to the vets when dogs met porcupines, and had to be taken in to have the quills removed while the dog was sedated. For all I know, he may have thought this wasn't any different.

I was much more successful getting him to act on a different problem, which I approached in a new way. I said, "You know, you say you love living in the country, but I'm not sure that you really do. I wonder if you just like the idea of living in the country."

He looked at me, apparently surprised, and said "Why do you say that?"

I answered, "well, we have miles of recreational trails that we built for sledding and skiing, but trees have fallen down over the trails so you can't get through, and you haven't done any thing about it. There have been trees over the trails for months.

You haven't kept the trails clear, and it has been getting so you can't even use most of them. If you live in the country, you have to maintain the property so that you can use it."

He listened to me carefully, and didn't comment. I didn't say anything more. Over the next couple of weeks, he took a chainsaw and whatever other tools he needed and cleared all the trails, and he continued from then on to maintain them.

What worked with this approach was that I never criticized him, and I never told him what to do. I did make a valid observation, rationally--and he operates on a plane of logical thought, is very good with mathematics of any kind. Logic is safe, while criticism or being told what to do threaten him personally on an emotional level.

We have now been separated for a long time--I won't get into that--except to say that I think he loves me and I know I love him, and I would never have left him if I had known that his behavior is due to a medical condition.

It is a great tragedy when a marriage is torn apart because the medical knowledge is so poor that people in mental health don't know how to recognize or screen for conditions such as my husband's. We were even seen at one of the top mental health institutions in the country, and nothing in the way our marital problems were addressed would have picked up what Jerry's problem was.

I say this as a retired physician, with many months of clinical training in psychiatry, and I don't believe autism spectrum diseases were addressed at all, at any time in my training, including medical school or residency. I had no knowledge of such diseases myself. It was never a topic which was addressed in any part of medical school or family practice residency training. This is a great failing of the medical training physicians were receiving during the time I was in school--1980--1992. Most of the physicians out there, unless they are specialists in autism--and mostly these will be pediatricians who go into that aspect of pediatrics--won't know anything about autism spectrum diseases in adults.

The fact that your partner didn't react could be related to his problems with Aspergers--it is hard to know of course--but the only thing I know to suggest is to have a discussion in which you ask him first if he has time to talk about something that has been concerning you, and when he agrees, so that you know that you can have a discussion with his full attention, you can talk about it, and also, I know on several occasions when I brought up a problem, my husband said he didn't like having me "springing" a problem on him.

I was confused as I didn't know how to introduce a problem without just bringing it up. Now I think it requires a step by step approach of saying 1) I have a concern, 2) is this a good time for you, or can you arrange a time when we can talk about it, and 3) sitting down at a table with him, at a time he knows in advance that you have something important you want to talk about, and he is forewarned. He will also know that you need his full attention. 4) Each part of the problem needs to be brought up in a non-judgmental way, starting with fact-finding--"Yesterday I was choking, and in distress, and I wondered if you noticed that this was happening?" maybe he was so engrossed in his show he wasn't even aware of it.

If he says yes, then maybe the next question is, did you know that people can choke to death, if someone doesn't help them right away? He may not know that. If not you want him to know it. Another question for anyone, is "do you know what to do if someone is choking and can't breathe?"

Everyone should be taught how to do a basic Hiemlich (sp?) maneuver, in which you go behind the choking person, wrap your arms around the body just below the ribs, with one hand making a fist, and grabbing the fist with the other hand, then quickly and as forcefully as you can, pulling your arms up and back toward you, trying to get any foreign object that could be in someone's wndpipe, to dislodge. If it doesn't work the first time, repeat it for as many times as necessary, and have someone call 911 after three attempts, if it isn't working, but keep trying. Sometimes getting the person into a position where their head is lower than their body will work, as you have the help of gravity.

With a baby or small child, you put your hand in the mouth and swipe to try to remove anything that is reachable in the mouth, and if that doesn't work, turn the baby on its stomach, with the head down while carefully holding the baby with one hand and arm, and pound with an open heel of your hand between the shoulder blades. Again, keep trying; call 911 if it isn't working, but don't give up.

But the approach to your partner should be one of asking for information to understand first, how much he noticed, how much he understood, and problem solving as to what would work best to get his attention if you are in trouble and you need his help.

One problem with choking of course is that it is when a person is no longer able to call out that they must have immediate action. There is a signal to use for that. This actually happened at Thanksgiving one year when I was visiting my father and stepmother. She started choking. She was sitting next to me, and she stood up, tapped on my shoulder, and when I looked up, crossed her arms across her chest, which is the universal Red Cross signal that she is choking and needs help. She knew to turn away from me, and I got up, and put my arms around her, and locked my hand around my fist and jerked firmly toward myself as quickly and forcefully as I could. It didn't work. She shook her head. I tried it again, and the second time, whatever had stuck in her throat came up, and she could breathe again!

"Whew," she said. "Thanks. I'm OK now." I smiled and said she was welcome, and we sat back down, and went on with dinner. There was no further discussion about it.

