Anxiety Support Group
Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...
My stepson, who is staying with us for the summer is refusing to go to Prague this weekend, just like he's refused to do almost every other activity we've suggested but constantly complains he's bored. It's making me want to tear my hair out!
I know it might seem strange to some people in this group, but traveling actually soothes my anxiety and I look forward to these trips which bring a lot of relief to me. They are a way for me to get out of my head for awhile.
I suppose this is normal for a 12-year-old, but I'm still pretty inexperienced with being a step parent and my husband and I seem to have very little authority. The other thing is that my husband and I have had some huge challenges to our relationship over the years, one of them being the active hatred that his ex has injected into all of our interactions with his kids. I keep thinking perhaps there's more to all this resistance on his part, but my husband thinks I'm overreacting.
I don't know, but after years of anxiety and stress trying to make this relationship work, I'm experiencing a new feeling. I feel numb and ambivalent about everything and I feel like an outsider in my own house. And when I think about this weekend and especially the possibility that we will just stay home cooped up in the house because of my stepson, I want to run away from home.
I know it might seem strange to some people in this group, but traveling actually soothes my anxiety and I look forward to these trips which bring a lot of relief to me. They are a way for me to get out of my head for awhile.
I suppose this is normal for a 12-year-old, but I'm still pretty inexperienced with being a step parent and my husband and I seem to have very little authority. The other thing is that my husband and I have had some huge challenges to our relationship over the years, one of them being the active hatred that his ex has injected into all of our interactions with his kids. I keep thinking perhaps there's more to all this resistance on his part, but my husband thinks I'm overreacting.
I don't know, but after years of anxiety and stress trying to make this relationship work, I'm experiencing a new feeling. I feel numb and ambivalent about everything and I feel like an outsider in my own house. And when I think about this weekend and especially the possibility that we will just stay home cooped up in the house because of my stepson, I want to run away from home.
Also, have you discussed with your spouse the idea of utilizing authority and telling this 12yr old "We ARE going to Prague." I can't believe he'd just hate it once he got there. He may find himself begrudgingly admitting that it's pretty cool. If the trip to Prague is cancelled simply because the 12yr old vetoes it, I feel like he is being given far too much control. It's hard and there are no easy answers, especially since the ex is probably the catalyst for much of it. Remember his loyalty feels divided and he may feel an 'obligation' to be difficult toward you to please the ex. And I second what the other person said about reading a nice book.
The feelings that you are experiencing now (the numbness, etc.) those are depression symptoms. I am just now figuring this out by working through the Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Depression. Those symptoms are ways that are mind tells us that something in your life is not right. That something in your fundamental belief system is not working correctly. I deal with depression by going numb and pushing people away, so I understand that feeling. You need to speak with your husband since that seems to be the relationship that is an issue. You want him to be more authoritative over his kids and take your side and support you, etc.
Feeling this way in your situation is normal. The stepson seems to be seeing how much he can control all of the lives around him. Don't let him have that much power. Some is fine, like picking out what he wants to eat, wear, watch on tv, etc. but not whether or not you get to go somewhere. Remember...you are the parent now too. : ) Just make sure your husband is on board with all of your decisions first so there is not any backlash.
At the end of the day he is your husbands son. Your husband needs to work out whatever issues are going on with him and you need to do what makes you happy. lol I am pretty sure your husband wouldn't be very happy with his son if you went on vacation anyways lol.
I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be a step parent. I agree with the others who have suggested that it's your husband's place to figure out how to "deal with" his son. I'm sure that he feels torn between wanting to spend quality time with his children and the desire to be a good parent (which obviously often means making said children mad). A sulky pre-teen with divorced parents is unlikely to become better behaved through those tough teen years.
Would it be at all possible for you to do some traveling on your own? Perhaps not terribly far, but if your stepson refuses to go and your husband gives in, could you go ahead yourself and have a calm weekend away?
I know this still sends a signal that things are negotiable but I think this is a pattern he has with his mom that won't be undone overnight and certainly not by me.
One good thing is we went over to a bbq tonight and there was another kid there. They hit it off so we're going to arrange for them to hang out again.
Crispymomma, I know this is depression. I've been fighting it off for awhile and the deeper issues causing it have more to do with my husband and I than with his stepson.
In a nutshell, you tell them what you're doing instead of trying to get them to do what you want them to do. So, "I'll be happy to return your Playstation after we have a good trip to Prague." "I'll be happy to pick up (foods he likes) as soon as your room is clean."
That way, he can clean his room or not. He can go to Prague or not.
And since he can't be left alone when you go, you might find someone to stay with him who will have him doing yard work, cleaning, etc. So that next time you're going on a trip, he may be more cooperative.
You can't control him, but you can tell him what you're willing to do. Parents have far more leverage than they think they do. Teens want greater freedom - to learn to drive, to go places with friends, have a later curfew. You can use these things as rewards and the bonus is that he will learn skills he needs to be a responsible adult.
It'd be best, of course, if you and your husband agree on techniques so you can back one another up.
If you want this child to go with you on travels, ask him what he'd like to do and be sure to work in some things to make it fun for him. Help him to locate some fun activities he wants to do.
If you'd prefer he not go, you might arrange for him to stay with his mother or get a sitter.
I understand where my husband is coming from but personally I think it's really damaging to a kid to be given that much power. I COMPLETELY agree with you, Reed. I think there should be consequences and rewards at all times.
It's just that, as the occasional stepmother I have no power at all in the situation. This really has to come from my husband. I think at least I'll suggest that book to him. ... thanks for the recommendation.
I think my husband has taken my concerns to heart. More or less, he stood firm whenever ss started complaining about wanting to go home. Is this kid overindulged or is every twelve-year-old this difficult? I'm not a mom, so I don't know, although I feel like my husband's kids have been allowed to call the shots most of their life. It makes them kind of horrible to deal with!