Not to mention, I have been in another room for about 15 minutes (I had been with him for like 2 hours relaxing), and he still has not said anything relating to my disappearance from him. I could maybe sit in here all day and he wouldn't notice.

That is odd I'll admit. I can see why you'd be upset.

I'd certainly react and I know my aspie step son would also react, like we would come from another room if we heard that.

Just posted something about myths around aspergers and it suggests that aspies do have empathy but are not good at showing it.

Even so someone choking and not doing anything is a lot more than not being good at showing empathy.

I don't know what's going on either.

Hi Anna. I can certainly understand your frustration and concern over your boyfriends seeming lack of concern. Though this is certainly not the case with all Aspies-- among those with Aspergers, there's at least as much variation in basic personality as In The general population, and in my experience ( includes living with a ten yr old Aspie daughter & my Aspie husband, plus actively researching Aspergers influence on familial relationships) it is a fairly common thing to hear from those who live with an AS individual. Acuriousfish is correct in the idea that AS individuals do feel empathy but some have more trouble processing this emotion than others. Therefore it's likely your boyfriend does care but is having trouble letting you know that.

Seems to me he may have another common Issue in AS which is appropriate response to external social cues (I.e. either not noticing something is happening or not knowing how to respond or both). Are there other common sense type of things he fails to respond to? If so the this is likely where the problem lies. For many with AS they must be physically taught things that occur to neurotypical individuals naturally-- meaning we learned from watching others in our environment when children. Certain Common sense things have to be spelled out for them
Another possibility is that his picture of when its appropriate to respond may differ from yours. His response trigger may be you turning red in the face and gasping for air for example, while yours is hey I'm choking over here--- can't you hear me see me? Do something. i guess what im saying is he may look up and interpret that youve got it handled.
My husband can be this way sometimes and we have to openly discuss our expectations and agree on how certain things will be handled else he will not respond or misinterpret the situation.
Was he diagnosed with AS as a child or adult? How open about his disability is he? Has he had therapy?

I'd like to add tht you are to be lauded for your efforts to accommodate and try to understand his disability but are so correct that you have needs in the relationship too, and he can learn to respond to your needs in a way that works for both of you, if he's willing

Hope that helps some. Ill eh to find the name of a book I read that discussed this issue and get back to you. Lmk if you have any other questions.

I agree with niseyg: "For many with AS they must be physically taught things that occur to neurotypical individuals naturally..."

I really care about people. They are my #1 interest. What I don't have is a clear understanding of what is going on. I could never be street smart. I would never survive. I don't "pick up" on things.

I saw a neighbor being held up by a friend as she limped across the grass. It took until I was around the corner and down the street before it occurred to me that she was in trouble and I should have stopped to see if I could help. Later, I saw her with a cast on her leg.

I am that clueless much of the time. I am sorry.

I am glad you survived that ordeal. I can only say that I hope you don't get too mad at him. Think what would happen if you were depending on a blind and deaf person to help you, or a paraplegic. I know it is nice knowing you can rely on someone, but with AS you probably do need to "spell it out." Do so kindly and it won't be taken wrong, I think.

My husband is extremely tactful and most of the time I have no clue what he is really trying to say.

Okay, I talked to him about it. It seems to help when I bring up the issue when we are relaxing and I've had some time to collect my thoughts and craft what I say and how I say it. If I respond emotionally or in anger, it's unproductive and the situation is just worse.

He has always been like this, but I think this particular situation caught my attention more because I COULD have been in danger. Luckily, I wasn't and I was able to handle it myself.

Like you said (niseyg123), his response trigger differed from mine. He said "I knew it wasn't that big a deal. I've choked on water before -- everyone has, and it just has to pass. I knew you'd be fine. If you had been actually choking to the point of not breathing, of course I would come and help you...but really, I knew you were gonna be okay."

