hi.. i have no idea what is going on so this might not be the right place to post this. but anxiety is the closest thing i've been able to relate what i'm experiencing to, so i'm going to start here for now.

for over a week now, i've gotten these long moments during the day where life doesn't feel real anymore. it feels like i'm living a dream. my mind feels asleep. it feels like there's a screen or fog over my eyes and i can't focus or see through it. it feels like my vision is blurry, just like in a dream. i desperately want to wake up but i can't. i'm just going through the motions. i'm on autopilot. i'm still here but it's from a distance, like i'm watching life happen and i'm not involved in it. i still participate and can control what i do, mostly relying on old habits and knowing what i'm supposed to do, but it doesn't feel like i'm there, presently participating in life.

when people talk about this relating to anxiety, it seems like it only happens during times of intense stress or during panic attacks. but this will happen for hours at a time each day. when this happens it also feels like my senses are dulled. i can't hear as well, can't feel things, can't smell, and can't taste. i'm so scared that i'm dying.

there's also this constant pressure in the bottom of my left lung. it feels like something is pushing or crawling in my lung.

i started smoking weed in january and the week this started i smoked 4 times that week, which was the most i ever did in a week. i also got in a huge fight with an abusive ex-boyfriend, and we finally cut each other off for good. like blocked on social media, blocked his number, everything. i didn't feel happy or sad about that happening, i kind of just felt nothing. i thought i would feel relief, but it was literally nothing. i was just so over all the fights and bs with him. at first when this feeling started happening, i thought it was just the stored THC getting into my bloodstream again or something. but now that it's been happening for 9 days straight i know that's not the case.
i didn't smoke again for an entire week after it started, just to rule out the weed being the problem. i smoked again on day 7 of it happening and it was more of a relief from the feeling than a contribution to it.

i'm trying to get my health care set up and see a doctor and everything, but until then, am i going to be okay? nobody understands what the fuck i'm feeling and i'm so scared. i cry every night just from thinking about it. i also cry at anything that makes me sad, pretty much at the drop of a hat. i'll get these sudden bursts of happiness and energy too, where i get positive about it. i'll try to entertain myself, dance and sing and just distract myself from the feeling.

its been making me very lazy too. it'll get to the point where i can't even bear trying to entertain myself and fight through it, so i'll just start crying again and watch tv or play games on my phone until i feel like its passed. i hate doing this, i feel like such a disappointment to myself, because i have a lot to do everyday and i can't afford to waste my time like that on some stupid mental problem.
it's seriously been interfering with my daily life, especially at work. i'm so confused, my reactions are slower, and i can't hear or understand what people are telling me as well. i guess in a way its good, because i've been working extra hard to make sure i thoroughly understand what people are asking of me, and appearing like i'm a good worker. actually today was a good work day, but that doesn't change the fact that my mind feels like it's actually in hell.
my new semester of classes is starting tomorrow and there is no way i will be able to pass my classes if i have to deal with this every day.