again i wonder if you and my hubby are brothers. i am grateful he got help for himself and outgrew these control tactics. he's an opinionated old coot but i still love him, even when i have to increase my social distance to another state.

sorry bad jenny is ruining your life.

Appreciate the reply and opportunity to talk. Just so we're clear, if you scheduled a nice dinner with friends and hubby says I decided not to go at 6:30 when you're supposed to be there 7:30, I assume you wouldn't complain but just say you respect his right to make his own choices and sympathize with any illness that contributed to this behavior.

To be clear, anxiety Jenny is controlling me, not the other way around. I'd like to go to the beach for Labor Day but can't because anxiety Jenny says she runs the show. You might say do what you want, but let me give you an example of what then occurs.

Last month, we're at a hotel (again because Anxiety Jenny didn;t like any house), I suggest I pick up breakfast (nowhere to cook), place an order, and decide to take a leisurely walk while I wait an try to relax for say 15 minutes. . Coming back, the waitress says you received 2 emergency calls your wife is looking for you, the waitress thought perhaps she was having a baby or there was a medical emergency, but no, normal anxiety as she says she'll be coming to meet me in 90 degree weather until I tell her to wait.

Your husband seems like a nice, caring, loyal, loving man who is prepared for the long run even though there are challenges in dealing with someone with serious anxiety.

And no, you don't just jettison a long marriage because there all challenges but if there is sound medical and other advice and multiple family members agree, you do try to help.

Her best friend has now called 3 times today, but I have to tell her as I do you, Anxiety Jenny is running the show and does not like anything pleasurable, any fun things, anything that regular Jenny enjoyed, and just loves the idea of regular Jenny and her husband spending a holiday weekend miserable and in bed. And the difficult thiing is when you tell the truth about what is occurring, that can create more anxiety, reinforcing Anxiety Jenny's power to ruin my wife's life, something she has achieved with astounding skill and consistency over the last 18 months.

I don’t think there are two different Jenny’s. I think there is just Jenny, in her current state of being: challenging, confusing, anxious, unbalanced. This is who she is right now, maybe forever, maybe not, who knows.

I can’t know for sure but maybe it feels condescending and belittling to her that you refer to her in the third person as Regular Jenny and Anxious Jenny. It would irk me.

I'm piping in on the clue of two jenny-I think you need to change it from two jenny, because she is jenny, through and through.

I do agree with calling her on her 'choices' and separating that part from two jenny. Call her on it, every single time. She doesn't like it because it means what's happening belongs to her.

I have left hubs at home, gone off to do my own thing for me, and I have shown him that my independent thought, action, are not about him, in any way, shape, or form.

I've taken an entire weekend to myself, gone off with a close friend to visit their granddaughter and daughter. When I got back, things changed for the better, slowly.

You are going to have to change up your strategy again. You're on the right path, since you are helping her to show her feelings. That's a huge step forward.

I do know each of our perspectives is personal, however, the way each of us approaches anxiety is as individual as our experience.

I think you're doing this for the right reason, and I'm glad you're sharing it.

Her 'best' friend...may need to just say, 'we're going, get in the car with me'. I had a friend do that when I was being underhanded about my real feelings.

I suspect your wife is being underhanded because it works for her. So, choices will be between two activities, no is not an answer at that point.

When they choose no every single time, it's more than just feeling anxious, it's about them controlling everything.

I hope you find a way to enjoy the beach, alone if you must. The very fact that she called you three times in a short period reveals that what she wants is you being miserable and not enjoying anything.

So, go enjoy yourself. You need to take care of you first and take the high road with your words.

Thanks for some good advice as always. Let me clarify, her friend is staying with us and wanted to go the beach (sensible because we picked a house near the beach). Her friend tried to get her to go, I obviously wanted to go, but my wife said wait and she'll get try to get ready. My wife said she wanted to go but sensibly understanding the situation, her friend drove to the beach alone, and said meet me there, and my wife is here alternatively in bed, pacing, worried, looking at clothes and going nowhere. Her friend called 3 times.

I supposed the main reason I don't go out, is just a little worry about her safety, but I suppose I need to get over that.

To be clear, before this happened, my wife was non-possessive and confident, we'd each go our own way periodically, and she was quite independent and confident.

So about 4, trying to decompress, on my computer, my wife takes my phone and has some seemingly accusatory question about something on there, what is Loolo, by an app.