I told him that logically and realistically yes -- I was fine, but showing that you care even if you know I'm going to be fine would be nice. It doesn't make someone feel cared for when they are in pain and you don't show you even notice. I related it to his situation when he was really sick. I said "I knew you were going to be fine, and weren't going to die, but didn't it feel nice to know that I was concerned about how you were feeling? That I showed how badly I felt that you didn't feel well?" He said, "Yeah, I guess so...Aspgergers! I have Aspergers! (Saying this as a reason to be excused), but he was joking with me and did end up validating my feelings and telling me he would be more mindful next time.

Thanks for all of your responses. A lot of times, I know these things. I have read a lot and experienced a lot, but sometimes I just can't get away with how I feel and my own emotions toward things.

I just feel like he has to be taught everything situation to situation. He doesn't generalize well. I've also noticed he doesn't know how to behave toward people appropriately to their age. My nephew is 9 months old and just wants people to smile at him and play peek-a-boo. My boyfriend just stares at him and told my mom (who was encouraging him to smile at him) that he was testing him to see what he would do. That is NOT appropriate for a baby of 9 months. This is just an observation that I'm wondering if anyone else has observed with their Aspie(s)...

"This is just an observation that I'm wondering if anyone else has observed with their Aspie(s)... "

We are right here. There are Aspies on this board and alot of us are very self aware.

You make us sound like pets rather than people?

Anyway to answer your question - no I wouldn't try some kind of experiement on a nine year nephew. My step son wouldn't either.

I meant the people who live with Aspies (any family member, friend, boyfriend, girlfriend). It's just like saying "their children, their parents, their whoever." I didn't think Aspie had a bad connotation.

I did not mean it offensively and if it came across that way, I truly apologize. I was writing that post fairly quickly. Next time I will proof read it and make sure I say everything correctly and ask myself if any of the language would be offensive.

People with Asperger's truly fascinate me and dating a man with Asperger's is really wonderful, I am not dating him because of his Asperger's or despite it. I am with him because I love who HE is, but as you may know, there are challenges which is why I thought this site existed. If this site is only for Aspies and I misunderstood, I will gladly leave. I can understand how that came across, and I surely don't want anyone to feel like they are a pet. That is not at ALL what I intended to convey.

ok, maybe I'm being sensitive but it has happened a number of times here.

I get what you mean by It's just like saying "their children, their parents, their whoever." " - but I don't think that's the same thing.

If this was a group for husbands and wives and I made some observation that my wife was always buying dresses and then said "This is just an observation that I'm wondering if anyone else has observed with their wives?" that might get a bit of a reaction perhaps?

And wives, husbands and children, parents are not minorities.

And a final point about why I might be sensitive - do an analysis on the sheer number of negative things that are said about people with Aspergers or believed to be Aspergers.

I really do think that this group should support people with Aspergers and people who have children with Aspergers or a relationship with someone with Aspergers. Yes there are issues with being in a relationship with aspergers and those are very real and should be talked about here.

But when you take into account we are a minority, that most things said here about basically the disorder I have then you might get an understanding of why I'm touchy about it?

Of course. I definitely understand where you're coming from.

some might not like my reply but here it is, none the less. You will need to get MUCH thicker skin if you remain in this relationship- There are some good books geared towards spouses of AS. If you have children and they have it ,then you'll need triple thick skin-
Sad as it is- you'll need to be a very independent person and not expect a whole lot of emotional support that is not inherent or seek your support elsewhere. IMHO- good luck to you.

