Since she knows that she has GAD, is she getting any professional help for it? Does she see a therapist about her anxiety, and for her anger issues? Is she seeing a psychiatrist for possibly going on anti anxiety medications?

I am sure it is difficult for you at times, being the partner of someone with anxiety issues. Anxiety can manifest into different things, but not really anger. Anger, in my opinion, comes from a general feeling of loss of control in one's life or from a situation, along with frustration and unhappiness. (For example, is she unhappy with her work... it sounds like?).

But if the anger is leading to lashing out in the wrong way, such as on to you, then that can be something that can be worked on. Therapy for her would be one way to work on it.

The good news... is that anger issues are easier to fix than anxiety issues.

She can stop or cut down on the caffeine or pot, if either of you think it is making things worse. (Funny, but my anxiety therapist actually was the one that got me started drinking coffee on a daily basis! It does not affect my anxiety in any way... I am not sure why. I need that coffee energy boost, so I drink it every day and it also puts me in a good mood).

I know it's hard for you, but encourage her to either talk to a therapist, and/or see a psychiatrist for anti anxiety medications. The medication will mellow her out, too.

Do not let her blame anxiety for her lashing out at you. The two do not have to go together, and it will cause problems in your relationship. (I have had anxiety disorder for almost 25 years and I do not have anger issues). Sit down and have a talk with her. Tell her you want her to get better and will she go to therapy and a psychiatrist?

For what it’s worth, I can understand her anxiety, but it is not fair to take it out on you. Living with someone who has anxiety is difficult, the partner suffers somewhat along with the one with anxiety under “normal” circumstances. I’m speaking from experience here. Maybe it’s time to have a heart to heart talk with the partner and lay your cards on the table. If the partner isn’t in treatment, maybe that’s an avenue to discuss. Anxiety is treatable if the person is willing to get the necessary help and do the required mental work.

Welcome to anxiety board at DS.

You've taken the important first step in writing it out.

Now, I'm going to say something that is important for you to remember as you heal. You take care of you first, put your well-being first, and figure out what works to keep your balance better.

You are responsible for yourself. You are responsible for what you say, do, react, respond. You are NOT responsible for what anyone else says, does, reacts, and responds. You change your response to fit your well-being, and their usual response will no longer fit, and it may get worse before it gets better, it will change.

Anxiety is natural. Anxiety is a helper. Anxiety works with feelings, which come from within. That means you are responsible and control what happens with your anxiety reaction.

Your first step is to stop, pause, breathe, choice, and repeat until you are thinking clearly so you can 'do thinking'.

When a relationship is so out of balance that you are putting everything ahead of you, it becomes impossible to feel good about any choice you are making, because you're not making it for yourself.

Best wishes as you find your better balance.

Hello Tawanda. Welcome to DS. Your username has me wondering if you are another "Fried Green Tomatoes" fan. I love the movie almost as much as I love the Southern delicacy.

Anyhoo. . .

I'm another who habitually represses anxiety until it causes volcanic eruptions (anger). I would have an entirely different response for your partner, but for you I will join the choir about taking care of yourself and letting your partner do likewise. In the 12 step programs we might ply the slogan, "Live and Let Live." It erodes my confidence something fierce when the love of my life treats me like a DIY fix-it project. It gives me the confidence to keep trying when he gives me votes of confidence instead of constant, non-stop advice and demands from his superior, unflawed perspective.

For what it's worth
Pot is now a respected medication for anxiety, legal in all but 14 states. It calms me considerable. Ditto for coffee. I have a hyper-active metabolism and stimulants have been proven to have a calming effect for my condition. Coffee is far gentler than the standard pharmaceutical prescriptions.

I respond to my husbands questions with anger when I am very anxious.
I'm trying to work on that. I have had therapy from a place that specializes in Anxiety disorders and substance abuse. I am also on Prozac. It's been a great help. Journaling when you are upset also helps. That way you don't take your feelings out on another person.

Personally, I don’t think coffee and pot are really adding to the behavior. In fact trying to eliminate those things may be adding to the anxiety. But that’s just my opinion. She would be able to say what it’s doing to her. And she can decide for herself whether to eliminate or decrease those things.

I think how you help her is to either ask her if she wants your help and what that looks like or just let her figure her stuff out. It’s not yours to figure out really. It’s completely ok to tell her, hey not acceptable to direct your anger on me. I mean in all relationships we can misdirect frustration, anger, whatever. It happens. When it’s constant though, set a boundary. Having anxiety doesn’t give someone a blanket pass to be an a-hole.

Thanks everyone for your input, that really helps! First, she is in therapy but it's more a generalized therapy, not specifically for anxiety. I think she should start focusing a bit more on her anger issues in therapy, because that is where my concern about how she deals with anxiety comes from-- I wouldn't care if the anger didn't happen as much.

Some of you say coffee and pot helps, which I understand, but when she stopped drinking coffee for a few months, she said she felt less anxious, so that's what I am going by. Again, I can't control what she does.

@arfie- yes, I am a Fried Green Tomatoes fan, the book and the movie!

@rmb- I know it's not mine to figure out-- but after 10 years of this, it's hard to to get into "fix it mode" to try to deal with it. I have already told her that she shouldn't direct her anger towards me.

Thanks everyone for your support, and I will mention to her next time she is about to go to the therapist that it would help me if she discussed her anger.

so, I know someone who lashes out as their depression and anxiety increase. I just had to say it very clearly to them--with consequences....ie--"stop talking to me like that or you will need to leave..." and "ok--get out--get out now-leave, I have no interest in fighting with you..leave" and he did--looking very shocked. another time when he was getting louder and louder--I told him he wasn't right just because he wasn't louder; and I wasn't afraid of him--and he needed to go. He was so shocked that I thought he was trying to frighten me.. He really had no idea what he looked like or how he was coming off. it is possible your partner doesn't have any idea how bad she has gotten. blaming it on her anxiety is not ok--that's like abuser talk--"I'm sorry I hit you--I was so drunk--I didn't know what I was doing..." but takes no action to fix it.