I don’t think I’ve ever fully realized what honest to goodness stop you in your tracks pace the floor strike terror in your heart anxiety “ regular” people think feels like.
I really don’t until a callous remark from my husband who’s been experiencing my mental breakdown as of late. Just now he said it And it isn’t the first time It’s just that I noticed it this time
Who when we were living apart in different states I would talk to him on the phone for hours screaming into the phone with my anxiety that I was in hell & that I was terrified to leave the apt that was my prison to walk to the mailbox.
who was driving me to the airport while in the grips of a full on anxiety attack that made me irrational( my daughter said to him..G-d dad.cant you see she’s terrified?)
How I moved to a new state all by myself to live “near” my brother & my mother(& away from my husband & children)& that I fell apart being all alone in a state where you HAVE to drive & ive been too terrified to drive in the past 10 years?And how my brother hardly speaks to me anymore bc I moved back home after all he did for me.
About why I couldn’t hold a job after 20 something years out of the work force(& a lack of any computer skills)?
My 82 year old mothers anger at having to come get me to take me to group therapy & my pdoc who were both 3 miles down the road from where I lived?How I called her every morning in a panic bc I couldn’t figure out how to dress myself & feel normal?When I finally agreed to Uber there & she’d pick me up my thumbs shaking so violently it would take me 20 minutes to call an Uber & even then I was convinced I’d put in the wrong address..oh I could go on.My point is they ALL WITNESSED IT.THEY WALKED ME THRU IT but they just didn’t get it Apparenly I’m “ difficult” “ ungrateful” etc etc
Medication has effectively reduced my surface anxiety so that some days I think I may longer have any “ abnormal” anxiety..that I’m just depressed But I know my anxiety still exists Ive done 1or2 little things lately I consider a step in the right direction but for the most part I’ve surrendered
I've been working on mindfulness and positive attitude for several months now.I feel better. But somewhat tence each day. Especially when I know somethingIs coming up. But the things coming up are minor. I have to drive to psychiatristoffice in Wednesday. Only mild anxiety about that. Saturday, we have picnicat husband friends house. And it's a hell of a lot better than I expected it...
A situation that happens with me, is that my mind fractures a great deal, and then it feelslike I have a new identity to deal with - and to know. It's very frustrating and disorienting.I spend a lot of time building myself up - and the process is exhausting. My family membersare all super achievers - and I - though I used to achieve a lot more - have found myself nowwithout a lot of drive. This...