Anxiety Support Group
Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...
I'm new to this group but have had anxiety for at least 15 years. It's been worse recently due to a lot of health issues going on, including a gluten intolerance that took almost a year to diagnose, and now Fibromyalgia. My boyfriend and I have been seeing a therapist because of how much this has affected our relationship-my anxiety level skyrocketed when I became too sick to go to the gym, since that is the only thing that even comes close to managing my symptoms. I also developed anxiety about having sex, thanks to bloating that was bad enough that I looked pregnant, a lot of fatigue and discomfort, and feeling like I had to in order for him to not leave me (he tells me over and over that he's not going anywhere, and he hasn't in over a year of this, but I can't get it out of my head). So basically I just started to feel worse and worse about it as time went on until that turned into actual anxiety. We're able to have "sex" but I can't take my shirt off or let him touch me more than is absolutely necessary, and basically I want him to just get it over with. Since he's a 23 year old guy he wants sex all the time, so there's a lot of tension between us right now, hence the therapy. So the therapist was asking (again) about my response when we do have sex, and what thoughts are going through my head. Apparently almost having a breakdown during sex isn't "plausible" unless I've been raped (I haven't). The tone of the rest of the appointment just felt like everything was coming down on me-like I shouldn't feel anxious when I haven't had one specific traumatic experience (despite having multiple negative experiences over a long period of time), if the problem doesn't resolve it's because I don't want to/I'm not working hard enough, etc. I just don't know what to do anymore, the person who is supposed to help me with this seems to be trivializing my problems...Sorry for the rant but had to get this out somewhere.
One of the most frustrating things is to be treated like what you are feeling is just in your head. The first time I had an anxiety attack, I had bloodwork done and was diagnosed with thyroid disease along with anxiety. I was told at the hospital that the anxiety could be from thinking about my symptoms. What they didn't understand is that thyroid disease affects the hormones and emotional state, hence the anxiety attacks. It took me a few doctors and a good counselor later to figure that out. In my case, low thyroid function = anxiety symptoms. I have learned a lot of control in the last three years but it has been a lot of work. I have had anxiety issues in the last few days after giving birth to my third child. I blame it on the lack of sleep, horrible eating habits, and changes in hormones. I am, however, going to start working on a suggested plan to hopefully learn more control over anxiety and eventually rid of it. In the meantime, I feel that this group is exactly what I needed to help me. If your therapist is not helping, maybe its time to look somewhere else. You deserve to feel listened to.
Good luck!
That person is absolutely in the wrong when they suggest that having that kind of panicked reaction to sex can only be the result of a negative experience. I never had any abuse or traumatic experiences growing up, and my partner is the most loving and patient and least pressuring person I know. However, though there was never a reason to be uncomfortable, I started to panic when sex was initiated because I couldn't shake the fear that my body wouldn't be "ready" quickly enough - I'd become terrified that my partner would be disappointed or would get upset, I'd start fearing pain, and before I knew it I'd started dreading sex altogether. The anti-anxiety meds I eventually began taking helped to curb that panic, so I know that it was just an outlet for my anxiety.
I've seen a few different therapists, and it's been clear that some of them put a lot of focus and weight on childhood experiences, while others focus on other theories of development and memory that influence their analysis of your sessions. It sounds like you're seeing someone who puts every single one of their eggs in that basket. What you need is a better listener to help you to develop coping mechanisms to ease that anxiety.
The other thing is that, if you are a woman, your ability to be sexually aroused is very dependent on your emotional state. It's harder for women who are stressed and anxious to have sex. This is probably evolutionary and is well-documented.
I think you shouldn't worry so much about having sex with your boyfriend right now. You are fighting anxiety and addressing that needs to be a primary concern. Take care of yourself and the rest will follow. For me, therapy, yoga, meditation, CBT, and improving my diet and sleep have helped the most. I had to take a time out from my life to some extent to address all my issues but it was worth it. I learned not to put to much pressure on myself to be perfect.
I think in a relationship when one person is going through a hard time, it's the partner's responsibility to provide whatever support you need during that time. This includes easing the pressure to "perform" when you don't feel up to it.
I was sexually abused as a child and I do have many issues with sex (all that you mention and more) but for 34 years I had no idea what caused my anxiety or my issues with sexuality. I had repressed all memories of the abuse so if any therapist had said to me "you must have been raped or abused" I would have thought they were wrong.
The fact is, even if you did have something traumatic in your past that is now materializing in issues with sex, you will not feel safe enough to remember them with this therapist. If you get a new therapist and focus on you, and only you, then I am sure you will find the root cause of your anxiety and issues with sex. And it could be as simple as some of the things mentioned by other posters here and not as traumatic as sexual abuse or rape.
Take care
With everything that's going on, the anxiety makes total sense. And often-times, from what I've heard, a lot of the physical illnesses aggravate the anxiety and vice versa.
And being uncomfortable with sex or tearing up/crying? If that's happening, it makes sense to look at why and see if you can find an answer together with your partner.
Differing sex drives are very common and incredibly frustrating for everyone. Not sure what you both are open to in that department but a couples therapist probably isn't specialist enough. Perhaps there is a sex therapist who works with people struggling with chronic illness?