As best I can tell maybe I was trying to install some app and failed and in any case, it does not mean anything and I lost it. Are you out of your F'ing mind, you don't do anything the entire day, blow off your friend, and you're spending time on this nonsense, you look at my phone, have access to it throughout the day and instead of trying to get better, you're asking about this, And why did you tell me and your friend you were going when that was obviously a lie, instead of some nonsense on my phone, why aren't you working on getting better.

So we talked and I sympathize with her, her doctor has also diagnosed some psychotic/schizophrenic behavior and her new medicine is designed to address that which is perceived as more serious than simple depression or anxiety.

We talked about creating a list, and trying to mirror the behavior she had before. Do you think that would help? Does it make sense to work on this.
Her friend has a disabled husband to whom she is quite devoted, but she provides some firm guidelines for medicine and behavior, and is implying that I need to be firmer, though she is sympathetic to me. Would a list trying to mirror her actions and behavior, (which she wants and i do too), help structure things.

Big hugs & many prayers for you & Jenny <3

I'm sorry Bobby. I know this is all so difficult.

It makes sense that she has some psychotic/schizophrenic diagnosis. I was kind of guessing she had some type of split personality disorder, only going by what I read of your story.

I believe medication would be the most helpful?? Please find a way that she takes her medication regularly and exactly as prescribed.

I also think therapy would help. This is something that you need professionals for. It will be difficult for you to handle this on your own.

Medication first, and therapy.

As far as the beach and this weekend. I am assuming you are away for a vacation this holiday weekend. So....tomorrow, if she doesn't want to/can't go, then you just go. Don't feel guilty about going to the beach without her. See if she wants to go first. If she doesn't, then calmly say that you would like to go and that you'll see her later. If she makes a big deal, tell her to call you if she changes her mind and would like to join everyone there or to meet up later for a dinner out. Don't be angry or argue about it. Just calmly say that you are going and you'd love for her to join you or at least join you later. Then walk out the door. No anger or frustration shown on your end.

Thanks for the advice, friends. Things did work out much better after I wrote. First, to clarify we are staying in our new house which is about 20 minutes from the beach. Her friend came back, was annoyed that my wife had not joined her, but suggested we go out. It was hard to get my wife to go, but I did understand a little of her frustration, it turns out she has 3 pairs of black shoes which would go with her outfit, but each has only one shoe, with the remainder apparently packed somewhere else, and her makeup case seems to be missing.

We waited but my wife finally did get ready and we all went out for dinner. I picked a place on the water, getting a place for dinner Labor Day weekend is not that easy, but i managed to wrangle some seats, and we all had a really nice night. My wife seemed very happy, the conversation flowed easily with her friend (who coincidentally has her own house problems), food was very good, and things were good.

But that's why there is some pushing on my end. If my wife were say socially anxious, I would not push her. My brother for example had a nasty divorce, doesn't seem to date much, and that's his business. But my wife was always a social person and seeing her smile and enjoy herself with her friends, you want her to be with them, indeed, her one worry with the move was being away from people she knew.

Whether its called Anxious Jenny, a shift in personality, or a consequence of depression/anxiety, shutting people out does not seem good for her and pushing her to do what she has enjoyed her whole life seems right. Indeed she will say I never should have shut people out. She can have a reasonably sensible analysis of past conduct, but getting her to apply it today becomes hard.



.

Let me go over issues with medication and counseling

1. Medication She has never fully complied with a medication plan. She was first on and off Zoloft, and internist prescribed Lexipro. At around the 8th day, she said she was experiencing some vision issues, and her sister said these drugscan be very dangerous. An opthomologist found no vision loss from this, and we went through a succession of different drug regimens never fully complying, for example, my wife did not like Ambilify, and when she heard Wellbutrin was on TV said she didn't like it. If two drugs were prescribed, we were using one.

Thus, the psychiatrist cannot intelligently evaluate the treatment, and I've had most of my family insisting that I monitor more carefully, while her sister keeps saying we're not looking at physical causes, though my wife's latest exam and bloodwork were normal. She keeps saying she's sick, and the doctor is wrong though for the past 30 years, she trumpeted that doctor's ability and his reputation is impressive as many in the medical field go to him.


2. Counseling My wife seems to have a hard time. My son goes to counseling and handles it sensibly, candidly discussing issues, crafting goals, and arranging for appropriate follow up. My wife has seen 5 therapists but no significant help is seen. First, she frequently tries to minimize problems. Secondly, she has excellent social skills in many contexts so problems are not quickly seen. Third, I'm not sure she buys into therapy. I would like her to have a comprehensive program of CBT, and try to use the sessions to do that but that has not happened.

