Anxiety Support Group

Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...

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sunshineblondie 11/08/2011

I had an abnormal test result a few months ago, that sent me in a downward spiral. I broke up with my boyfriend, distanced myself from my friends, BUT I became closer with my family in this time.

However, since I got the abrormal test result I have become infatuated/obsessed with reading about various topics online, and having weird and uncomfortable thoughts in my head. Such as, acquiring HIV or other STD's( HIV got the most attention thus far), ( I read transmission rates, every article just about, even checked the support group on here) and then on Friday I looked at myself in the mirror and wondered what I would look like in a casket, if a mortician would do my makeup like I do. I also have been thinking, what if I kill myself. Who would come to my funeral, what if I just ran my car off the road, what if I walked into oncoming traffic, what if I took pills, what if I had access to a firearm. What would I do if I were in those situations?

I obviously have not walked into oncoming traffic, nor taken pills. The thought alone SCARES me. I truly believe that they were brought on because I read the side effects of Celexa, and I am 24 yo and fall into the increased suicide thoughts category. I just replaced my obsession with HIV to another morbid thought. I know I have control over my actions, but will they ever go away? I am giving my thoughts power also, by trying to resist them. I have talked with many family members about these thoughts, all of which are praying they subside. I do have a therapist I am meeting with tonight.

It's like I keep obsessing over irrational fears. I do not want to die, nor do I want to acquire HIV, but who does?

sunshineblondie 11/08/2011

I also wanted to add I have a fear of being alone, it's almost like if I am around people at all times I know I won't do anything. I have been alone alot since these thoughts came, and I haven't done anything. Nor is anything planned out, I just want these demented thoughts out of my head!!!!

deleted_user 11/08/2011

I can relate in a way...I have the "what if" thoughts quite a bit too...I get these images in my head of me jumping off a bridge or something to that affect...I'd never do it, and it makes me scared that I think it...but it just pops up. I hope you find some clarity with your therapist this evening, or at least feel better talking about it. It's scary, I know. Best wishes!

sunshineblondie 11/08/2011

Thank you, I hope so too. I am just trying to live one day at a time. I also try to think back to a couple months ago when the world was my oyster. I am so far away from that now. I find very little comfort in things that I used to love. I don't understand how it can be switched like a light switch from off to on in a matter of months. Its very discouraging. I want to get better so bad, I know this is all happening for a reason and when I beat it I'm going to be a better person, probably nothing like I was, but way better.

Matt219 11/08/2011

I can relate as well. I believe that when people are going through rough times, especially when it comes to their health, they begin to question their own mortality and how fragile it can be. This can lead to unhealthy and scary thoughts. I too have thought of things like this. I think it's normal considering the circumstances. The real issue is whether people act on these thoughts or not and it sounds like you are a strong person who can keep the thoughts as just that, thoughts. I hope the therapy helps you and I hope you can work through these thoughts in a healthy way.

deleted_user 11/08/2011

I can't understand why you would think it's a STD/HIV unless you were having these tests due to unprotected sex with multiple partners. Or was it just your yearly? Talk to your doctor or a therapist about these feelings. These are often intrusive thoughts of depression. If the world was your oyster a couple of months ago, it can be again in a relatively short time. But take the steps now so you don't become mired in these thoughts. As for the tests, do not worry, I don't know what the abnormality in the results is, but I hope it can be corrected to full resolution. Feel better and take care.

sunshineblondie 11/08/2011

My abnormal result was a yearly. Yes I've had unprotected sex with partners, more than I care to admit (4) which is too many because I'm not married, however I am free of HIV according to my last test. I do not know what the future holds, I know I'm in control for the most part, it still was an obsession. I express ALL of my thoughts to my therapist, disregarding possible embarassment. It's only going to help me. I felt overwhelming guilt for putting myself in that position that we are working on too. I just have a very hard time sorting thru my thoughts. I am very eager to get better. Thanks for the thoughts.

deleted_user 11/08/2011

Time heals, and it sounds like you're heading into very healing work in therapy. Hang in there and keep up the awesome work. You're gonna come out on the other side feeling great, and the world will be your oyster once more. ;-)

deleted_user 11/08/2011

Just the past weekend I was on the interstate with my family..and I had this random thought...what if I just swerve real hard and kill us all at 75 mph!! I immediately took my foot off the gas and backed out of the hammer lane and into the turtle lane. That is not the fist time I'd had a thought like that....I've had them many times. I have had thought of killing all sorts of people, even myself, in various different ways. Thing is.....it always scares me to think like this....I wouldn't hurt a flea. OCD Bites

sunshineblondie 11/08/2011

Just got home from therapy, she is truly a godsend. She isn't convinced I have ocd, just analytical/anxiety/depression cocktail that is showing its face in this matter. She told me to observe the thoughts just as you would watch a sailboat on the beach. Not to go swim to the sailboat and take it for a ride. She has fun little analogies(sp?) to look @ things. Definately thinks I am depressed from my anxiety but I feel calm tonight. I even joked around with my family when I got home. I've missed that. :). She also told me when I'm feeling overwhelmed with thoughts think of my 'bliss' which is the things that make me feel safe such as God, family, my home, the sunshine etc. I am feeling relieved that therapy seems to be working.

deleted_user 11/08/2011

Good news to hear sunshine! Have you tried EFT yet? That is free and you tap on meridian points on your hand, face, and collar bone. I have found it very helpful and I know others on this site have too.

You would start off with taking a deep breath, and thinking about your problem (fear/anxiety). You would rate it 1-10 with 10 being the highest. Then you tap on the meridian points and say "Even though I have this problem/fear/anxiety, I love and accept myself" Go to you tube and type EFT and you will see all the tons of it they have out there. Good luck!

deleted_user 11/09/2011

I'm happy to hear that your therapy really helped last evening! :) I hope you continue to feel better! Have a great day today.

deleted_user 11/09/2011

I am not scared of HIV anymore. Used to be scared and spent bunch of money on testing on everything possible. There is 10 years you can live with HIV and by than they might find treatment from it. I am terrified that my own head can kill me much sooner with more suffering.

deleted_user 11/09/2011

Why would consider suicide anyway if your profile showing that you are feeling OK?
I am going through horrors of hell every day. While those people who can live want suicide and those who can not live want to live? Mistery of the nature. I do not even read sideeffects on anything anymore though I used to be very healthconcheus. Celexa is not hardest staff they can give you. Read about sideeffects on Azaleptin for example.

sunshineblondie 11/09/2011

Never would I consider it persay, I just was scared of the morbid thoughts. Absolutely terrified. My therapist said those thoughts are often brought on by a phobia which I've always been scared of dying, which makes sense.

deleted_user 11/09/2011

Shit, after I googled OCD out of curiosity, I realized i have it. FML

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