With all the stuff that's happened this month that I've explained (and more) I've been really stressed and REALLY depressed. It's gotten so bad that, when I watched Doctor Who, I barely even cracked a smile. I'm usually smiling the entire time and pointing out things I see.

We went to the funeral of my friend's mom. I woke up this morning not feeling that great and with a lot of Anxiety. I still went so I could support my friend. She's been pretty happy and has been laughing a lot and I'm told it's because that's her way of handling with grief. When we went to her house the day her mom passed, (They had called us crying and told us the news), when we got there, she was laughing and joking around about death and other stuff and her mom was in the other room. It really disturbed me. Her dad and brother were really upset and every so often her dad would walk in and say something. We were on the phone with another friend and he walked in saying they had just taken her mom away. All my friend said was "We're on call". I could see how sad he was about losing his wife and I was really worried that she had accidentally made it a little harder for him. Anyway, at the funeral, after they gave talks and sang and stuff like that (we were sitting by eachother holding eachother during it), my friend turned to me and hugged me and then she cried silently for about 30 seconds to a minute. I did my best to comfort her but I felt guilty that I was thinking of her crying as a step forward.

I had a Sensory and Emotional Overload at the funeral so I was really quiet the entire time and the entire time at her house. Either I didn't know what to say or I was turning non-verbal for a bit. I don't know. There were some moments where I had to stop myself from crying due the overloads and due to what's going on with my other friend who this friend knows but doesn't know what she's doing. I hope this makes sense.

When we got home, my mom was told that her "Blue Grandma" (Her friend's grandma) had passed away last week and she wasn't told because they knew what my mom was going through. It's tough to have my mom be so sad. I didn't even see her cry at her dad's Celebration of Life (He didn't want a funeral). I think today was the first time I actually saw my mom have a really hard time not crying. With her dad, she knew for about a year that he was going. With my friend's mom, everyone knew she was going to go soon, we just didn't know when so her passing was kind of unexpected.

I'm also feeling really guilty about a fear I have. I am convinced it's Necrophobia, the fear of dead bodies. When we got to my grandma's house after we heard my grandpa was fading fast, my grandma opened the door and said "I'm so sorry. He just passed away." He had passed literally one minute before we got there. I was so scared that they would lead us downstairs to see him. I feel so guilty. My grandpa had just passed away and I was scared I had to see his dead body.

The same thing happened this month. When we got to my friend's house to comfort them, her mom was still there. My friend opened the door and I had her come outside to get a hug from me. Then she led us inside and I started to have an internal panic attack. She asked me if I was okay and I asked her if we could go to her room. She ended up having to comfort me when we had came to comfort her. I even had thoughts about not going to the funeral because I was so scared they were going to have a viewing. They didn't. 

I feel so uncaring, rude, and selfish. No one knows my fear. I hide it well. But this fear is ruining me.

I ended up having to leave my friend's house early because I started getting sick when we went on a walk. I don't think I'll be able to go to church tomorrow. Both physically and emotionally. My older sister is in California for a concert and my twin sister doesn't wake up and go to church and I am too scared to go to Sunday School alone. I know it may be something I need. But I don't want to start crying in front of everyone. I don't want to have to talk about this week in front of everyone. I need someone not in my family to talk to in person but I can't go to the one place that guarantees that. I've already found out today that I won't be able to go to Girl's Camp. I'm too much of an emotional wreck. But now I'm scared that if I don't go to church to somehow explain to a leader (which would take a miracle) then everyone will judge and think that I'm too selfish and I'm leaving the church. My older sister would help me in so many ways but she's not even in the same state as me. My mom has to teach a class, and I think my dad does also. My twin sister has no empathy.

My dad got a very generous paycheck. He doesn't usually get a lot of money because he is self-employed, plus a toy carpenter (for toy soldiers), plus an artist. I got to see how much money he got. Because I know we struggle with earning money, I want my parents to only spend money if they have to, but they keep on talking about getting this, fixing that, replacing these. I've been begging my parents for an Emotional Support Dog my entire life but I don't want to ask them because I don't want to be selfish and I want them to save money. But they're going to spend it all! I know that I need to see a doctor and I will in about two weeks, but I'm so scared the money will be wasted because he can't answer my one burning question. I know I probably need a therapist but I don't want them to spend so much money on me if they could save it and build up our empty savings account again. (I just realized I eavesdrop too much. And yet another sign that I might have Autism.)

Ah, Autism. You might never go away. I keep finding more and more and more and more evidence that I have Autism. My parents don't believe me, especially my dad. I might be able to prove to him that my research counted for something when I see that doctor when we go up to Utah, but I'm not sure if it will work or not.

Utah. My parents are sending my sister and I up to Utah. We will be spending time with my dad's mom, and then my mom's mom. Then probably my cousins. There are multiple things wrong about this, though. My twin sister doesn't speak to my dad at all and there is no doubt that she LOATHES him. But the only way for us to see the doctor I've been needing to see for two years is if we drive up to Utah with our dad. Alone. My mom is hosting Summer Camps and wouldn't be able to go with us. The only way my sister would come to Utah is if my mom came. But if we go with my mom, we can't see the doctor. If we go with our dad, my sister my not come at all and I might be staying in Utah all by myself for a month. I would be with family, but my dad's mom is old and I'm so scared something would happen to her or she would judge me because she's not a very happy grandma all the time. If I go to my cousin's house, I'm going to be weirded out. I haven't seen them in two years so I'm scared about how tall they'll be and how much their personalites have changed. Also, my uncle kind of acts like a parent to me instead of an uncle and it creeps me out.

I'm sorry this is a lot. There is a lot going on with us. I'm so anxious, depressed, confused, and angry all at once. Anxious about the trip and church. Depressed about the dogs leaving, my gerbil passing, my friend's mom passing, the possibility I might lose my best friend. Confused about everything about everything. And angry at my friend for threatening to end our relationship and me for being so selfish and my twin sister for being so horrible to our Dad.

I really don't know how to handle all this at once.