The last psychiatrist, who said she had some schizophrenic and psychotic episodes.... they prescribed only Zoloft and then only Lexapro??? Just wondering, because I believe this will take more than one medication.

I have a family member who has bipolar and schizoaffective disorder. This family member is on 4 medications a day, and they are now finally able to work, hold down a full time job, raise a family, are reasonably social and stabilized... etc. Obviously, every person is different, and I have no direct experience with this..... but I still maintain that if it is possible for her to get on the right medications, then this would really stabilize her moods. Make her much more predictable and calm... so that you can then begin to talk to her about getting help with a therapist.

What she seems to be going through is an imbalance, which is chemical. It's not just "oh she's being socially distant today" or "she wants to sleep all day today".....She has some serious chemical imbalances that ARE treatable, or at least manageable.... but again, has to get on, and stay on, medications.

Question, please don't take offense, but sometimes the way you write seems to be that you are looking for glimpses of the person that she used to be? Instead of accepting who she is now, that things have changed?

Zoloft requires hydration sensitive people to maintain level hydration. I was on it, and it worked great for the symptoms it treated as I learned the CBT techniques.

A combination of medicine requires the individual to be open and honest about their symptoms and how they are happening.

Since your wife was not like this earlier, I suspect that she's harboring denial as her go-to rather than face the problem head on.

She's able to see the difference physically once you get her going, so my first instinct would be depression - and zoloft works for that, however, it will require her to open about the symptoms she experiences with it in order to figure out the proper dosage for maintenance.

And, using the baseline as she was 'before' is a start in helping to find the best combination treatment plan to help her find her new balance.

Best wishes to you as you continue this journey to recovering her well-being and improving yours.

I’ve said this before I know but therapy can be really helpful to family members in this situation. Her mental illness (it’s been pretty obvious she has way more going on than anxiety) is affecting everyone around her and it creates a kind of dysfunction for those closest to her. To me it’s similar to living with an alcoholic that way. She needs help but so does everyone closest to her, to learn how to live with someone who is mentally ill without completely turning themselves inside out to fix or accommodate her. It’s draining and can lead to a kind of codependence. I think it would be beneficial to get advice on how to live with someone with mental illness from a professional.

Just my two cents of course. I feel bad for her but man, you all are suffering right along with her and I have compassion for that struggle as much as for her struggle.

I agree with rmb, in the full picture, all of you are suffering, not just her.

In my case, family therapy was given as an option, and only one person was able to come in person, however, they had spoken with other family members and gave the therapist clarification on the way they saw what was happening.

This was added into my homework assignments over a period of three months, and made a huge difference in the approach to difficult situations as a whole.

Appreciate the comments and an update.

1. Today So far a very good day today. My wife and her friend (and me) took a nice mile and a half walk. Recall she had talked about foot problems, but they were absent. Later we went to several stores and she walked in as normal. Previously she seemed to have some agorophobia and insisted on waiting in the car. Now she is smiling and going with her friend to look at the friend's vacation house .

2. Medication To be clear the doctor had prescribed a multi-drug regimen. She had taken Prozac but refused to take a second drug be it Ambilify, Well-butrin or another one. So we could not evaluate whether the drug regimen was working, because there we did not have full compliance with the doctor's plan.

3. Issues So to my friends here with anxiety, please try to address it, because sustained anxiety and depression can morph into worse like paranoia or schizophrenia and talking to an old therapist she was not surprised it happened. And that is treated more seriously than the anxiety and depression, and her psychiatrist first question is usually are you still having bad thoughts.

But right now, am happy she is making good progress, though it can be like the stock market, with ups and downs, but hoping and praying we have some sustained progress.

3. Pushing Her friend did push her a bit, and that did seem to help.

4. Marriage Anyone is free to critique or criticize me, it's fair game and I asked for advice. But let's take separate off the table in these discussions; I'm here for the long run for better or poorer as the saying goes and I think my wife feels the same. We just have to work on addressing some demanding problems, and I'll do the best I can with the group's and professional's help.

5. Judging One thing is important and that is to not tie results too closely to actions. You can work hard and do a good job and not get good results, or do little and have success. Oscar Hammerstein, the famed producer won 8 emmies and 2 Tony awards but he posted a list of his failures in a Hollywood Press saying he's the same guy. So try to recognize that, and evaluate how you did with the resources you have, and if you do work hard you can be rewarded with success. .