Asperger Syndrome Support Group
Asperger syndrome - also referred to as Asperger's syndrome, Asperger's, Aspergers or just AS - is one of five neurobiological pervasive developmental disorders (PDD), and is characterized by deficiencies in social and communication skills, normal to above normal intelligence, and standard language development.
I was dating a man in his mid-fifties and he was such a gentle and intelligent person. He also seemed to be extremely shy and anxious. This did not bother me as I thought it was a sign of a very sensitive person which I think is a great quality. After about six months of dating I was at his house and helping him to clean up as he seemed to have difficulty organizing or recycling his stuff. During our time together a conversation came up and I disagreed with something he said. Well, it was like lid blew off an ignited sewer of gas! He started this wailing, insulting, ranting, contradictory, hysterical rant that went on for hours and hours. I was in shock. I didn't handle it well, I told him that I did not agree with his words and insults and that he was nothing short of a verbally abusive bully as far as I could see. I left. He phoned and phoned (100 times) in two days. When I spoke to him he was extremely apologetic but as soon as I refused to agree with him that his anger was my fault he started his yelling again. I hung up. A week passed and he phoned again and we went for a walk. I agreed to be understanding that he was over-tired and this was not his usual behaviour at all. We dated some more for six months. We took a weekend trip together and he says I triggered his anger with what I said and off he went on another 8 hour rant of arguing, yelling, insulting, whining, contradiction, blaming, pacing, panting, bullshit. I though I was going to throw up. I told him this was verbal abuse in the extreme but nothing would stop him and it was hell.
Can anyone out there relate to this? I finally suspected Asperger's because of timidity to look people in the eyes, one of his hands for of flap now and then and his coordination is slightly off. He tells me that I am the only person he has ever yelled at like that. I find that hard to believe.
Adult Asperger's undiagnosed or an extremely verbally abusive person???
Can anyone out there relate to this? I finally suspected Asperger's because of timidity to look people in the eyes, one of his hands for of flap now and then and his coordination is slightly off. He tells me that I am the only person he has ever yelled at like that. I find that hard to believe.
Adult Asperger's undiagnosed or an extremely verbally abusive person???
i don't care if someone has aspergers or not this is no reason to display violence to another. I have aspergers and have to stay in counseling fo this very reason. I don't accept this behavior in myself or others.
I have chosen to follow love and that is that.
I've seen and experienced the destruction this type of behavior causes. It should not be justified or condoned with a title and I'm not saying that you are doing either. In fact you are doing great by calling him on his choice to be unhealthy.
Whether we have aspergers or not, we are intelligent - in some cases extremely gifted- yet our gifts can be used by us to help us travel a different path in life.
If he wants to have a friend, then he needs to learn what it means to be a friend. He's done this many times over in the past. Just my 2cents.
See, Aspies don't reason the way a non-aspie would. My father feels absolutely certain that you've cause his anger with what you've said. He has a hard time knowing the difference between provoking and that feeling of irritation that we all get when we feel misunderstood. He feels misunderstood, but he sees it as your fault that you do not understand. I think the way my dad sees it is that he understands it, and it's for everybody else to get with the program! Aspies expect that you look at things from their perspective because it is next to impossible for them to experience it any other way. But nobody needs to be abusive about it. Aspies have to work extra at communication skills to better express what's bothering them. Unfortunately, nobody has really intervened or checked my father's anger over the years; his extreme behavior is rather intimidating and I think he's come to learn that bullying can be very effective. I think maybe if somebody took notice when he was a kid...but times were different back then.
To everyone... If you're ever in fear of the person you're dating. LEAVE. AS SOON AS YOU SEE IT THE FIRST TIME. You wait too long... abusers get weird. I've seen news articles of what they do.
Whispering: you put this into perspective for me from a "responsible" person with aspergers.
Wendy: Now I get it why he always blames me.
SigS: I don't live under that same roof, that didn't last very long. It was all so confusing because he can be such an intelligent, timid, generous person most of the time and then one word, tone of voice, or opinion can just send him into an abusive verbal rant. I have a lot of issues and I am in counseling. A recent phone conversation where I refused even a cup of tea get together, he said he was going to go and get some medical help and treatment for this problem because he realizes that it is disgusting what he has done. He still tried to blame me and I stood firm on that and said that after he proves to me that he is in counseling and perhaps on medication I would have a cup of tea with him as a friend only, no longer do I have an intention of even remotely being his partner in life. After much whining and pleading, he did accept my boundaries. This is not an evil person, this is a person with a disability that has not taken the responsible steps of being under good medical counseling in order to control and prevent abuse to others from his uncontrolled emotional ranting.
Thank you so much for your concern and input. I don't feel so alone with this issue now. :)
Thanks :)
From you description this man seems to have some serious emotional issues and I'm very happy to hear you've decided to stay away from him. However, have you considered that maybe you think he has Asperger's as a way of justifying his behavior? I can relate to that because I have a tendency to do the same but with experience I have learned that some people are just jerks. :-)
Blueforest: thank you so much for your input. I put the Asperger's together from the extreme shyness to look people in the eye, high anxiety in social situations, a flapping of the right hand and arm, and some co-ordination difficulties physically, and overwhelmed responses to too much noise, activity, etc. This person also has OCD and I was truly empathetic and wanting to help him with this in the beginning but not now. I have no problem with accepting people with disabilities as I have some myself but when the person becomes extremely abusive, that is just not acceptable and must be corrected. I would still be this person's friend in life but after the abuse I no longer see myself as attracted in that way or strong enough to bear the brunt of being his partner if this ever occurred again. He says he is taking the appropriate steps and I tell him upfront that I only care to be his friend now. I'll post on how that goes.
Having said that I am an aspie - lived with my non-aspie husband for 16+ years. He was not always patient. But we didn't either of us engage in violence - anger, maybe. He said I was hard to live with in the end ..... so we didn't , but we've co-parented and maintained a pretty good and solid friendship.
I think it helps to be friends first, lovers second and then take on the issues and stressors of whatever syndrome or disorder. If that comes too soon the relationship is probably doomed.
A.
It isn't worth it.
Friendship is good; however, you will still have to watch this one too. If he oversteps his boundaries, then you're going to have to call it a day. If he wants to dialogue about how he's correct, the discussion is over.
This relationship is still probably going to be a bit tricky. At least that's what I can remember from being the unhealthy person and then having a turn on the other side. Proceed with caution.
Hugs, lots of hugs. pm when you need to Dee.
I just want to say that I think you handled it really well. You told him exactly what you thought, that he was being abusive, and that you weren't standing for it. And since then you have stood firm. I have seen a lot of partners in the same position either tolerate it or even worse blame themselves, so really respect the way you have stood up to him and appreciate how hard that must be. I know from my own experience with mother/husband and son that often you get so tired of the misery of the situation that the temptation to stop the abuse temporarily by giving in and letting them have their way can be almost overwhelming. Good on you.
Mum7