I would suggest asking your wife where she would like to stay. Then, check in with her sister regarding if your sister has the accomodations. I think your wife would appreciate having the input on this. Communication is key in this situation!

Probably a good idea to have the hotel ready, in case you are staying there for a long time (week or more). That way, you have some alone time for you, alone time for your wife, and alone time for the two of you together.

Stay in hotel. Here's why. Space is needed when the feelings fly the entire range of up and down.

It allows for privacy, and for rest and relaxation. If you need to take a break, it's easier to leave to go to a hotel, thus giving everyone much needed space to calm down if things go haywire in a conversation.

Talk it out, knowing that you're making the decision for the hotel ahead of time (don't say it, just know it's your #1 option due to the depression after a 'up' day).

Hubs and I did this, and it was the best gift we gave ourselves.

When dealing with parents' passing issues, it is definitely a plus to have a place to be alone to assess your level of balance and take time to relax at your own pace.

With the exception of my mom, who passed away a few years ago, I always opt to stay in a hotel rather than with a family member. And I love my family.

It’s just nice to have a place to go for down time, to relax if needed. Plus you may need the respite too.

To me it doesn’t feel like a vacation if I’m staying at family member’s home.

I agree stay in hotel, space is very important. These are a lot of stressors for her to deal with. Try to be as empathetic as possible and settle on a routine. Day by day my friends.

Thanks for the input everyone. Appreciate it.

Checked into a mainline hotel which was terrible, stayed up till 2, found another and are staying in a beautiful 5 star hotel. However, my wife is generally not going down to the beach or pool and still seems depressed. She canceled a counseling session and said she wanted to "fire" her counselor.

She continues to talk about a supposed fungus that has infiltrated her body and brain, but it seems she's just describing her sunburn. We spent last weekend with her friend, a psychiatrist, who indicates any disease talk is baseless and suggested she needs to take recommended medication. My wife just takes Prozac which she calls silly, but will not take Wellbutrin recommended by psychiatrist. She looks good but thinks she looks terrible, even though she had a great self-image 30 lbs heavier. She has the ability to appear perfectly normal and well-adjusted with friends or family, but shifts her I fell terrible and I'm very ill in private.

GirlinCalif, how do you ask someone for input, when their anxiety will dominate the response, what one son calls anxiety blinders. In a down mood, whatever is described will be rejected and any suggestion gets a no or will see.

I’m no doctor but because you’re wife is mentally ill, I think the highs and lows are just something you and your family will need to come to terms with. And by that I mean, not focus everything around her illness or her. This is solely my personal opinion so it might not be the right approach but it seems like everyone tries to nudge her or rationalize with her or fret over her. Which means everyone becomes part of the illness. If she doesn’t want to go to the pool, then let her be in her room. If she doesn’t want to take her medication, I’d seek guidance from her psych or a therapist on the best approach to deal with that. I understand it’s frustrating but she’s a grown woman not a child.

By the way, I look good for my age (57) all things considered but still have days where I don’t feel great about myself. I just don’t say it out loud. So some of that might be “normal” and not necessarily be directly related to her anxiety, depression, etc.

Bobby, to answer your question... again, my background.... I have had anxiety disorder for over 25 years. I have read over 100 anxiety books, been seeing psychiatrists, done therapy and group therapy, and keep striving to get better with handling my anxiety (I've accepted by now that I won't ever be anxiety-free). I find anxiety medication to be very helpful to me, and I speak with a therapist weekly to formulate plans to achieve the goals I want to accomplish for my life going forward, even with my anxiety disorder. But, I WANT to get better, and that can be the difference.

This is not necessarily the case for everyone with anxiety. It can take a lot of hard work to get better, and not everyone feels like putting in this hard work. It can feel useless, hopeless, not worth trying, etc.

I firmly believe every person's anxiety is unique. SO much goes into any possible recovery from it. It could start with how they were raised even. My Mom had terrible anxiety and I watched her be worried, anxious, stressed out my whole life... and as a child, I soaked up her behavior like a sponge, and I thought hers was "normal behavior". I was a child, what did I know?

But, I was also instilled (probably by my Dad) to keep moving forward in life, in general, to keep striving to feel better if "sick", to keep trying to live a full and happy life.

Short answer for now, I can elaborate more later, but how was her childhood? Was she catered to, if things got tough, did siblings or her parents coddle her at all, was she not ever expected to do something she didn't think she could do or handle or want to do? I am curious about her upbringing, as anxiety can start at an early age but then reappear hugely later in life.

