Take a deep breath. The best way to heal and recover your inner balance is to write it out, work it out, and know you are helping yourself heal.

It's hard to find the better balance with the words, images, and thoughts that hinder your processing.

I'm so sorry to read this, chef.

Do you feel that you may not be able to form new memories to counter the effects of distressing events related to your past childhood? And I should say that unveiling this news is good for you. It could be that the "night terrors" are a form of psychotic depression or possibly hallucinations, which usually consist of clear images of people and maybe preceded by sleep disturbances. I'd seriously consider speaking with your doctor and he will most likely order lab work. You may be suffering from a number of health conditions too. There are certain medications on the market that will cause hallucinations to occur, and increasing age is also a factor to consider. However, reducing the intruding medications will often help with the nightmares.

At any length what happened to you and your parents is a tragic event. I am deeply sorry. Having night sleep trauma is a horrible experience. Are you awakening with screaming or thrashing, and these are non-Rem sleep events, to further inform you, that is, Most likely your bp and heart rate are increased? These are common side effects.

I know what it's like to encounter the reality of a secret past. I offer you great sympathy and a pat on the shoulders for comfort. Keep raising the blinds and open the shutters of your heart and mind because you have to give language to the awful things you saw and heard as a child. When you were a kid you lacked a language to give form to your experiences. Now, as an adult, there is help out there to put all this into words. Sometimes the knowledge that something may be symbolic to ill mental, emotional, and health issues, from real events, develops with maturity - seemingly inborn to expose itself too. You went through bad and confusing things that no child should ever have to deal with. Again, I am totally sorry.

I am so sorry, that sounds so hard and I cannot imagine the pain that you have carried throughout the years. We are here for you, try talking with someone and venting. It can help to talk to a therapist.

Acknowledging childhood trauma opens the door to healing. Working with a therapist could be really beneficial. From my personal experience, doing so helped me as an adult process a lot of my own childhood trauma, so I could reclaim some control and make peace with it all. Just something to think about if you find it’s affecting your life as an adult.

It really is possible to heal. Keep talking and writing about it. That can help start draining some of the power those experiences carry into our adulthood.

I can not ev remember any happier times only the bad no matter how hard I try it always comes back to bad. :(

I understand.

If you aren’t feeling like talking to someone professionally there is a lot written on healing from childhood trauma as an adult. It might help to search on the internet for books and articles. “Psychology Today” has several articles which might be helpful if you are seeking to understand how it affects us as adults, navigating those affects and working towards healing. Just a starting point.

But I think talking about and writing about is a very powerful step in the process.

I am so sorry that this happened and that you are feeling this way. Have you thought about going to a therapist or counselor? I know it probably sounds nerve racking, but maybe talking to a professional would help you ease your mind.

Just take a deep breath, look at the strengths you have wrote out your problem, so now your on the next step. Healing takes time,
I am thinking about you chef

Hi Littlechef,

What you are describing is trauma. It's real. It haunts. It comes up in dreams. It shows up as PTSD. It creates addictions or unhealthy coping mechanisms.

It can't be suppressed, hidden, drank away, or ignored. Trauma for me is untreated emotional violence.

You described to us in your post probably "the gentle version" of what you experienced. It probably was much worst, and even scarier than you care to remember.

It is a blessing you have met a supportive and caring wife. That's great support to have. For someone close to help validate you and help your trauma be acknowledge is a great comfort.

Therapy can be a safe place for you to open up more about it and have someone help you thru it. If you don't have the time, resources, or finances for it and are trying to do it on your own...there are lots of articles you can read and books on working thru trauma.

What your dad did, was project his illness, energy, all that he hated about himself onto his family. You did not deserve that. Your mother didn't either. He was a coward.

You as a child, that picture of your profile, all I see is a happy little boy full of life with a mischievous smile. Despite what happened to that little boy and what was taken from him, or done too him...he is still a part of you. That light, that spirit, that joy. That's still in you.

As a child you did not have the mental development to understand what was happening to you. So you internalize it, and took the blame. As an adult, we continue to carry it. You have to do some inner child work, healing the inner child.

You never deserved whatever happened to you. You may know pain and hurt. BUT YOU ARE NOT PAIN OR HURT. You are that soul, that inner light, all that is good in you is still there.

It's time to work thru your trauma, let it go and free the little boy from the past. You are always there for others, and would help anyone. That shows you have a compassionate heart.

You don't need to carry someone else's disorder, toxicity, shame, and abuse in the form of trauma.

I have a feeling you will make a big effort to work on this and you will get some peace you much deserve.

Sending you light and love!

Thank you everyone for your lovely comments and support.

I can remember the time when my dad told me to do the cleaning by the time he got from the pub if it was not done he would use his belt on me also he had a can above the kitchen door that I got down and I snapped it in half I was so scared I hid under the kitchen table at Christmas we had our presents but boxing day everyone was locked away in the cupboard in the small bedroom with a pad lock it's just like yesterday lots more happened but I want go into it now I'm probably borrowing by now so I will say good night and thank you for everything.

I'm sorry for what you had to go through and that you are now reliving it through your dreams/nightmares. It is horrible what you describe you had to go through. That puts a person in fight or flight mode as a small child. It definitely causes anxiety not knowing what will happen next. I agree with if you can find a good counselor to help work out childhood trauma but that can be challenging. You are writing it out which also can be very cathartic. Definitely know that none of what happened was or is your fault. Your father was projecting his own issues onto you. I think you are strong and wise to be facing these things.