Pfft. I never really cared about the "things" people say.

I don't think about getting "over" things, but more about finding ways to work around them. The thing happened, I can't change it, but I don't have to always sit there staring at it. Nor do I have to force myself to never look at it. Balance.

It's going to be there if I look or not. So when I find myself really really sad, I'll make a deal to look away for 2 minutes. Then check back...yup still there...didn't get worse, didn't get better. Then look away for another 2 minutes. Sort of becomes a habit. Eventually I can get where I check in once a day.

That's just what works for me.
Best of luck figuring out what works for you,
Patti

You just learn to live with broken off chips in your heart. Some chips are big chucks some are minor cracks. It's like living with a broken heart. You can still laugh and live your life but you feel different inside.

First, take a moment to understand grief's hold on your heart, your memories, your thoughts. Then, consider the first wave of grief is like tsunami, then it comes in waves crashing over your head, then as strong waves that knock you off your feet. There are moments where you will feel the moment as powerful as it was when you first heard. What you gain from understanding that you have strength to help you move through, and follow through with the good moments those grief happenings give you. Closure is one way for people to accept that change happens, whether we do or not. It does not mean you do not feel. It just means you endure it, smile, and carry on, cherishing those special moments.
And, slamming the door is understanding that you are still in grieving for your loss with the wife leaving "without warning" and your dad "horrible dying pain". Those happened, what you can change is how you react to your thought process in coping with both events. I suspect that as you find your new balance, you will learn the little pieces that were clues as to your wife's changing attitude, feelings, and acceptance of marriage rules. When we first get notice that change happens, we have to accept our feelings are valid, and that as we change, those feelings will become part of our change. It's up to us how we use those feelings to improve our well-being.
When a parent dies, and "horrible pain" is part of the natural process of the circle of life, it becomes necessary to add pleasant moments when we process the pain of the ending.
You are not alone, and know that you're stronger than you realize.

Closure is a myth. Some things we never get over, but hopefully we learn to live with them more easily over a prolonged period of time! Allow yourself to be angry, and accept that there will be periods that feel like you're making progress, and then periods that feel like set backs. Don't strive for closure, because you will always be disappointed. Instead strive for moments -- just moments -- of peace, and hope that those moments of peace outweigh the others.

YOU ARE SO RIGHT LIBBY! We are not computers that can be shut off and unplugged. Old memories are still there and will continue to be. In my case, I do the best I can to turn things over to God. But the anger, frustration, etc., still rears its ugly head at times. There's no closure involved, only acceptance.

I agree. My father died too in a very traumatic way. Closure is not that simple; as you said, we learn to live with it. Sometimes you’re still going to feel upset about it. That feeling probably isn’t going to go away completely, at least not in this life, so we just have to hold on. Prayers <3

Closure is the state of being when a person has finally come to terms with a traumatic event. The person is able to think about or recall certain events or pivotal moments in life which caused pain and do so without becoming re-traumatized. That’s closure, it still hurts, but it doesn’t paralyze the person or send them into a depressive state. When I think of my parents dying, one in horrible pain, it’s sad, and yes, sometimes I do cry for them (for various reasons, not in my life, seeing my kids grow etc.), but I can quickly deal with those emotions without an incredible setback.

Have you ever heard of the serenity prayer?

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Regardless of your religious beliefs there are some great nuggets of wisdom there. I can’t change the way my parents died, I can’t change the fact my wife left me or cheated on me, I can’t change any outcome, I can attempt to influence a situation unfolding in front of me, but outside of that, I am powerless as whatever tragedy develops before my eyes! If you are religious, talk to your pastor, get involved in your belief! If not, find support in therapy, your friends, family, and work towards finding true closure, the state of being where the event(s) no longer has the power to set you back or send you into a depressive state! You can do it, there are better things ahead and you’re important to us!