But to answer your question, anxiety is loosely based on - a loss of control. As anxiety sufferers, we usually feel that things are out of our hands, that things seem to be decided that we did not have input in, and that we DO want to feel more of a sense of control of our lives. At least in the decisions that affect us. That's why I suggested to ask her if she'd rather stay in a hotel or at her sister's, So she has a say in the matter (having control). It can be a step toward her gaining the empowerment toward wanting to have more and more input in decisions that directly affect her. And this can help build her confidence in that she CAN do these (anxious) things. If someone else is getting frustrated and constantly making decisions for us, I find personally that then I'll just go along with what THEY wanted for me, and maybe even harbor a little resentment toward this person that I was not consulted. That my opinion did not matter. I might agree, just to avoid an argument. But then have all this anxiety over it. All kinds of reasons to just - go along - with what everyone else thinks is best for ME. But ultimately, I would have liked, and should have, made my own choice in a particular situation, and gained some empowerment by choosing what I wanted to choose (such as your accomodations for this trip, I'm not talking about major decisions at this point).

There are just no easy solutions or magic wand or quick fix.

I know anxiety is so difficult to understand. Thank you again for helping your wife with this. I do think the right combinations of medications would be a really good start. The medications can "calm" her enough so that she feels less anxious and can think a bit more clearly. For me, I went on medication immediately, and then started to look for a therapist.

I like what GirlinCalif says about loss of control. And it also makes me wonder if your wife may be striving for a sense control and that’s why she may not want to take meds, why she sometimes just doesn’t always follow along the plan, why she changes her mind in things. What if she’s just trying to re- establish her personal agency? I’m not saying it’s not challenging and exhausting for everyone but just trying to see it through her eyes a bit,

Good comments and appreciated. Her first therapist echoed the problem of loss of control. Being in rentals and other people houses, sometimes with a variety of rules, accentuated problems.

1. Childhood or deep-seeded issues.

One of my kids suggests problems are deep-seeded but most find she was basically a happy person and had a good marriage. She was able to deal with challenges throughout her life, got consistently good reviews in a demanding healthcare position, dealt with a first divorce pretty well.

2. Medication

Medicine is a tough challenge. Her sister stated that she had a bad psychiatrist who may have suggested some form of sexual contract, and is highly skeptical of medication. When anti-depressants were suggested her sister would repetitively say, these drugs alter your brain, and are dangerous and the minute something occurred, problems are attributed to the medication even at low doses, what one therapist called reverse placebo effect.

3. Family similarities

Her sister became about 80-90 lbs overweight. Nonetheless she would repetitively refer to some issue with a tooth, and ask if that made her look funny, My wife now has these issue with a tooth or mouth fungus that my wife believes has infiltrated her body though the doctors reject the theory of any connection. Our friend the psychiatrist who grew up with my wife finds her focus on this similar to the sisters and interestingly her sister believes the supposed fungus is extremely serious.

That said, while my wife and her sister re close, her sister has had insecurities and my wife has generally gone her own way.

Some more stuff, doing the best I can and really appreciate the input from everyone.

My wife thinks the medication changed her, and helped set her off on a poor course. ,

So we went down to Florida to help gather my mom's clothes and visit a sibling. My wife went down surprisingly well, the first hotel was a disaster, and we switched to a beautiful first class one.

1. On and off

We had several dinners with my brother and my wife was surprisingly good.
She helped a lot with organizing clothes but the negativity reared its head believing that someone else had taken the good clothes and pocketbooks. Nonetheless she worked hard and was a tremendous help. My brother said she seemed to be getting better, she was made up well, and looked very good. She has good social skills and conducted herself well.

2. With me

But in the hotel there were challenges. She generally did not want to go to the pool or beach and stayed in the room for hours, sometimes walking back and forth. Before leaving for home, after dinner, we went for a couple of drinks, she seemed relaxed, the hotel bar/restaurant was beautiful and we had a great time and she seemed relaxed.

But then Cruella returned the next morning perhaps with the aftereffects of alcohol. She gave me this strange look and said "I'm not going back." What, I asked she said I don't feel good, you want me to cancel the hotel room, book another, and pay added charges which may be something like 1,500, yes she responded, I'm in no shape to travel, I don't feel good.

We have a house closing coming up and change also seems to prompt anxiety.

3. Today

We had a rescheduled flight today, not sure what would happen and she came down to the hotel lobby, dressed well and calm, you'd better get moving so we don't miss the flight. She was very good and calm and pleasure to travel with, but then there was a problem with the hotel, thought I had A, but B, switched, got a room, they agreed not to bill for the missed night, and walking to the room, she had a look of fear and anxiety, why do we have a room at the end of the hall, why do we always have this.

So trying to deal with the roller coaster, you can say the glass is 70% full, but periodically the other 30 is challenging.

Thanks for the trip update.

It must be frustrating for you not to know how her mood will be.

What diagnosis did the psychiatrist give her? Was there any mention of bi-polar or multiple personality disorders.... anything like that?

Safe travels!