It all happened so fast--if she hadn't known what to do, or I hadn't known what to do, she probably would have died! Yet it was handled so quickly and effectively when she had the emergency, that we were able to handle it, in less than a minute, and hardly think further about it, although, of course, I realized the potential gravity of the situation, and never forgot it. I doubt if she did either. I got a little off-topic, but choking is a common issue.

I know whenever I am with someone who is choking to pay attention to whether they are continuing to breathe, and to be able to get air in and out--there is no reason to do the maneuver except when the airway is blocked and the person is no longer able to cough or to breathe.

Thanks for all your input everyone. I am learning how to handle situations in very different ways than what I'm used to, but he is also working hard to handle situations differently, too. I think knowing about his Asperger's and having this knowledge in the early stages of our relationship is really helping.

I am continuing to read about being in relationship with an Aspie, and I am learning a great deal. I am reading about things I can relate to, and reading about situations I'm thankful I haven't and probably won't have to face.

Educating yourself is always good. Knowledge is power.

Hi Anna
I've just found out after 3 and a half years that my partner is AS. I was about to end our relationship for several reasons when a friend whose son is AS told me what she suspected. I looked it up and phoned the national helpline. They confirmed what she suspected. He doesn't know - or if he does, he's never told me, which wouldn't surprise me as he's pretty secretive about a lot of things

I'm on a rollercoaster of emotions. I realise I was wrong about so many things I thought I knew. But mostly I'm devastated to realise that this man that I have loved so much and puzzled over for so long and have been confused by so much hasn't ever loved me. And also to realise when I look back that he never lied or misled me - I misled myself because I was applying my own feelings to him

I'm just getting my bearings again now. We're still together but I have plenty of time to consider things alone as we don't live together. I see now why he never wanted to

@ honey54.
You said: "But mostly I'm devastated to realise that this man that I have loved so much and puzzled over for so long and have been confused by so much hasn't ever loved me."

If I may ask...Why are you still with someone who you say hasn't ever loved you? Do you know that he hasn't loved you, or is this a feeling you have?

If he doesn't and hasn't ever loved you, it might be safe to say that you need to either get some serious clarification from him, or move on to someone who will love you.

Sorry for your situation. It sounds like you are in a sad place right now.

HI Anna
Sorry to be confusing. I don't want to hijack your post so a quick reply....
I have massive commitment issues and after 9 months together he did say he loved me once, but when I screwed up my courage and told him I loved him a few days later he replied "You do? That's a shame!" It was such an unexpected reply! Since then have told him I care about him instead
But I guess I always thought that deep inside he loved me really. And I loved him so I accepted it. I feel foolish now
I guess I'm struggling to understand what his feelings actually are for me now. When I asked him he said he never talks about feelings

I must add to Reply #10.
I am the Aspie and have been married 40 years. For most of that time we did not know why we had so many problems. I thought it was her and she thought it was me.
It was mostly me but the A.S. caused some nasty attributes to her character and was awfully demoralizing.
We are in recovery, sort of. We both understand my limitations. We pretty much avoid meltdown, which really started up after getting married. We understand my need to be alone, missing cues and clumsiness.
I am trying not to say things which are unusual. I say what is on my mind with is often inappropriate.
My point, which is getting lost here, is that even knowing of the A.S. and loving my wife, I am not able to be the "soul mate" my wife thought I would be ever so long ago. I can take direction but most of the "loving" things I do are not spontaneous but forced or with her direction. That is not the least bit romantic.
With the diagnosis, 40 years of hoping for a change is gone.
We are kinder to one another but that is not very romantic either.
I wish you all good fortune with your fellow.
Remember N.T.s have their faults as well. Ha!

We all have our faults, that's for certain!! Thanks for your reply, and I wish all the best for your marriage as well.

Anna, you and I are/were in the same boat...you sound exactly like me only I did not know what the word Aspberger was. You do. I was blindsided. All the signs were in front of my face and I couldn't see it because I did not know what it was .
After the fact (I believe he knew he had issues and never said anything to me) he could not handle his emotions and "snapped". I always felt like there was a plastic wall between us and I could not reach thru to him. I believe he loved me as I him, but he did not know how to handle it and it was easier for him to "let me go" so he shut me out totally and instantly as if I never exist. He would not communicate and left me out in the cold, on my own, to fiqure out what had just happened. Any other relationship two people can talk and work things out ..not him. Very painful for me to this day. I miss the man I knew and want him so bad but he is gone as if it was Alzheimers (he is here but he is not). Everyone tells me it would have happened eventually which is true. I just wish I would have know what I was dealing with.
My advice..if you want to live this way the rest of your life with him as he is...then hang in there but he cannot and will not change.....
I wish you well

I relate totally to what some others have said here about those with Aspergers having to be taught. This has definitely been my experience with my son. He actually is quite sensitive and always has had the ability to demonstrate empathy, however something really interesting came up when he received psychological testing when he was in grade 3. The results showed that while he scored in the superior range for abstract reasoning (higher thinking), he was really low when it came to sequencing (basic logic). So while he is intelligent some of what I would call his life skills are really lacking and not only does he have to be taught, but many lessons have to be repeated. How this relates to your boyfriend possibly is that he may not process things the way you or I would and that while this can be confusing even frustrating for us because it seems as if there should be an obvious or natural reaction, it may not be obvious or natural to the person with Aspergers.