"Sad as it is- you'll need to be a very independent person and not expect a whole lot of emotional support that is not inherent or seek your support elsewhere. IMHO- good luck to you. "

I've said it before - don't base your judgement of a minority on one or two examples of people diagnosed with Asperger's or even worse on one or two people who you think have Asperger's we are all different.

acuriousfish- I am writing my OPINION - I live with 3 or 5 family members with Aspergers- plus have DH's extended family with several also Aspergers dx. More than we like to admit. I am basing my personal opinion on my personal experience of being married to one for 21 years and then having several of my kids dxd one after another. I personally know far more people with aspergers that the average person and am speaking with a conglomerate of them in mind. I also know the spouses (quite well) and the personalities of the ones that are still married, both male and female It is not a broad cast JUDGEMENT it is MY OPINION.
An emotional needy person and an aspie will generally not make a good match. So my advice would be, honestly. be able to become more thick skinned and/or get emotional support elsewhere or run for the hills..
BACK TO ANNANT- Your relationship will likely be challenging in these ways for the life of your relationship, yes, some Aspies CAN change and or modify or learn better skills in this genre but others not so much or it is an ongoing challenge. In my case, our relationship has lasted this long due to my unusually high degree of emotional and social independence and self esteem. Admittedly this has been challenged to the utmost degree and the loneliness is unbearable at times- We also have a posse of professional help here over the past 7 years. as I said there are some great spouse-partner books out there on how to cope and go into this relationship with your eyes wide open..
and back to acuriousfish :
My advice to you would be to try not to JUDGE other peoples OPINIONS on what you don't know about them and try not to assume.... you should know the rest....

hanginon, Aspie's tend to take things literally as they are written. Some are analytical and questioning like myself and others accept what is written by adults who are normal as they are more worldly wise.

You did not say "In my opinion", what was written was a statement without qualification such "may" or "might" or "some".

What you wrote would appear to be an emphatic statement of fact.

" "Sad as it is- YOU'LL' NEED to be a very independent person and not expect a whole lot of emotional support that is not inherent or seek your support elsewhere. IMHO- good luck to you. "

That's why I challenged what you wrote.

I know plenty of people with Aspergers too. There are alot that share the board.

I'd appeal to you to be mindful that low esteem is common among people suffering with Asperger's disorder. Relationships are a particular concern for many and as said many will take your statement as the absolute truth..

So please understand why what you write might be upsetting to some and perhaps, as you suggest, prefacingt your comments "In my opinion.." is better than apparently making a bold statement of fact.

Casual opinions can crush the spirit of someone who has low self esteem - if you look through posts on this board you will find examples of people with aspergers looking for reassurance and hope of having a normal life and a relationship.



"My advice to you would be to try not to JUDGE other peoples OPINIONS on what you don't know about them and try not to assume.... you should know the rest...."

On that we can definately agree.

I have ASD. I am a very caring person. Figure that one out.

Hi, Anna. The situation you described is almost identical to what I once experienced. I have an acid reflux issue and a couple of times a year I wake up in the middle of the night, unable to breath, when my respiratory system shuts close sensing acid. Scary like hell when it happens.

It happened once when I was in a relationships with a girl, whom I think has Aspergers. I woke her up and continued choking and gasping for air, almost passing out. She just sat there, next to me, staring at me, for half a minute. It was quite unnerving. I was by then used to her unusual reactions and behaviors, so I just brought it up next morning. When I pointed out I could have died, she was remorseful. Similar situations, some involving social situations, kept happening once in a while with her.

I loved her very much, so I just accepted her quirkiness, as she was a very smart, well educated, positive and beautiful woman. We broke up, when I decided I would not want more children, while she wanted to have a family one day. Her strange reactions, which I couldn't understand, were part of my reasoning.

I realized she was probably an Aspie about half a year later. It was quite an eye-opener as I kept reading on the topic. I was still in love, so I reached out to her and mentioned my suspicion and that I could now understand what she was dealing with. Sadly, it didn't go over very well and she stopped communication with me afterwards.

You have the benefit of knowing that your boyfriend is an Aspie, so you don't misinterpret his reactions as I did quite a few times. My suggestion would be to learn as much as you can about AS and figure out whether you can deal with it or not. Aside from some social and empathy issues, the girl I mentioned was the most amazing human being I have ever met - honest, smart, decent, hardworking, responsible and emotionally even. I keep questioning my decision to this day, to be honest. I think sometimes the most challenging relationships are the most rewarding.