Anxiety Support Group

Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...

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Stressful times

Brooke911
Brooke911

Over the last couple of weeks I have felt my stress and anxiety levels rising. I am not one for confortation so I just tend to bottle things up. My biggest thing is my home life. I rent my spare bedroom out to a 25 year old mother and her 10 yr old son. We recently changed around a little alcove that I had into a room for him.  Upon them moving in some of the questions I had asked were those based on drug uses and partying. I live a quiet peaceful life. I have my 4 dogs. I go to work, come home, hang out with my dogs and when  I want I go out. I don't tend to have people over because when I am ready for them to leave I want them to go. As of lately it's been like a revolving door at my house. She has people come and go. She doesn't do much cleaning around the house. She smokes weed. Rent is due on the 1st I have to keep asking for it and don't normally get it till the 8 or 9th. Again. All of that is not ok. She has recently begun seeing someone and has started to have them stay the night. Her rent includes her and her son. Not anyone else. I have no desire for another roommate. I briefly talked to her about it and she agreed that we needed to sit down and just talk some things through. A part of me is frustrated because I don't feel that there is anything to talk through. Respect the house rules. I watch her son for her a couple days a week and lately it's been that he has been with me more than her. He is a nice kid but very manipulative. Maybe all of this makes no sense. Truth of the matter is from what I have gathered of her I am not going to be surprised if we don't ever talk about it. She is one of those " let's do this" type of people and doesn't follow through with it. Help me? I am so stressed. Tired and stressed.

iloverabbits
iloverabbits
Oh dear. She needs to understand the stress she's putting you through and that this isn't what you thought you were agreeing to when you allowed them to move in.

All the things you find stressful need to end, now, or she needs to go.

You don't need to deal with her or her son. You could find a different roommate whose lifestyle is more in keeping with yours. You could also airbnb the space. You don't need to be subjected to this stress.
arfie
arfie
You make good sense to me, Brooke. Given how crazy I am, that might not be a good thing, but I'll take it a step further and validate the anxiety you are feeling over it. I have never been unduly afraid of confrontation and that would be tough, even for me.

My comfort zone with confrontation has given me a psycho balancing need to insert a little more thought before I open my hyper-expressive mouth and make the greatest speech I'll ever regret. Sharing about ^it^ within my therapy network before I act sure helps with that process. My calmer brothers and sisters-in-healing tell me that sharing helps them find the confidence to speak up.

Keep sorting, Brooke. Your answers are in there. Gentle support while you sort.
Brooke911
Brooke911
We kind of briefly talked about things. I came home to a semi cleaned house. And by that I mean she cleaned the kitchen and the bathroom. Which like I told her I don't expect her to clean the entire house but the common areas which we all use I expect some help. So I am glad to see that. I just want things to be calm. I wish I didn't have to rent out the bedroom but I need the extra money. I did say that next time I rent it out that it'll be more to someone my age and lifestyle. I just want things to calm and settle down. so bad.
arfie
arfie
For what it's worth:
I have come to accept my own wishes for a calm and settled life as unrealistic. The closest I came to achieving that calm and settled life were so mind-numbingly boring that it felt worse than the dysfunctional chaos I was raised with. Oh, for the love of balance. . .

A decade or three ago, I adopted the philosophy that expectations are pre-meditated resentments. I shifted the focus from my chaos-nurtured expectations to working with what Life cares to send me on Life's own terms. It's not about being perfect. It's about working it out.

I'm celebrating the clean kitchen and bathroom for you. Sounds like good progress I often wish for with my own roomies.
PhotoNut
PhotoNut
It's very normal to feel stressed over a situation like this. It sounds like you have been very clear about the rules of your place and what you've shared doesn't sound unreasonable. Especially the 'no drugs' rule. Would it help to have and discuss with her a plan (and have her sign it after you go over it with her) for violating the rules; for instance, maybe she gets three documented warnings and after that she will have to find a new place to live? Also, if it's too hard to confront on your own, do you have a friend who would be there with you when you do need to talk to her about the rules? Most rentals have guidelines so it doesn't seem unreasonable at all for you to, as well. I'm glad that she has responded well to your recent communication. I'm hoping that it will work out for the best, either way, for your peace of mind.
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