Stop. Pause. Breathe. Option. Repeat until clear headed and calm.

When it comes to the elderly going into a nursing home for 24/7 attending care. it becomes necessary to use positive referral points to their fears.

No choice, not a good way to have a conversation. Please look at how you can say 'choice of this or that' in the move. No choice, loss of independence will put them into major defensive mode and they can create chaos, confusion, and leave you with your jaw hanging open at what they say and do.

Yes, I agree that she needs to move into nursing home; however, the choice of words you use will make a major improvement (still hard, still difficult) in the tough love approach.

What exactly is her worst nightmare? about the move? Take the details you can and use those to help build a bridge to the change.

Do thinking and see if that helps to relieve your anxiety level.

You will all make it through this.

(((((Greeneyes))))))
Sending you lots of support & many prayers.
Gentle hug <3

* reach out as much as you need

Sending thoughts and prayers out to you and your family. I hope everything turns out ok.

Mod, she cannot stand up by herself, is wearing diapers, decided she needed to go to the hospital. Apparently lied to the doctor and refused further treatment. Was sent home. The doctor told her that if she comes back again, she'll be put in a nursing home. Her daughter called her case manager who told her to tell her mother to go back to the hospital. She is refusing to go to the hospital. She is extremely stubborn. Her home health aides have been taken away from her. So we are just waiting for her to give into reality. We are all sick about it. Thank you!

Thank you lilmissy and Restful. This is going to be more work for me. She has food allergies and the rehab kept sending her food that she can't eat so I had to bring her stuff. I'm not around the corner.

Oh, my. sounds like what happened with my mom...and without a medical directive, it requires a bit of stage acting to get her to go be seen.

That's a huge problem when the doctor says it if she comes back, she'll go in a nursing home. If she's not able to keep herself cleaned up and she's not able to stand up, those are key to physical ability to be 'independent'. I'm not sure of the rules in your area for elder care, elder medical intervention, and I take it there's no medical directive for your mom to state specifically she needs to go to a nursing facility.

My heart aches for you. I can think of several ways to get her in the vehicle and then into the hospital, but if she's able to be cognitive mentally, then you'll have to have physical proof (depending on your area's requirements) of her actual inability to take care of herself.

Mid (sorry about the typo earlier), thanks for responding. I talked to her daughter this afternoon. She is a psychologist. She is going to visit her Mom today or tomorrow to assess her. She loves her mother but doesn't have much tolerance for her. She seldom sees her or talks to her. So I will feel better once she visits. Yesterday was bad. Monday night and Tuesday morning were bad. Between the raunchy diapers and my Aunt yelling to her off-duty home health aide to hurry, hurry, fast, it was not fun. I even slept over Monday night which I hate to do and have never liked sleeping elsewhere. I hurt my back helping her to stand up. It takes 2 people to get her up. So I got to come home Tuesday morning and my poor kitty was a little wigged out that I hadn't been home. So after I left, a nurse was coming to reinstate the home health aides but my Aunt decided that she couldn't be alone so much and would have to go to the hospital. Hours later, I call the ER and they put me right through to her and she tells me that she's being sent home with pain medication and that the ambulance driver will bring her to her door and then she'll walk with her walker. She lied. Called her son and he called the ER doctor who said she refused further treatment. I was really mad at her. Then on Wednesday morning, I get a call to come help wash her and I refused and the off-duty home health aides yelled at me. I was so upset. So then I woke up this morning thinking they would call again and my heart was beating fast and then it just hurt. My Aunt called right after Noon as pleasant as could be and said she thought I would visit her. My cousin and I agreed that we can't support her staying home. I was worried about her but she needs to face reality. As my cousin said, this is getting ugly. Thanks again!

You do NOT need to be trying to lift her. Period.

She is NOT physically able to take care of herself. Contact Elder services to have an evaluation done. When a person is capable of saying they can take care of themselves and respond cognitively for a certain amount of time, they are considered mentally competent to take care of themselves.

That's the part that my mom used frequently - she would get angry and be cognitive aware current and refuse service, so the only thing left was to let her be.

Remember to take care of yourself FIRST. Her daughter assessment will help. Do Not Attempt to help her to stand without a gait belt. They have them on amazon with lift handles. This will help keep you from injuring your back and/or knees.

Your aunt is currently 'in control' of her mind, even as her body is failing.

The key here is to find out the assessment requirements for physical ability - and your aunt is going to deny she is not able to do things physically, so it's a matter of having proof of evidence. (This is why asking elder services for an evaluation will help )

My suggestion to you is to tell your aunt that you are NOT able to do any more than you have been doing. When it comes to food, be prepared to understand that your aunt will not follow the rules there, either.

Again, and I know this is hard to understand, as long as she is cognitive aware, she is capable to make independent decisions. However, she requires more help than is available through current resources.

The home health aides have no business yelling at you, either. They are supposed to be using a gait belt to help her stand up. If it requires two people, then she is NOT physically independent. If she is NOT able to get up on her own, then that's a medical issue.

I am not sure what the rules are in your area (and it makes a huge difference in how things are handled) for medical intervention for nursing home care).

Thanks Mid. My back is all crampy this morning. I didn't expect her to be so weak. She just got out of rehab. She should be stronger.

I want as little to do with her care as possible. I have my own health problems.

I will tell my cousin to look into Elder Services for an evaluation.

Thanks again!

Mid, I just called the county office of agency. I don't think we can force her into a nursing home but the lady that deals with that was not in. I should get a call back around 3:00 though. Thanks!

((((Greeneyes))))))
Many years ago I went through a kinda similar situation with my grandmother. I say kinda similar because it was dementia with Lewy body disease. In the beginning she was kind of able to hide it around certain people. But as it progressed it got really bad. She started to get really scared at night & running away in some bad areas, the cops would just see her wandering around & bring her home. Because she would always refuse help & asked to be brought home that’s what they did - even when she was clearly not okay, walking around with a nightgown on in the rain on the side of highways ect. No matter what they said because she asks to go home that’s what they have to do. In ny state you pretty much have to be homicidal or suicidal for anyone to have to be brought to a hospital ect.
She started getting really bad & it’s like someone always had to watch her & she kept trying to run away & I’ll spare you everything - theres just so much that happened. But one day one of the last times she ran away & the cops brought her home, one of the cops was walking in with her & she saw my cousin (& because the dementia) didn’t remember who she was & she started attacking her. My cousin actually ended up getting pretty hurt because she grabbed my grandfathers cane & started really going after her before the cop could get up the stairs & stop her. If that never happened who knows how long that would have gone on.
So that’s an example how different states have different policies on those kind of things.

Take care of you as much as you can because I’ve always noticed that in these kind of situations people don’t know how to help & start beating themselves up because they can’t make it better & then we overdo stuff (innocently enough because it’s coming from a good place of wanting to help) but then we end up hurting ourselves more.

Sending you lots of support, strength & many prayers
Gentle hug <3

Thanks lilmissy! Boy you really went through it with your grandmother. You must have been worried sick all the time.

I'm going to do an update now.

My cousin said she was taking my Aunt to the hospital. I think she meant by ambulance. I am glad but sad for the circumstances. We were all so happy when she came home on Monday. I'm waiting to hear from my cousin. Thanks!